Nothing Good Ever Came Easy

by Babe_Chilla on January 19, 2012 · 15 comments

Could we cut the bullshit for a minute? Or even better, could we cut it for a lifetime? I mean why do we have to keep covering these same topics over and over again when really, there is no right answer?

Face it, motherhood is hard. Scratch that, PARENTHOOD is hard. They’ve even made a whole SHOW about that, and the different dynamics that are present, even within one family. I think it’s time that we all just got down off our soapboxes, threw our reality into the ring and breathed a sigh of relief for finally coming clean about all these things. Some days you’ve got it under control, and other days you don’t. We all deal with it differently, but the bottom line remains the same.

You’re not a bad parent if some days you find yourself overwhelmed, frustrated or wondering why you even had kids in the first place. You’re not a bad parent if you have moments of impatience, or if some days you start the countdown to bedtime before you’ve even liberated your child from their sleeping quarters. And you most certainly are not a bad parent if you need to take time for yourself once in a while so that you don’t up and run away in the night. The only bad parents I know, are the ones who live a double life, pretending it’s all wonderful when sometimes, it just isn’t; those parents are damaging to both their children and their peers  (obviously, there are abusive and neglectful parents out there as well but, I’m not talking about that here).

Unfortunately, the internet age has given birth to a wide range of overly opinionated people with the world at their fingertips. You arm some chick with a computer and a thesaurus and she deems herself a parenting expert; then she spends time attacking other people for not sharing her views, all the while crying about being judged for her choices (because clearly hers are right so, who are you to judge?). Sadly there are a lot of those nutters out there, and they are kind of tainting the rest of us. The whole thing is pretty ridiculous but, to say I’m not a part of it would clearly be hypocritical because obviously, you’re reading this on my mommy blog.

The problem is, we’ve moved away from the quiet support of a few good friends to oversharing across the world. We’ve lost the common courtesy that goes with interacting with people on a personal level. We are caught in this space where we are able talk freely about the choices we make, but now our openness is met with judgment. No matter how small the choice, someone is always there petitioning against it. It’s a stupid waste of time (but maybe a good way to burn a few extra calories?).

In general, for most of us, we put ourselves out there so other people can relate, can offer support, and can give up kudos for being such magical parents. We put ourselves out there because we like to hear ourselves speak, and because let’s face it, we like attention. We put ourselves out there because we like the dialogue that comes with sharing, and most often the interactions we have are positive if not enlightening. Most of the time, you get the positive reinforcement you crave. Other times, you hear opposing perspectives delivered in mature, pragmatic ways that may even cause you to rethink a choice you’ve made. There is constructive feedback and helpful suggestions, and if nothing else, there is the reinforcement that people everywhere do things differently, and that it’s ok.

However, for every 10 good interactions we get, there is that 1 that sends us reeling.

I have these trigger issues myself. Certain types of comments are left on my blog or said about my bloggy friends or written in someone else’s post and I can’t help but get uptight about them. There are many days I sit here biting my tongue or rewriting my snarky comment retaliation into something a little more constructive (and thus better received). There are other days where I just can’t help but call people out for their bullshit, and sometimes I have to abandon a conversation because I realize I’m heading too far down the path of being one of those mean bloggers who no one respects. And that isn’t me. I don’t want to be that way. I have my opinions, and I am not afraid to voice them. I will use harsh language and get to the point, but I try not to get into a pissing match with anyone because, to be honest, I don’t think I’m any better than anyone else.

When it comes to certain things though, I just want to choke some people.

I cannot take these holier than thou mothers who scour the internet for any sign of parental frustration so they can come in and kick a person while they are down. So often I see people telling other people (or telling me) things about how kids are kids and we should love them unconditionally; that feelings of anger or frustration or just plain overwhelmed are wrong. They tell you that if you’re feeling anxious about something you probably need medication, or they ask you completely out of line questions about your choices to have a child, or have additional children, because you clearly cannot handle what comes with parenting.

And then I am infuriated.

Have you MET children? I mean I love my daughter more than anything ever. I can’t even describe how much I love her, but also, she is annoying. Of course I love her unconditionally. Of course I would do absolutely anything to protect her, to make her happy, to keep her safe. Of course overall I think she is a wonderful and amazing human being, and I KNOW how lucky I am to have her. All that stuff aside, she’s an almost 2 year old, highly spirited little person who can make me laugh and simultaneously cry in frustration. She’s a toddler, and toddlerhood is psychological warfare.

Any person that tells you that they haven’t had moments of thinking parenthood is hard is lying. They are either lying or they are not sharing their clearly wonderful drugs with the rest of us. It just isn’t possible for someone to find parenting wonderful and joyous 100% of the time. It just isn’t. It isn’t human nature.

Now, I know there are a lot of women out there who have dedicated their lives to being mothers. A lot of them do love every moment of it, and many times they don’t understand those of us in the other camp, those who are trying to balance motherhood and themselves. And I get it. I WISH I was one of those people who could look at my child throwing herself on the floor of the grocery store because I won’t let her drink bleach and think “oh the poor dear, she is so frustrated that she can’t even control her emotions”. I wish I was more that way, but I’m not. And I think that is ok.

If you’re one of those people, that’s great. The world needs people like you to keep it in check. We need those mothers to give us perspective once in a while. Those of you who can look at your 5 children at the end of 3 weeks of cleaning up vomit while you yourself are vomiting, smile and think “I am so lucky to have such a wonderful family” are special. You might also be crazy but it’s the good kind of crazy so who cares. I know you people are out there. I read your blog posts about how blessed you are, and how even on the hardest days you can’t think of anything better than being a mother. I see you comment to other mothers who are having a rough time to offer an encouraging “motherhood is messy but isn’t it AWESOME?” And sometimes, I can even SEE the sunshine pouring out of your ass.

My point is, there are wonder moms out there. These are the women all us regular mom’s compare ourselves too, and then generally eat a bucket of ice cream and cry about how we pale in comparison. You’re out there, and you’re wonderful, and honestly you may even being doing it right. You’re approach to motherhood is admirable, and I for one could take a lesson or two from it. Maybe you’re just better at dealing with difficulties then I am. Perhaps you are ok with a serious delay in gratification for all your hard work, or you’re able to foresee the rewards enough to not get suffocated by the challenge. Maybe you really are just one of those people who can extract joy from any situation. Whatever it is, keep it up. I can only assume motherhood is a little bit easier without the heavy cloak of guilt and stress I carry around.

Then there are the rest of us. The ones who are frantically looking for the corkscrew at 11 seconds passed the bedtime hours. Those of us who cry in frustration after a day filled with terrible 2 antics that culminate in a war on bath time and a refusal to sleep.  There are those of us who sit and wonder what happened to our lives on occasion, and carefully contemplate the fact that maybe just maybe, motherhood wasn’t meant for us. We make distasteful jokes about abandoning our kids, and run out the door before our husband can even finish saying the sentence “maybe you need some me time”. We are the mothers who sometimes face the hard choices that inevitably result in trying to maintain a sense of self when another person is so heavily relying on us. And I hate to say it but, I think we are the norm.

At the end of the day, no person is right or wrong in their parenting choices, as long as those choices are informed, made with a clear head and intended to improve family life for both parents and children. You might think that using disposable diapers is a completely ridiculous choice, but as long as you know it’s only ridiculous as a choice for you personally, then you’re still right.Parenting is so subjective, and my point is that any choice is the right choice as long as it’s not harming anyone and it’s working for you. So when I see mothers telling other mothers that what they chose was wrong or that they shouldn’t be feeling a certain way, I get 15 kinds of rage.

Do you remember how hard being a new mother is? How guilt ridden and impressionable you are? How you question ever step you take, every thought you have, every plan? I still go through this daily, but I’m both confident enough in my abilities and strong enough in my convictions to know that even if someone disagrees with me, it doesn’t mean they are better (and I welcome disagreement that is constructive, but not that is inflammatory or accusatory in nature). The problem is there are so many other mothers, new mothers, timid mothers, mothers who have suffered a life time of condescension that can’t handle these comments.

These mothers who like to say that parenting isn’t hard, who will tell you that you should have known what you were getting into or that maybe you shouldn’t have more kids are mean. These flippant, ignorant comments they dole out without a second though could have a lifetime of repercussions for someone who is struggling. As mothers, or women in general, we question ourselves regularly, and we don’t need anyone else’s help.

So I beg you internet mean girls hiding in super mom cloaks to shut the fuck up. You’re not a super mom if you’re mean to everyone but your own children. Try for once to support someone who is struggling with their day, to offer something constructive and helpful, or don’t say anything at all. Stop telling me that I should learn to relax or that I’m psychologically damaging my child by not rocking her 2 year old self to sleep every night. Stop pretending to be this awesome person who revels in every challenge of motherhood and never ever feels a moment of tension when your kids are running amok, because you are promoting an untrue vision of motherhood.

Maybe you don’t let it get to you, maybe you know exactly what you’re doing, or maybe your children are just spiritless and don’t challenge you. I don’t know what the reason is, and I don’t care. I applaud your ability to roll with the punches but please don’t crucify me for being unable to enjoy the same. You need to stop telling other people how wonderful you are, and start telling them how wonderful they are, because you are clearly already full of yourself, and the rest of us could use a confidence booster once and awhile.

Most of all please stop lying and telling people that motherhood isn’t hard. It is hard; it has to be because nothing this rewarding and wonderful could possibly be easy.

{ 15 comments }

My Open Letter to the Haters – For Jill at Baby Rabies.

by Babe_Chilla on January 12, 2012 · 35 comments

I don’t usually do this. I don’t usually write open letters on my blog, or even engage in any of the mommy war bullshit. I won’t judge you, and I won’t let you judge me. You can try, have your thoughts about who I am or how I parent, you can even talk about me behind my back, that is all fine. I really don’t care. The truth is, not one of you is even close to being as critical of me as I am of myself. So when people are judging me, for the most part, I just ignore. it. A good friend once told me that when people are trying to bring you down, it’s only means you are above them. And it’s true. So all the bullshit about AP parents versus other types, or working versus staying at home moms, or purple haired vs. never been died doesn’t apply to me. You do it your way, and I’ll do it mine. If we are lucky, we’ll both learn something new we can share with each other, and that is that.

However this time, you people (and by “you people” I mean you self righteous, judgmental, dramatic, alarmist mom bully types) have gone too far. You’ve publicly called out one of my favourite bloggers alive, and I can’t just let it go. It’s not that she cannot defend herself, because she can. The woman is all that and a slice of cake. It’s just that I’m angry, and the subject is one of the few things I am passionate about in motherhood. And that’s sleep training. (I shouldn’t say it’s the one thing I’m passionate about. More, it’s the one thing that will have my blood boiling faster than you can say “psychological damage”.).

You can read Jill from Baby Rabies post here, and if you’re so inclined and feel like being angered, you can look at the slaughter that’s happening over on her FB page here.

Here is the the thing, I started out with all the best intentions. Having both a best friend and sister who had employed sleep training methods, the idea didn’t sit well with me. I mean, they are babies, they will learn to sleep, you just need to give them time. And letting them cry is cruel, your babies should never want for anything, and keeping them content is your only job. There are easy ways to teach your kids to sleep, and I was going to prove to everyone that it could be done….it’s funny how much you know about parenting before you have kids.

If we move many months later, we are faced with me, on the verge of a nervous breakdown, completey batshit crazy. You can read about MY post on CIO here. And I’ll warn you, if you think what Jill said was bad or wrong? Then you already aren’t going to like me.

At the end of the day, I am pro sleep and pro sanity, and I am also pro knowing your limits. I think that is one of my biggest regrets from the early days with Everly, I didn’t know my limits. I didn’t know how to ask for help, or be honest about how I was feeling, and I certainly didn’t know how to make tough decisions about things like sleep, for the benefit of my family.

So it angers me, greatly, when I see misinformed women pushing their own beliefs and selfish agendas onto people, especially new mothers.

Now of course, Jill isn’t new to this game. She is 1 year into being the mother of 2 children. She can (and does) teach me a boatload of things about parenting. And here is my point, many other NEW mothers turn to Jill for support. Be it through her blog, her Facebook page, or her Twitter, Jill is all up in the interwebs, being an accidental authority on parenting (and by that I mean, I suspect she didn’t intend to take over the internet with her blog, but she has, and now she is she is bound to a certain level of discretion in what she says…unlike me, who can piss off whomever I choose). So when these crazy alarmist bully moms are spouting complete and utter bullshit all over Jill’s Facebook page? New mothers are seeing this, and that’s adding to the guilt they are already experiencing because they’ve given life and that seems to come with the package. People turn to Jill for her honesty, and if she lied or sugar coated the challenges of this, should would be a doing a much greater disservice to life than she is by teaching her daughter to sleep.

I read some comments about readers claiming to recall being left to cry for hours upon hours at 9 months old, and how they now suffer PTSD from that. What a fucking load of crap. First of all, if your parents let you cry FOR HOURS on end, then I suspect they were lacking in other area’s of their parenting as well, and perhaps the PTSD isn’t entirely related to that one time you had to cry so your mom could take a poop. Also, there is no fucking CHANCE you remember being 9 months old. It’s not possible, honestly, can you even remember yesterday? If anything, your therapist is using the awesome trick of helping you construct memories so you have a scapegoat for all the shitty things in your life. That is your problem, not Jill’s.

I read all the comments about how Jill chose to have a baby, and thus chose to care for that baby. I read that it was cruel to leave your child to cry so you could do something selfish like sleep or rest, and how part of being a parent is giving your all. And that is true, part of being a parent IS giving your all, but what do you do when there is nothing left to give?

Let’s pretend for a moment that Jill could heed all the wonderful assvice she is getting. How she should just learn to sleep when the baby is sleeping, and accept that parenting is hard and sometimes you have to make sacrifices. Sure, that makes sense, and if Jill was a SAHM with a rich husband, cleaning people and NO OTHER CHILDREN, that even MAY be viable (though, my child only napped when I was physically pushing her in the stroller or driving her around, so THEN WHAT ASSHOLES? Last time I checked, sleeping while driving was a no-no. I mean, I guess not as bad as your child shedding a tear because it would only be killing innocent ADULTS and not allowing a 1 year old to cry).  However, Jill isn’t a SAHM to a single child with no other responsibilities. She has a toddler, and active little boy who she is also caring for. Sleeping when the baby is sleeping means, theoretically neglecting the older child, so is that the way? Is it ok that her son, her first born, be neglected and ignored so she can catch some sleep? Are we not worrying about HIS psychological welfare? Apparently not. Let him run free in the house, JUST DON’T LET HIS SISTER CRY.

Or perhaps, she should ask for help and get someone to come over so she can take a nap. You know, so that she can spend 2 hours trying to sleep while consumed with guilt for not being able to handle it all, while simultaneously being so amped up on sleep deprivation induced anxiety that she’s physically shaking. I am CERTAIN that a 2 hour nap and someone to do the dishes once or twice would cue all that ails her AND teach her daughter to sleep. SIMPLE RIGHT?

Or, how about if you’re like me, and your child is a tension RELEASE crier, who actually needs a few moments to settle on her own before falling asleep? Pretend for a moment that this concept goes against everything you’re taught about babies, so you spend weeks upon weeks trying to soothe your child to sleep, all the while exacerbating the issue. You try co-sleeping but your child doesn’t want to sleep with you after she has self weaned at 13 months, and would rather play play play, or cry right next to you.  Then you read an article or two like this one on Ask Moxie, and learn that you’re attempt at parenting your child to sleep may actually be causing more harm than good. Then pretend you accept that as possible, and offer your child a chance to do what she needs, and you learn that 4 hours of parenting to sleep could be solved with 8 minutes of fussing? Now where is your pedestal girls?

Let’s not forget that having children means adding to you life, not giving it up. Yes, you’re responsible for them. Yes, any good mother will sacrifice whatever she needs to care for her children, and yes, Jill understood all of that long before she had her second child. All that said, what about her? Becoming a mother does not mean you suddenly become a robot who lacks basic  needs (though you wouldn’t know it by our lack of eating, sleeping, showering and peeing). And further, caring for your kids requires you to care for yourself. I don’t give a shit what kind of lies you’re spouting off to the internet, you’re not a fucking stepford wife, and everyone has a breaking point. Maybe you’re an amazing person who thrives on stress and anxiety, who never needs to sleep and who can take the psychological torture your darling children sometimes deliver. Maybe you are all that and a bag of chips, but even if that’s the case, YOU are the anomaly and not Jill, and you should never ever ever make any other mother feel inadequate for trying to take care of her needs. If you’re ignoring yourself, your children are going to suffer much larger consequences as they grow, especially when you start to put perfectionist pressure on them for everything.

It is that kind of bullshit that has every second mother I know diagnosed with some form of PPD.

Jill sought out to make a change in her life, the life she and her husband have built for their family. She didn’t put her child down and let her scream so she could get a pedicure, she isn’t watching Oprah while her children are locked in their rooms, and she isn’t sitting there content and happy with herself as her darling daughter tries to figure out her shit. She didn’t say she let her kid cry for hours, or even that that was ever an option. She simply detailed a plan for sleep that took everyone’s needs into consideration, because THAT is what a good mother does. She is a caring and compassionate woman, who is at her wits end and needs to do something before a real tragedy occurs. Jill did her due diligence here. I sent her an eBook I used on gentle sleep training, and at the point that someone like Jill, with a million followers and expert parenting resources at her finger tips reaches out to a small blogger like me, to collect (in her words) “any advice or ideas on how to get her daughter to sleep”, you know she’s giving it her all. She didn’t make this decision with a callous heart. She isn’t one of those women who are crying in their latte when their 5 week old isn’t sleeping all night, and she certainly didn’t make this choice just to piss you self righteous bitches off. She did what she needed to do for her family.

If you don’t like it? That’s your choice. You don’t have to read about it, you don’t have to agree with it, and if you want, you can even offer constructive feedback about why you made the choices you made for your family. In fact, Jill is one of the most receptive bloggers I know to that sort of thing. But flaming her? Threatening a CPS call? Being a complete and utter bitch? Trying to pile on guilt or pass your inadequacies onto her?  Is not acceptable. She put herself out there, and is honest and true to who she is. Even if you don’t respect the choices she and her husband made for her family, you should at least respect her as another mother and human being.

I for one am proud of Jill for making a choice, and trying to make healthy changes for her family. I am proud of her for putting it out there, even though she KNEW what kind of response it would get. That says a lot about her, about the type of person and parent she is. It says a lot about how hard this whole thing has been for her. It says a lot about how she is raising those kids. If you can’t be a decent human being, then go back to raising your children to be assholes just like you….because fuck it, at least they aren’t crying when the push people down right?

Being a bully is ugly, no matter how you try to cover it up.

{ 35 comments }

Clean Up After Your Damn Self….

December 23, 2011

A guest post about splitting the household chores, over at Dramatic Mama’s house!

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Maybe I’m Not Cut Out for This?

December 21, 2011

Last night, after a particularly long 2 weeks evening, as Everly cried about something (who knows what) for the 500th time, I lost it. I told my husband I could not do this anymore, and that if it were possible to give your 2 year old to the fire department – no questions asked, I’d [...]

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It’s a Very Uff Da Christmas

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**THIS GIVEAWAY IS NOW CLOSED. CONGRATULATIONS TO ERIN FOR WINNING A VERY UFF DA CHRISTMAS. AND THANK-YOU ALL FOR PARTICIPATING. YOU CAN STILL SHOP YOUR HEART OUT AT UFF DA!!**   Seriously, I. AM. SO. EXCITED! If I could choose just 1 thing to giveaway to all my lovelies over Christmas, it would be Uff [...]

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Working Moms Need Sex Too!

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Lost

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(This post comes with a disclaimer: I am not depressed and I am not looking for sympathy here, empathy maybe but not sympathy. I simple need to get some of this out of my head. Any support will be appreciated, but please know I am aware of all the good fortune I have, and appreciate [...]

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Working With Style November Week 1

November 7, 2011

I know I know, I am late. I am always late, and so is the plight of a working mother. That said, late is better than never, so here we have it, last week in the working with style world of mine. First, there is this little gem of a skirt. I love it to [...]

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Wordless Wednesday Halloween Style

November 2, 2011

Obviously, Everly was the Devil Baby.

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Working With Style

October 31, 2011

Finally getting this uploaded. Where does the time go? This weeks style post was supposed to showcase on of my most FAVOURITE pairs of shoes but, in retrospect I should have positioned them better because you’re not seeing them here at all. Oh well. I give you “I am slightly more dressed up than I [...]

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