Before You Say It…Don’t…February 10th, 2013
Here is the disclaimer here: if you’re easily offended, unable to see this rant for what it is, or feel like getting indignant over nothing, please don’t read on. This is tongue in cheek, but it’s also serious. If you’ve said these things to someone, know we know your heart is in the right place but we may still want to punch you in it. This is not meant to start a war, or make you feel bad. It’s not meant to paint you with the same brush I paint myself with. This is MY opinion on MY blog, and it’s all part of MY process.
So, now that we’ve got that out of the way….
Are you one of those people who:
- Has no children and/or no desire to (even yet)?
- Has gotten surprise pregnant and carried a healthy baby or more to term?
- Has gotten pregnant within say the first 1-4 months of trying on one or more occasions?
- Has never seen a stark white pregnancy test?
- Has never experienced the horribly unfair range of emotions that comes from trying (but failing) to create or build a family?
If you answered yes to one of more of the above, this might be for you.
As someone who has and continues to struggle with making humans, I have to say there is a lot of bitterness and resentment. Misplaced no doubt, but yet very very real. Is it fair that I feel badly when people say things to me, when I KNOW they are just trying to be helpful and encouraging? Hell no it’s not, but it’s also not fair that ice cream causes cellulite and yet, we accept it and move on. So, here are some of the things I hear all the time, and sometimes I wish people who have NO IDEA WHAT THIS IS LIKE would kindly just stop saying:
- “You’ll have the baby you were meant to have”: Yes, I know, that seems very sweet in a “don’t think of it as NOT getting pregnant, just think of it as your body waiting for the RIGHT baby to come along” way but in reality, that isn’t what I hear. No, my bitter resentful mind hears “you don’t deserve one yet, and if you NEVER get to have one, then that’s just proof you weren’t meant to”. I know I know, how can I twist it around like that? I don’t know, I just can.
- “You’ll have one when the time is right”: Ya, WHOSE time? It would seem, by virtue of the fact I am ACTIVELY trying to create a person, my husband and I have deemed the time right. And shouldn’t WE be the ones who get to dictate that? No? Well then who the shit is in charge around here because I have some words.
- “You have to stop thinking about it so much”: Oh, I do? How exactly do you suppose I do that? I’ve tried but, when you spend 2 weeks of every month waiting for the time to be right, peeing on things and taking your temperature, only to spend 2 more weeks obsessing over every burp you have, only to realize you’re AGAIN not pregnant and you get to start over, it’s a bit hard NOT to think about it. Here’s a game: I will give you 1 million dollars if you just do something properly at the right time but I won’t tell you what that thing is or when you can have it ok? You must sort it out on your own, but DON’T THINK ABOUT IT! Easy right?
- “Have more sex!”: Oh, really?!? IS THAT WHAT I’VE BEEN SCREWING UP THIS WHOLE TIME? Well shit dog, I’ve been laying in hay bails and staring at the night sky hoping for immaculate conception. If it’s good enough for Mary…….
- “Just get drunk”: Great, I know it’s worked for thousands of college girls and hell, even crackwhores get knocked up but you know, alcohol doesn’t help your fertility cause and as much as I love nothing more than to drown every sorrow in a
boxbottle of wine, it’s not really the answer. Plus, I couldn’t be drunk ALL THE TIME, trust me, I’ve tried and that shit is frowned upon.
- “Just be patient, it takes time”: No YOU be patient with my wounded heart and consuming guilt about my bodies failure. Sure yes, it’s not my fault blah blah blah but honestly, time is a privilege you don’t always have. Sure maybe in the beginning but months and months later, time is the enemy. There is a reason we chose now, and when now was months ago, it starts to get stressful.
- “You’ll get there, don’t worry”: You know what I AM worried and where exactly is it I’m going? This isn’t like, an attainable goal I can break into smaller tasks and systematically approach. No amount of lists or careful planning or step by step process is going to sort this out. I need dumb fucking luck or a medical miracle, that’s about it.
- “Have you tried XYZ? Worked for me!”: Yes, yes I have. If it’s a thing, I’ve tried it. And I’m sorry Miss Fertile Myrtle but you getting pregnant having sex standing in the kitchen while you were still breastfeeding is not indicative of anything other than your HYPER FERTILE STATE. It wasn’t some secret answer to an age old question, it was your luck, and it won’t be mine.
- “This happened to my sister/neighbour/coworker/friend and after X months they finally figured out the problem was Y and had a baby”: GREAT! More people who are MORE fertile than me! Look, I know, misery loves company and you’re just trying to commiserate. I know you’re trying to tell me about someone else’s struggle and success in hopes it shed some positivity my way but, it won’t. It only gives me ANOTHER disorder to Google and assume I have.
- “I can’t imagine having to try that hard!”: Yes, I know that, lucky you. Thanks for the reminder. How about just say “that sucks!” instead?
I could go on, and again I KNOW that a majority of these things are said from a loving and compassionate place but, it’s all too much. The internal dialogue, misplaced resentment, childish jealously and overall heartbreak of every 29-33 days is fairly consuming and my emotional filter is broken. I’m dumb, I do it to myself but knowing that hasn’t stopped it.
If you don’t know what to say, it’s ok, no one does. Here are some things that work better than the above:
- “Mother nature is a cunt”: thanks to Mannly Mama for those words. No truly. It’s true and really how I feel.
- “You can borrow my uterus”: While not practical, it’s the thought that counts bitches. And of course only Higgy would say such thoughtful things.
- “That must be so incredibly hard/frustrating/awful”: It is, and thank you for not belittling it.
- “Vent to me whenever you need, I know I don’t know how you feel but I can always listen”: thank-you. The truth is, I’m sure most of the above is simply that in too many words. Sometimes, I just need empathy and the ability to spew crazy without judgement.
Thanks for playing. If I’ve upset you there is a little red X in your top right corner, feel free to click it and never look back!