Are You There Internet? It’s Me, Chilla.February 7th, 2013
Oh hey cyber friends of all shapes and forms, are you all out there?
I’m sure that you are, it’s where you always sit and wait, right where I need you.
If you’ve noticed, I’ve been a little MIA as of late. Well, ok it’s been a total of 5 days but for someone who is usually as online as I am, that’s qualifies as an absence.
I had to step away. I had to take a break. I had to give myself a time out.
It’s not you, it’s me. If you want to know what’s going on, you can read my 1200+ word vomit over here. I’m happy to give you the password (via email, DM or FB message), as I’m not hiding it from everyone. I’m just not ready to show THAT level of emotional instability to the general populace, lest some men in white coats show up at my door to haul me away. I hear it’s a farce that they come with good drugs and bouncy castle type rooms anyway.
The bottom line is, my mind was doing ugly things. I am not processing my emotions in a productive and mature way right now. The things whirling around in my head needn’t be shared with anyone. Just ask The Thread, it’s a bit disconcerting. Horrible things that I even know aren’t true when I’m thinking or saying them, but things which just need to get out somehow.
So I put myself in time out, because internet friends I cherish and respect you and for the most part I don’t want to subject you to that (sorreh to those of you I NEED that get it…. ehm Thread ehm).
It’s unbecoming and frankly, it isn’t me. It’s just that emotions are so charged and when stress runs high it can be easier to lash out then to look inside. I don’t want to be perceived as someone who acts with anger and hate, who runs on pure impulse, who cannot simply manage life. I don’t want to look back at a hard day and know that even though I’ve personally moved past it, I’ve left scars on the world to remind everyone of just how tough that day was or how ill prepared I was to handle it. I don’t want anyone to lose sight of who I am because I clouded it with impetuous statements.
I don’t want one bad day to ruin a lifetime.
So I stepped away. No one was bothering me, no one was hurting me, no one drove me to this except myself.
For the most part internet people, you treat me kindly. You act as a rock. You share my life and give me the encouragement and love I need to keep on keeping on. And I thank-you for it. It’s because you do that for me that I shield you from this. I don’t want to lash out and say something unkind because I’m hurting, when I know you all just mean the best.
These last few days have helped me clear my head, and I’ve moved passed misplaced anger and animosity to a clearer space. So I’ll be back soon, assuming you’re still waiting for me.