Could we cut the bullshit for a minute? Or even better, could we cut it for a lifetime? I mean why do we have to keep covering these same topics over and over again when really, there is no right answer?

Face it, motherhood is hard. Scratch that, PARENTHOOD is hard. They’ve even made a whole SHOW about that, and the different dynamics that are present, even within one family. I think it’s time that we all just got down off our soapboxes, threw our reality into the ring and breathed a sigh of relief for finally coming clean about all these things. Some days you’ve got it under control, and other days you don’t. We all deal with it differently, but the bottom line remains the same.

You’re not a bad parent if some days you find yourself overwhelmed, frustrated or wondering why you even had kids in the first place. You’re not a bad parent if you have moments of impatience, or if some days you start the countdown to bedtime before you’ve even liberated your child from their sleeping quarters. And you most certainly are not a bad parent if you need to take time for yourself once in a while so that you don’t up and run away in the night. The only bad parents I know, are the ones who live a double life, pretending it’s all wonderful when sometimes, it just isn’t; those parents are damaging to both their children and their peers  (obviously, there are abusive and neglectful parents out there as well but, I’m not talking about that here).

Unfortunately, the internet age has given birth to a wide range of overly opinionated people with the world at their fingertips. You arm some chick with a computer and a thesaurus and she deems herself a parenting expert; then she spends time attacking other people for not sharing her views, all the while crying about being judged for her choices (because clearly hers are right so, who are you to judge?). Sadly there are a lot of those nutters out there, and they are kind of tainting the rest of us. The whole thing is pretty ridiculous but, to say I’m not a part of it would clearly be hypocritical because obviously, you’re reading this on my mommy blog.

The problem is, we’ve moved away from the quiet support of a few good friends to oversharing across the world. We’ve lost the common courtesy that goes with interacting with people on a personal level. We are caught in this space where we are able talk freely about the choices we make, but now our openness is met with judgment. No matter how small the choice, someone is always there petitioning against it. It’s a stupid waste of time (but maybe a good way to burn a few extra calories?).

In general, for most of us, we put ourselves out there so other people can relate, can offer support, and can give up kudos for being such magical parents. We put ourselves out there because we like to hear ourselves speak, and because let’s face it, we like attention. We put ourselves out there because we like the dialogue that comes with sharing, and most often the interactions we have are positive if not enlightening. Most of the time, you get the positive reinforcement you crave. Other times, you hear opposing perspectives delivered in mature, pragmatic ways that may even cause you to rethink a choice you’ve made. There is constructive feedback and helpful suggestions, and if nothing else, there is the reinforcement that people everywhere do things differently, and that it’s ok.

However, for every 10 good interactions we get, there is that 1 that sends us reeling.

I have these trigger issues myself. Certain types of comments are left on my blog or said about my bloggy friends or written in someone else’s post and I can’t help but get uptight about them. There are many days I sit here biting my tongue or rewriting my snarky comment retaliation into something a little more constructive (and thus better received). There are other days where I just can’t help but call people out for their bullshit, and sometimes I have to abandon a conversation because I realize I’m heading too far down the path of being one of those mean bloggers who no one respects. And that isn’t me. I don’t want to be that way. I have my opinions, and I am not afraid to voice them. I will use harsh language and get to the point, but I try not to get into a pissing match with anyone because, to be honest, I don’t think I’m any better than anyone else.

When it comes to certain things though, I just want to choke some people.

I cannot take these holier than thou mothers who scour the internet for any sign of parental frustration so they can come in and kick a person while they are down. So often I see people telling other people (or telling me) things about how kids are kids and we should love them unconditionally; that feelings of anger or frustration or just plain overwhelmed are wrong. They tell you that if you’re feeling anxious about something you probably need medication, or they ask you completely out of line questions about your choices to have a child, or have additional children, because you clearly cannot handle what comes with parenting.

And then I am infuriated.

Have you MET children? I mean I love my daughter more than anything ever. I can’t even describe how much I love her, but also, she is annoying. Of course I love her unconditionally. Of course I would do absolutely anything to protect her, to make her happy, to keep her safe. Of course overall I think she is a wonderful and amazing human being, and I KNOW how lucky I am to have her. All that stuff aside, she’s an almost 2 year old, highly spirited little person who can make me laugh and simultaneously cry in frustration. She’s a toddler, and toddlerhood is psychological warfare.

Any person that tells you that they haven’t had moments of thinking parenthood is hard is lying. They are either lying or they are not sharing their clearly wonderful drugs with the rest of us. It just isn’t possible for someone to find parenting wonderful and joyous 100% of the time. It just isn’t. It isn’t human nature.

Now, I know there are a lot of women out there who have dedicated their lives to being mothers. A lot of them do love every moment of it, and many times they don’t understand those of us in the other camp, those who are trying to balance motherhood and themselves. And I get it. I WISH I was one of those people who could look at my child throwing herself on the floor of the grocery store because I won’t let her drink bleach and think “oh the poor dear, she is so frustrated that she can’t even control her emotions”. I wish I was more that way, but I’m not. And I think that is ok.

If you’re one of those people, that’s great. The world needs people like you to keep it in check. We need those mothers to give us perspective once in a while. Those of you who can look at your 5 children at the end of 3 weeks of cleaning up vomit while you yourself are vomiting, smile and think “I am so lucky to have such a wonderful family” are special. You might also be crazy but it’s the good kind of crazy so who cares. I know you people are out there. I read your blog posts about how blessed you are, and how even on the hardest days you can’t think of anything better than being a mother. I see you comment to other mothers who are having a rough time to offer an encouraging “motherhood is messy but isn’t it AWESOME?” And sometimes, I can even SEE the sunshine pouring out of your ass.

My point is, there are wonder moms out there. These are the women all us regular mom’s compare ourselves too, and then generally eat a bucket of ice cream and cry about how we pale in comparison. You’re out there, and you’re wonderful, and honestly you may even being doing it right. You’re approach to motherhood is admirable, and I for one could take a lesson or two from it. Maybe you’re just better at dealing with difficulties then I am. Perhaps you are ok with a serious delay in gratification for all your hard work, or you’re able to foresee the rewards enough to not get suffocated by the challenge. Maybe you really are just one of those people who can extract joy from any situation. Whatever it is, keep it up. I can only assume motherhood is a little bit easier without the heavy cloak of guilt and stress I carry around.

Then there are the rest of us. The ones who are frantically looking for the corkscrew at 11 seconds passed the bedtime hours. Those of us who cry in frustration after a day filled with terrible 2 antics that culminate in a war on bath time and a refusal to sleep.  There are those of us who sit and wonder what happened to our lives on occasion, and carefully contemplate the fact that maybe just maybe, motherhood wasn’t meant for us. We make distasteful jokes about abandoning our kids, and run out the door before our husband can even finish saying the sentence “maybe you need some me time”. We are the mothers who sometimes face the hard choices that inevitably result in trying to maintain a sense of self when another person is so heavily relying on us. And I hate to say it but, I think we are the norm.

At the end of the day, no person is right or wrong in their parenting choices, as long as those choices are informed, made with a clear head and intended to improve family life for both parents and children. You might think that using disposable diapers is a completely ridiculous choice, but as long as you know it’s only ridiculous as a choice for you personally, then you’re still right.Parenting is so subjective, and my point is that any choice is the right choice as long as it’s not harming anyone and it’s working for you. So when I see mothers telling other mothers that what they chose was wrong or that they shouldn’t be feeling a certain way, I get 15 kinds of rage.

Do you remember how hard being a new mother is? How guilt ridden and impressionable you are? How you question ever step you take, every thought you have, every plan? I still go through this daily, but I’m both confident enough in my abilities and strong enough in my convictions to know that even if someone disagrees with me, it doesn’t mean they are better (and I welcome disagreement that is constructive, but not that is inflammatory or accusatory in nature). The problem is there are so many other mothers, new mothers, timid mothers, mothers who have suffered a life time of condescension that can’t handle these comments.

These mothers who like to say that parenting isn’t hard, who will tell you that you should have known what you were getting into or that maybe you shouldn’t have more kids are mean. These flippant, ignorant comments they dole out without a second though could have a lifetime of repercussions for someone who is struggling. As mothers, or women in general, we question ourselves regularly, and we don’t need anyone else’s help.

So I beg you internet mean girls hiding in super mom cloaks to shut the fuck up. You’re not a super mom if you’re mean to everyone but your own children. Try for once to support someone who is struggling with their day, to offer something constructive and helpful, or don’t say anything at all. Stop telling me that I should learn to relax or that I’m psychologically damaging my child by not rocking her 2 year old self to sleep every night. Stop pretending to be this awesome person who revels in every challenge of motherhood and never ever feels a moment of tension when your kids are running amok, because you are promoting an untrue vision of motherhood.

Maybe you don’t let it get to you, maybe you know exactly what you’re doing, or maybe your children are just spiritless and don’t challenge you. I don’t know what the reason is, and I don’t care. I applaud your ability to roll with the punches but please don’t crucify me for being unable to enjoy the same. You need to stop telling other people how wonderful you are, and start telling them how wonderful they are, because you are clearly already full of yourself, and the rest of us could use a confidence booster once and awhile.

Most of all please stop lying and telling people that motherhood isn’t hard. It is hard; it has to be because nothing this rewarding and wonderful could possibly be easy.

I don’t usually do this. I don’t usually write open letters on my blog, or even engage in any of the mommy war bullshit. I won’t judge you, and I won’t let you judge me. You can try, have your thoughts about who I am or how I parent, you can even talk about me behind my back, that is all fine. I really don’t care. The truth is, not one of you is even close to being as critical of me as I am of myself. So when people are judging me, for the most part, I just ignore. it. A good friend once told me that when people are trying to bring you down, it’s only means you are above them. And it’s true. So all the bullshit about AP parents versus other types, or working versus staying at home moms, or purple haired vs. never been died doesn’t apply to me. You do it your way, and I’ll do it mine. If we are lucky, we’ll both learn something new we can share with each other, and that is that.

However this time, you people (and by “you people” I mean you self righteous, judgmental, dramatic, alarmist mom bully types) have gone too far. You’ve publicly called out one of my favourite bloggers alive, and I can’t just let it go. It’s not that she cannot defend herself, because she can. The woman is all that and a slice of cake. It’s just that I’m angry, and the subject is one of the few things I am passionate about in motherhood. And that’s sleep training. (I shouldn’t say it’s the one thing I’m passionate about. More, it’s the one thing that will have my blood boiling faster than you can say “psychological damage”.).

You can read Jill from Baby Rabies post here, and if you’re so inclined and feel like being angered, you can look at the slaughter that’s happening over on her FB page here.

Here is the the thing, I started out with all the best intentions. Having both a best friend and sister who had employed sleep training methods, the idea didn’t sit well with me. I mean, they are babies, they will learn to sleep, you just need to give them time. And letting them cry is cruel, your babies should never want for anything, and keeping them content is your only job. There are easy ways to teach your kids to sleep, and I was going to prove to everyone that it could be done….it’s funny how much you know about parenting before you have kids.

If we move many months later, we are faced with me, on the verge of a nervous breakdown, completey batshit crazy. You can read about MY post on CIO here. And I’ll warn you, if you think what Jill said was bad or wrong? Then you already aren’t going to like me.

At the end of the day, I am pro sleep and pro sanity, and I am also pro knowing your limits. I think that is one of my biggest regrets from the early days with Everly, I didn’t know my limits. I didn’t know how to ask for help, or be honest about how I was feeling, and I certainly didn’t know how to make tough decisions about things like sleep, for the benefit of my family.

So it angers me, greatly, when I see misinformed women pushing their own beliefs and selfish agendas onto people, especially new mothers.

Now of course, Jill isn’t new to this game. She is 1 year into being the mother of 2 children. She can (and does) teach me a boatload of things about parenting. And here is my point, many other NEW mothers turn to Jill for support. Be it through her blog, her Facebook page, or her Twitter, Jill is all up in the interwebs, being an accidental authority on parenting (and by that I mean, I suspect she didn’t intend to take over the internet with her blog, but she has, and now she is she is bound to a certain level of discretion in what she says…unlike me, who can piss off whomever I choose). So when these crazy alarmist bully moms are spouting complete and utter bullshit all over Jill’s Facebook page? New mothers are seeing this, and that’s adding to the guilt they are already experiencing because they’ve given life and that seems to come with the package. People turn to Jill for her honesty, and if she lied or sugar coated the challenges of this, should would be a doing a much greater disservice to life than she is by teaching her daughter to sleep.

I read some comments about readers claiming to recall being left to cry for hours upon hours at 9 months old, and how they now suffer PTSD from that. What a fucking load of crap. First of all, if your parents let you cry FOR HOURS on end, then I suspect they were lacking in other area’s of their parenting as well, and perhaps the PTSD isn’t entirely related to that one time you had to cry so your mom could take a poop. Also, there is no fucking CHANCE you remember being 9 months old. It’s not possible, honestly, can you even remember yesterday? If anything, your therapist is using the awesome trick of helping you construct memories so you have a scapegoat for all the shitty things in your life. That is your problem, not Jill’s.

I read all the comments about how Jill chose to have a baby, and thus chose to care for that baby. I read that it was cruel to leave your child to cry so you could do something selfish like sleep or rest, and how part of being a parent is giving your all. And that is true, part of being a parent IS giving your all, but what do you do when there is nothing left to give?

Let’s pretend for a moment that Jill could heed all the wonderful assvice she is getting. How she should just learn to sleep when the baby is sleeping, and accept that parenting is hard and sometimes you have to make sacrifices. Sure, that makes sense, and if Jill was a SAHM with a rich husband, cleaning people and NO OTHER CHILDREN, that even MAY be viable (though, my child only napped when I was physically pushing her in the stroller or driving her around, so THEN WHAT ASSHOLES? Last time I checked, sleeping while driving was a no-no. I mean, I guess not as bad as your child shedding a tear because it would only be killing innocent ADULTS and not allowing a 1 year old to cry).  However, Jill isn’t a SAHM to a single child with no other responsibilities. She has a toddler, and active little boy who she is also caring for. Sleeping when the baby is sleeping means, theoretically neglecting the older child, so is that the way? Is it ok that her son, her first born, be neglected and ignored so she can catch some sleep? Are we not worrying about HIS psychological welfare? Apparently not. Let him run free in the house, JUST DON’T LET HIS SISTER CRY.

Or perhaps, she should ask for help and get someone to come over so she can take a nap. You know, so that she can spend 2 hours trying to sleep while consumed with guilt for not being able to handle it all, while simultaneously being so amped up on sleep deprivation induced anxiety that she’s physically shaking. I am CERTAIN that a 2 hour nap and someone to do the dishes once or twice would cue all that ails her AND teach her daughter to sleep. SIMPLE RIGHT?

Or, how about if you’re like me, and your child is a tension RELEASE crier, who actually needs a few moments to settle on her own before falling asleep? Pretend for a moment that this concept goes against everything you’re taught about babies, so you spend weeks upon weeks trying to soothe your child to sleep, all the while exacerbating the issue. You try co-sleeping but your child doesn’t want to sleep with you after she has self weaned at 13 months, and would rather play play play, or cry right next to you.  Then you read an article or two like this one on Ask Moxie, and learn that you’re attempt at parenting your child to sleep may actually be causing more harm than good. Then pretend you accept that as possible, and offer your child a chance to do what she needs, and you learn that 4 hours of parenting to sleep could be solved with 8 minutes of fussing? Now where is your pedestal girls?

Let’s not forget that having children means adding to you life, not giving it up. Yes, you’re responsible for them. Yes, any good mother will sacrifice whatever she needs to care for her children, and yes, Jill understood all of that long before she had her second child. All that said, what about her? Becoming a mother does not mean you suddenly become a robot who lacks basic  needs (though you wouldn’t know it by our lack of eating, sleeping, showering and peeing). And further, caring for your kids requires you to care for yourself. I don’t give a shit what kind of lies you’re spouting off to the internet, you’re not a fucking stepford wife, and everyone has a breaking point. Maybe you’re an amazing person who thrives on stress and anxiety, who never needs to sleep and who can take the psychological torture your darling children sometimes deliver. Maybe you are all that and a bag of chips, but even if that’s the case, YOU are the anomaly and not Jill, and you should never ever ever make any other mother feel inadequate for trying to take care of her needs. If you’re ignoring yourself, your children are going to suffer much larger consequences as they grow, especially when you start to put perfectionist pressure on them for everything.

It is that kind of bullshit that has every second mother I know diagnosed with some form of PPD.

Jill sought out to make a change in her life, the life she and her husband have built for their family. She didn’t put her child down and let her scream so she could get a pedicure, she isn’t watching Oprah while her children are locked in their rooms, and she isn’t sitting there content and happy with herself as her darling daughter tries to figure out her shit. She didn’t say she let her kid cry for hours, or even that that was ever an option. She simply detailed a plan for sleep that took everyone’s needs into consideration, because THAT is what a good mother does. She is a caring and compassionate woman, who is at her wits end and needs to do something before a real tragedy occurs. Jill did her due diligence here. I sent her an eBook I used on gentle sleep training, and at the point that someone like Jill, with a million followers and expert parenting resources at her finger tips reaches out to a small blogger like me, to collect (in her words) “any advice or ideas on how to get her daughter to sleep”, you know she’s giving it her all. She didn’t make this decision with a callous heart. She isn’t one of those women who are crying in their latte when their 5 week old isn’t sleeping all night, and she certainly didn’t make this choice just to piss you self righteous bitches off. She did what she needed to do for her family.

If you don’t like it? That’s your choice. You don’t have to read about it, you don’t have to agree with it, and if you want, you can even offer constructive feedback about why you made the choices you made for your family. In fact, Jill is one of the most receptive bloggers I know to that sort of thing. But flaming her? Threatening a CPS call? Being a complete and utter bitch? Trying to pile on guilt or pass your inadequacies onto her?  Is not acceptable. She put herself out there, and is honest and true to who she is. Even if you don’t respect the choices she and her husband made for her family, you should at least respect her as another mother and human being.

I for one am proud of Jill for making a choice, and trying to make healthy changes for her family. I am proud of her for putting it out there, even though she KNEW what kind of response it would get. That says a lot about her, about the type of person and parent she is. It says a lot about how hard this whole thing has been for her. It says a lot about how she is raising those kids. If you can’t be a decent human being, then go back to raising your children to be assholes just like you….because fuck it, at least they aren’t crying when the push people down right?

Being a bully is ugly, no matter how you try to cover it up.

A guest post about splitting the household chores, over at Dramatic Mama’s house!

Last night, after a particularly long 2 weeks evening, as Everly cried about something (who knows what) for the 500th time, I lost it. I told my husband I could not do this anymore, and that if it were possible to give your 2 year old to the fire department – no questions asked, I’d be driving there right now.

It’s happened. She’s crossed the threshold from happy go-lucky, fairly easy to manage, good tempered and always distractable baby, to full blow toddler. Gone are the days of gently coaxing her to do what we need her to, with promises of fun things or with the shake of something shiny in another directions. No longer can we convince her that brushing her teeth is fun, or that she might just like that carrot if she tried it. No, all of that is behind us now, and I’m left with a stubborn, head strong little girl who thinks my goal in life is to torture her.

It’s become everything.

I know that in a few months years, I will look back on all of this with a fondness for the time. I know that I will think about how easy it was then compared to where we are now, and know I just couldn’t see it at the time. I know that in the grand scheme of things, Everly is not behaving in any way other than how an almost 2 year old should behave, and that I’m pretty lucky overall for how great she is.

I know all of this, but I can’t help but freak out about the now.

I spent the first part of last night TRYING to just let all the challenges roll off my back. After 9 days of sickness (her, me, hubs), I knew my rope was thin, so I psyched myself up for the night. I worked my way through the first cryfest of the evening by sitting in the same room with her, allowing her to cry about whatever it was. I tried the tactic of asking her what was wrong, but she only cried harder. I tried to tell her I wasn’t going to allow this behaviour, and that when she was finished acting out, I would be waiting and ready to play with her. I tried to just simply ignore her, but none of that worked. Eventually we had to go downstairs for dinner, so I had no choice but to calm her and move on. Everly 1: Mom 0.

Dinner started and of COURSE she had no interest in what was on the menu. She licked the margarine off a few slices of bread, dropped some morsels for the dog, spilled her drink on the table and then was finished. I had barely taken a bite, and she was finished at the table. She started to whine and cry. She never asked to be let down, and she worked herself up into a huge frenzy trying to get out of her chair. I told her we would let her down when dinner was finished. I told her she didn’t have to eat, but that she had to wait until daddy and I were done. I told her all this and it didn’t fucking matter at ALL, because she just cried and got more worked up and she doesn’t listen or pay attention to me (and as a note, I’m talking to her in toddlerese or whatever, I’m not trying to get her to understand adult communications here). She screamed and cried and carried on through an entire meal (rushed as it was because who can eat when dealing with that?). She cried for 20 mins afterwards. Maybe I am the mean one, leaving her strapped in her chair when we were all done dinner but I am at a loss. I don’t want her to think she can just scream her way in or out of things. I wanted her to simply ask to be let down, to understand that we have rules, to at least give me SOME indication that she’s capable of learning boundaries.

It didn’t work. After a long time of her crying alone at the table, I finally tried to talk to her again. Out of sheer exhaustion, she stop crying long enough for me to take that as a sign she was calm, and I let her down. I still think she won that one, because honestly, it’s not like she learned anything. Everly 2: Mom 0.

We moved upstairs to hang out until bath time. She had refused to take off her jacket the entire time we were home, which up until this moment I had given up on. I’m trying this whole choose your battles thing too (also not working). She loves to take baths, so I thought she would take her jacket off easily but even that took coaxing. At this point, I was so frustrated but really trying to keep my cool. I also don’t do well at that. I wish I was one of those rational, calm people but I’m not. Being a fiery, passionate individual is great if you’re dealing with deadlines or work, but is terrible when you’re dealing with children. I swear I have the worst personality for children.

Then came the thing that turns every night, be it wonderful or already frustrating, completely on it’s ass. That thing is tooth brushing. We had, for a long time, managed an excellent routine of letting her brush, and then us. She decided she hated that, so we bought a second toothbrush and for a long time, she allowed us to take turns. Everly turn, daddy turn, Everly turn, mommy turn and repeat. I don’t think we were winning any dental hygiene awards but, overall it seemed effective and it was better than no brushing. However now? Now she won’t let us have a turn. She rolls over, squirms away, clamps her mouth shut and performs a number of other stunts to avoid this. No amount of talking with her works. I’ve tried explaining why, I’ve tried offering rewards, I’ve tried a TON of the complete and utter bullshit you read in parenting books, but it doesn’t work. Generally, tooth brushing ends in an extremely frustrated mommy and daddy, and a crying toddler.

So now what? She’s not eating, or listening, or brushing her teeth. She isn’t using her manners or being nice to her parents. She’s acting like one of those kids I always see in stores and cringe about. All of the things we’ve done, all the loving, the teaching, the patience, all of it has backfired. I didn’t want to be the authoritarian parent who shoved their kid in time out every time they walked out of sync. I wanted to be the Harvey Karp parent whose kid was able to live a little, and then be “disciplined” with respect. I wanted to put in effort and get a reward, the reward of a well behaved child who gave me some indication she was capable of learning to listen, at least on some level. I also wanted my child to be willing to try new foods and enjoy colouring a picture but, I don’t get to have that either.

I’m just so confused. I never thought this would be easy. I don’t expect my child to act like a perfect angel, and listen diligently at 21 months old. I don’t think she will ever just sit through a meal and eat all her food without protest, and I am certainly not crazy enough to think she is going to be the first and only child on the planet that likes to brush her teeth. All that said, when nothing is going right, and I don’t feel like I’m making progress, I can’t help but question my competence as a mother.

Progress progress progress. We’re never making progress. Every time I feel that we do, something regresses or changes. I am always taking 2 giant leaps back for every small shuffle forward I can make. Progress. I just want to feel like I’m getting somewhere.

I mean I try. I read, I ask advice, I implement tactics. I make an attempt to love her through this time of rapid growth and learning, and I respect that she’s her own individual and that she’s still sorting all that out. I understand the logical impediments to her acting properly, and I’ve never once wanted that child who has had the spirit sucked out of them so hard, they can’t even function. I don’t expect too much out of her really, she’s just a child, but I expect more out of me. I expect to be able to make some sort of progress with her behaviour. I expect for the odd thing to even work, and give me a glimmer of hope for the future. I expect to act like an adult and stop letting a 21 month old child drive me to the point of sobbing text messages to my sister asking her why on EARTH she had a second child, because she must be fucking crazy and also she is welcome to have this one if she wants it.

Last night ended like all of these nights do. Everly cried a lot of tears, she took me from rage and frustration to sadness and guilt over how I handled the situation, and she didn’t even have to move to do it. She felt like we didn’t love her, because we didn’t allow her to watch her show before bed after the demonstration she gave, and I felt like the “punishment” was a waste of time, because she doesn’t understand what the hell is happening anyway. I don’t feel bad, because I gave her the choice of brushing her teeth and watching SpongeBob or not brushing and going straight to bed, and she chose not to brush. That said, she doesn’t understand that she made that choice, so the whole punishment thing seems entirely futile.

I feel like a jerk. I feel like I’m not doing this right for her, and she feels like I’m mean, and NONE of that is helping us get anywhere in life.

So I’m left here wondering why I ever thought I was cut out for this whole thing. I’m not, by nature, a patient person; though I did believe I’d be able to exercise patience with my child. I’m not good at accepting defeat or letting others win, I just never anticipate motherhood to feel like such a competition with my child and myself. I’m a smartish person, I have a job that requires creativity and talent; one that challenges me to do things in different, sometimes better ways. I succeed at that for the most part, but I just can’t seem to transfer any of that skill onto my parenting.

My next plan is to try the rewards systems with Everly, but honestly, nothing else we try works so I already know that’s not going to. I fear so much that she will become one of THOSE kids, the ones who are constantly out of control and disrespectful and mean, one of those kids that used to scare me before I was a mother. I am working so hard to raise this beautiful child with the care she deserves, and the attention she needs to become a good natured small human, but I’m starting to wonder if it’s too late at this point. And I’m starting to wonder if the problem is all me.

I really wanted to be a certain type of parent, but that type of parenting isn’t working. Being gentle, trying to converse with my child, trying to allow her the independence she needs to grow, while keeping her close and safe; all of that is great until she’s screaming because she wants to paint the table with yogurt instead of eating it and I can’t teach her why that’s not what we do. And if I can’t teach her the simple things, how am I going to deal with the really important ones?

I don’t know how people do this. I don’t know how you overcome these challenges and remain sane. I don’t know how you decide to do it again, because honestly, I don’t think I was cut out to do this in the first place.

Any advice is welcome. Any tricks, any tips, any thing you’ve tried – even if it’s just in the form of a giant bottle of vodka.

**THIS GIVEAWAY IS NOW CLOSED. CONGRATULATIONS TO ERIN FOR WINNING A VERY UFF DA CHRISTMAS. AND THANK-YOU ALL FOR PARTICIPATING. YOU CAN STILL SHOP YOUR HEART OUT AT UFF DA!!**

Seriously, I. AM. SO. EXCITED! If I could choose just 1 thing to giveaway to all my lovelies over Christmas, it would be Uff Da, and here we are, with an Uff Da giveaway! I love when wishes are granted!

I assume everyone already knows all about the amazingly talented Emily, her fabulous little cutie Poppy, and the handmade, over the top awesome hair accessories, hats and other fun stuff Emily creates over at Uff Da Designs, but in case you don’t I’ve linked to it there for you.

I’ve long been a fan of Uff Da. I counted this morning and I currently own 4 headbands and 7 clips, which puts me at a grand total of 11 Uff Da pieces….wait, I mean 12 because Emily also made Everly an amazing little custom owl hat for last winter. I’m working my way to a nice bakers dozen.

Uff Da was an integral part of pulling together Everly’s birthday party back in March. Emily made us matching hair pieces, which also matched the party theme. I die!

Teal and Red Hearts FTW!

Enough about me though, let’s talk about YOU, and what YOU want for Christmas. I bet it’s to win a $20 credit to the Uff Da Etsy shop, and benefit from Emily’s “Buy 2 Headbands, Get 1 Free” sale, going from now until Christmas (please note, in order to ensure Christmas delivery all orders MUST be in by December 8th)

You know what that means don’t you? It means you can get something lovingly handmade and truly unique for your sister, and something cute and darling for your niece and then BOOM! You can keep the free one to wear to that swank New Years Eve party you have coming up! Talk about HOLIDAY BLISS!!

(My holiday bliss would personally look a little something like this)

Have a Very Uff Da Christmas!

You could also use the credit towards an adorable, fleece lined bonnet, as seen here on the lovely Miss Poppy:

How darling is this?

You can buy something already listed on the site, you can customize the colours OR you can wait to use your credit until after Christmas, and work with Emily on something custom to you! The possibilities are endless!

So let’s recap the awesome here:

1 – Uff Da is AMAZING!
2 – You can get 2 gifts out of the way, and a little something for yourself
3 – Uff Da is AMAZING! (did I say that already?)

Here’s the real low down on the contest:

1 – To enter, simply visit the Uff Da Etsy shop and tell me in a comment which item you most want for yourself (as IF you can pick just one!)
2 – You will win a $20 Uff Da credit, which you can apply to ANY purchase you want, including the Buy 2, get 1 Free Headbands!
3 – You can enter as many times as you want between now, and 12:00pm PST Monday, December 5th
4 – The contest is open to everyone, but remember, if you want the pieces by Christmas you MUST place your order before December 8!

For additional entries, and only if you want you can also tweet the contest (but be sure to leave a comment if you do):
I entered to win a very Uff Da Christmas from @Babe_Chilla & @UffDaDesigns http://www.chillmamachill.com/?p=1486

And that’s all!

Fine Print:
Emily has sent me more than my share of goodies along side my orders over the time that I’ve known her. I was not compensated financially for this review, the opinions are all mine, and I would happily tell you more about the products if you have any questions. Contest ends Monday, December 5th. Winner will be chosen at random, and winner’s details will be shared directly with Emily of Uff Da Designs. Offer void where prohibited. No purchase necessary. All that jazz. 

Now go forth and have a Very Uff Da Christmas!

As you may or may not know, when I’m not rambling here about stuff and junk, I’m rambling over at Liberating Working Moms about other types of stuff and junk. I truly am multi-talented.

Today’s post is something that is really important to me, and to all of us – SEX. That’s right, that 3 letter word has more meaning to it than all the other words combined (ok I might be exaggerating, but just a little).

So come check us out, and check me out, and tell me how better to get my husband and I to find more horizontal (well, actually, I’m not that picky about the position and totally horizontal might be a bit boring but, you know what I mean) time:

Working Moms Need Sex Too!

(This post comes with a disclaimer: I am not depressed and I am not looking for sympathy here, empathy maybe but not sympathy. I simple need to get some of this out of my head. Any support will be appreciated, but please know I am aware of all the good fortune I have, and appreciate the life I lead. This isn’t a whine or a cry for help, I’m just trying to push all this negative energy out of my brain.)

I’m lost these days.

I don’t know what it is, or why I can’t shake it, or how come I’ve lost my way, but I am lost. I am lost because I feel alone. I am lost because I don’t like the person I am right now. I am lost because I am not where I am supposed to be.

Depending on how much of me you can tolerate, you may or may not know what has happened in my life throughout 2011. I try not to blog too much about all the things that have happened, because I want to blog about my life as a mother. Of all the things happening this year, the one place I feel good is in motherhood. While there are days or phases or experiences that I don’t love, or that I don’t feel like I do well at, overall Everly is the light of my life. She is the reason we make it through, the reason I bother to get up in the morning, the reason I haven’t gone off the deep end completely yet. Everly continues to grow and develop into this amazing person. Stubborn, head strong and opinionated just like her mother, she consumes me with joy and love. She is funny, she is silly and she is brilliant. The way she learns, the way life is fresh and exciting every day, and the way she has so much unconditional love is humbling. Even on the hardest days, when we just can’t get in sync and everything we’re doing is going wrong, I still want to wake her in the night because being apart from her for those 10-12 hours is too hard.

I don’t even reflect that love and joy enough around these blog parts, I know that. This is part of my problem, and part of what I don’t love about myself. I’m often told by people that they love my blog for it’s honesty and humour, and that is great. I pride myself on being honest, realistic and straight forward but, being this way doesn’t win any awards in the ultimate mother category, and it doesn’t get me an invitation to the “happy fun awesome mommy bloggers” club. Not that I ever expected one (or care to have one). I fear that I come off as cynical, angry or negative about being a parent, and that is not how I feel about that at all. There are however struggles, and that is something I have an easier time writing about; it’s actually kind of why I write. I need to get things out of my head and somewhere else, before they drown me.

I’m a sarcastic, somewhat snarky, totally bitchy person, this I know. I always have been, and always will be. That said, I used to also be a happy, fun loving person that laughed at things daily and made a point to treat people with kindness, and show my appreciation for the life I have made. I do believe you can be a snarky bitch while also being a happy person; the two are not mutually exclusive. I know I can have that dry sense of humour while also reveling in the joys of being a mother. I know you can have it all, but right now, I am failing at it. I’m failing at that and a lot of other things.

Anyone who has Tweeted with me knows the gist of my troubles. My dad and step-mother of 25 years got a divorce at the beginning of 2011 due to infidelity on her part, and things haven’t stopped falling apart around me since. I returned to work after my year off, only to realize I’m not sure what I’m doing here. Right before I went back to work, my husband lost his job. That was 9 months ago, and the prospects are still looking pretty grim. He continues to apply, have interviews and then not get hired. His industry is crumbling, and his already shaky self esteem has taken a hit. We are now trying to sell our house in order to afford to keep living, but no one is buying it. We worked our asses off; blood sweat tears and cash we don’t have went into getting that place picture perfect, only to have a bunch of people tell us the house we love so much just isn’t good enough for them. The whole things is depressing.

On top of all the major things like divorces and lost jobs, came all the usual things that happen in a year. Loved ones fell ill, good friends suffered hardships, we had a stolen car, a sick dog, and no less than 957 other seemingly small disasters occur. The things that break a person don’t have to be big, they just have to be hard and incessant like that. It’s actually worse when they are just a collection of small things, because then no one really understands why you’re having such a hard time managing them. No one understands how each thing chips away at you slowly, because no one else can see them all lined up in a row, staring at you, threatening you.

So I’m lost. I am struggling day in an day out to keep it all together; in fact I’m struggling just to breathe, and frankly I’m not doing very well at it all.

I am not being the model of a woman, of a mother, of a wife, of a friend that I want to be for Everly. I am not showing her how to grab life by the throat and kick it’s ass, and I’m not showing her enough about the simple joys. I used to be a great friend to many people, but I’m so busy in my own head, feeling jealous of things that are simple for others or being too wrapped up in my frustrations to be good to my friends. I’m sure they miss the fun me, and the me who was there for them. I am just so distracted and swallowed up in myself to be myself, if that makes sense. I spend too much time in my own head to be properly present to Everly and the others around me, and that just adds to my feeling lost.

The plain and simple fact is that I just can’t seem to find my way through all of this. I’m exhausted by the struggle. I’m angry at the way I’ve failed to handle the things in life that so many other people go through. I am just so overwhelmed with both the anger at myself and at the world that sometimes, I find it hard not to scream, cry and break things (and sometimes I do).

I’ve gone on this long, blaming 2011 for all the problems in my life, and waiting for it to be over. I spent the first half hating life, and assuming that an entire year cannot be so awful to 1 family. I waited for the arbitrary date of June 15, to mark a change and push the trajectory of our life towards the upward swing. And then it didn’t happen. Instead of things getting better, they just got worse. So now I sit and wait out the rest of the year, and hope that 2012 brings us something better. I hope that, but I also live in constant fear that it won’t. It’s not even fear so much as just knowing things aren’t going to change.

I’m not the person I used to be, and I’m not the person I want to be. I don’t like myself. I don’t like the way I handle the every day challenges. I don’t like the fact that my patience is worn so thin that I am having trouble handing even the simple problems these days. I don’t like that I experience so much of life in a state of frustration and that I’m missing out on the good things being overwhelmed by the bad. I don’t like that the cry bubble is constantly wedged in my throat, or that my face tells the tale of an unhappy girl.

I struggle to keep it all together. I am a mother, a wife, a woman, and it’s my job to keep everything running. I must bare the brunt of all the troubles in my life, so that others can live in a happier, more content state. I want to take it all on, push it deep down inside and never let it out. I don’t want to tell people how I’m feeling because I know that compared to a lot of the struggles other people go through, mine pale in comparison. We have a roof, we have food, we have love and health, and that’s more than a lot of people can say these days. Honestly, I have no right to complain.

I work extremely hard to try and make the ends meet, and though they continue to slip further and further away from each other and the knots get harder to tie, I’m trying. I feel like I’m trying to swim backwards up a waterfall made of molasses, but I’m goddamn trying. I’m trying to work and run a house and make my toddlers life amazing and make my husband love me and make him and I happy. And it hurts to fail so much when you’re trying so hard.

I’m lucky enough to have a husband who participates and contributes to the daily tasks of life as much as he does. He isn’t the type to call things “women’s work” or to sit back and let me do a brunt of the chores. That said, I’m still the mother and the wife and the woman, and classic gender roles still do rear their ugly heads. While I haven’t touched laundry since he stopped working, I am still responsible for getting a lot of things done daily, and I guarantee you he doesn’t know what diapers she uses or what size clothes she wears. Despite being the bread winner, there are a ton of tasks that are still mine and I sometimes start to wonder how I’m ever going to keep it all together. It’s overwhelming wearing so many different hats, and wearing them all so poorly.

Sometimes I don’t even keep it together. I break things, I burn dinner, I forget to buy milk or diapers, I yell at my husband, I cry at nothing. Things just slip and fall apart. And then I’m angry at myself and resentful of how my life has turned out and I start to get angry. Angry at the cards we’ve been dealt, angry at our inability to make lemonade out of lemons, angry at it all.

I used to actually buy into that bullshit that everything happens for a reason, but there is no reason for all of this. There is no reason for any of the things people struggle through. Some people are lucky, some people make better decisions and some people just get screwed over and over. I really think it’s mostly a numbers game.

So I’m lost. I’m lost because I’ve lost a part of what makes me me. I’ve lost my optimism, I’ve lost the ability to look forward to things. I’ve lost the simple joys. I’ve lost myself.

If anyone see’s me somewhere out there in the ether, please let me know. I kind of miss the person I used to be. The person I liked.

I know I know, I am late. I am always late, and so is the plight of a working mother. That said, late is better than never, so here we have it, last week in the working with style world of mine.

First, there is this little gem of a skirt. I love it to death, even if it DOES give me horrible muffin top. The good news is, now that I’ve transitioned it to winter, and put the leggings underneath? The muffin top is much less glaring, which is good because I just love this skirt! (And NO that is not my bra! It is just my bandeau top. Sheesh!)

And then, with fall/winter also comes my collection of beloved leggings/tights. Be ready to see a lot of legging shots over the next few months because WHO doesn’t love a good legging?

Finally, proof that picking clothes out when cold is equivalent to shopping when hungry – you make BAD decisions. I picked this out the night before, when I was FREEZING to death (we like to keep the bedroom cold which sucks until you are all cozied up in bed!). I was also wearing knee socks. Knee socks, long sleeves, big fuzzy sweater and Uggs = sweating in the office, even in the winter. Oh well, I looked cute enough:

Now, let me see what you wore! It’s your turn to link up with us over at Liberating Working Moms!

And be sure to tweet about it too!

I just linked up with @Babe_Chilla over on @LiberatingWM to show off my #WorkingWithStyle outfit. Come check it out! http://bit.ly/vVPwvH

Obviously, Everly was the Devil Baby.

Finally getting this uploaded. Where does the time go?

This weeks style post was supposed to showcase on of my most FAVOURITE pairs of shoes but, in retrospect I should have positioned them better because you’re not seeing them here at all. Oh well.

I give you “I am slightly more dressed up than I would be if I was staying home all day”. Though you WILL note that I have zebras all over my cardigan and if that doesn’t win me a prize for being awesome, nothing ever will.

Shirt: Plenty (about 4 years ago)

Cardigan: Local Designer (now with Zebras)

Jeans: Mavi, post-partum butt size increase style

Shoes: Aldo (about 6 years ago BUT LOVE)

That’s what i’ve got this week. What I’m learning with these style posts is, that I’m not as stylish on a regular basis as I once thought, hoped and dreamed. I wish I had the funding to change that. C’est la vie!

Let’s see you Working With Style – LINK UP!

I just linked up with @wa_tracy over on @LiberatingWM to show off my #WorkingWithStyle outfit. Come check it out! http://bit.ly/w1ayVV