In talking to my bestie/mother of 2 extraordinaire the other day about having more children, she said to me “we have our first child because we want them, but every subsequent child we have for the first one.” And while that may not be true for all of you, I know it’s true for her and many other mothers out there.
It’s not that you don’t WANT more children. It’s not that you lack the love to give them, or that you purposefully have a child you aren’t ready to care for just so that your first has a sibling. I don’t think it’s that at all. I think what it is is that, your choice can be tipped in favour of “another child” when you think of the bond your children will have. Or something, it sounded profound in my head.
Currently, I’m sitting perched up high on this very pointy fence, and honestly my ass is starting to hurt. On the one hand, I am completely happy with the 1 child I have. I love her to death, she is my whole world, my everything. She is everything I ever could have hoped for in a small human and as the days go by, she’s growing into someone so amazing I can hardly handle it. We are out of the “baby” stage where she needs me for everything, and are just embarking on our terrible 2′s (or at least expecting them to arrive shortly). She sleeps fairly well, she talks and communicates perfectly, she walks and somewhat dresses herself. Homegirl has even taken to showering as opposed to having baths. This whole parenting thing is getting, well not easier but certainly different. I no longer owe my body to her, I am no longer the worn out 24/7 mom of an infant. I am that mother who enjoys evenings with her husband and weekends away with her friends and even the odd babysitter so the hubs and I can go out together. We sort of have this thing working for us right now, and the idea of starting back over at square 1 is overwhelming and daunting. Not to mention the sheer cost of having 1 child, and the thought of doubling up on things like daycare (which we already pay $1250 a month for) is hard to willingly accept. And often time, I feel pulled. I lack free time, rest time, me time. I have mother guilt when I take off for an afternoon, and quite honestly I never found my brain again after pregnancy so who knows what happens if I try again. My body is back to as close to pre-pregnancy as it can get, and I’ve lent out pretty much all the maternity clothes I once had….the list goes on and on. I can convince myself of a million different reasons why we should be “one and done”, in fact I bet I could even write a book on it.
And then I keep thinking about it.
That baby stage, it doesn’t last forever, and this toddler stage is pretty awesome (and also terrifying, frustrating and hard on my liver but, you know). The daycare costs won’t always be that high and honestly we already have all the stuff (boys rock pink frilly dresses no?). Sure our ability to ever leave the house simultaneously will be all but eliminated if there are additional children, but we won’t be able to afford to go out together anyway so who cares? I’ll have to give up my body to another baby, but it’s a pretty good detox for those 9 months plus breastfeeding. Plus infants seem easy in a way compared to toddlers, and the idea of never having someone utter their first word or take their first step towards me is a little bit depressing.
And the number 1 overwhelming reason I’m even remotely considering doing this all again (hi hunny, are you ready to have another baby?) does in fact come back to the child I already have.
I have a sister. We’re tight and I cherish the bond we share. She allowed me to become an auntie, she is there when I need to rant about certain family members or remember others. She shares a past with me, a past no one else shares because kid life is different than adult life. We have jokes and an understanding about certain things that no one else can know. And as the years go by and time takes it’s toll, her and I are there to support each other through good and bad. I won’t ever be left alone trying to sort out how to care for someone who is ailing, and I won’t ever have to face a family function without some solidarity. I have someone to call in tears when I feel like I’m failing at motherhood, and she has someone to help her answer all those tough questions like what to put on her passport application. It is an important relationship and it just works.
It seems like a really strange reason to consider another child I suppose, so that the one you already have won’t be left alone, but for me it weighs heavily on my mind as a major factor.
A friends grandfather recently passed, which happens as we age. In a time of remembrance he headed off to celebrate his granddads life, and he did so with cousins and brothers. Everly has 4 cousins (though 2 live on the other side of the country so they aren’t here), and she won’t have any more. And the cousins she does have don’t belong to my fathers side of the family, where I am still an only child. This made me think about a time, many years down the road, when we have to celebrate someone’s life. Will she be there, alone? No sibling to comfort her, no one to help her make decisions, no one who shares her same memories? And what about when her father and I are gone? Will she be left alone, not an aunty or a sister to anyone, just a daughter to people passed?
Leave it to me to turn a post about having more babies into something morbid hey?
The reality is, I cannot deny how strongly I feel that she needs someone to be there for her and with her. I cannot deny how strongly I feel about sibling bonds and the (eventual) built in play mate.
I am not against only children. I don’t think only children are spoiled or get too much attention or act strange since they grew up without other children in the same house. In fact, as mentioned, I am technically an only child to my father, and while I may be spoiled rotten and fawned with attention, I don’t think I am any stranger for it. I’m also not thinking I should make a whole other person to put on this earth so that my daughter isn’t alone at a funeral home someday. It’s just all part of the process of trying to sort out if we should have another child (though I can tell you VERY DEFINITELY that we are Two and Through people at best, if not One and Done).
I really don’t know what to do to be honest. I know the fact that I’m even having this “conversation” up in my own head lends credence to the fact that obviously, I want to have another child some day, but that does not just make it so. I know that there is never enough time, money, patience, space etc etc etc for any children, so that I can’t let myself get bogged down in the details. What I don’t know is if I’ll be capable of mothering 2 people, if there will be any daycare available for them, if I’ll even have a job to go back to, where a new baby would sleep and if my daughter would feel replaced? Do my hubs and I even stand a chance of surviving if we have any less time to dedicate to each other? And don’t even get me started on the logistics of getting 2 small humans out of the house or to sleep or to eat or to anything…I’ve kind of just assumed once you no longer outnumber the children, you have to stop doing anything (I know, that isn’t true but I’m in my fear bubble ok?).
All these things weigh heavy on my mind. I am an over thinker and am always getting myself way too worked up over things, and no I can’t help it. What I can do though is pretend my brain and my heart parts are aligned enough to start begging virtual strangers to tell me why they made their choices so that hopefully I feel better about mine. So that’s what we’re going to do. I’ve got a list of guest posters set up to share with you why they are “One and Done” “Two and Through” “Three for Me” and “Four no More”…and maybe? I’ll find a “Five and Alive” person so we can see who is truly crazy 
I know of a “Seven is Heaven” mama as well but at some point, I need to cut this shit off 
So tell me, what kind of family are you? Or are you sitting with a pointy fence post rammed up your ass like I am?
