First up in our Sex Love and Bonding series we are talking about ruts. We all get into ruts. Sex begets sex but ruts beget ruts. Just the laws of nature. We all have our issues for such ruts, so we thought we would share ours.

First up is Brandy talking about the rut when trying to conceive. A rut that involves sex…but has become robotic and lost all the sexy really. See how her and her husband’s journey to having a baby were set off track and then got (it) back on….

Trying for a baby is always a new journey in any relationship.  You probably spent some time trying to NOT get pregnant. It’s a exciting time as well as an unknown one.

It starts off fun. ALL THE SEX. ALL THE TIME. WHEEEEE! Wild abandon. But then sometimes it doesn’t happen right away and you start to let it take over your thoughts…and not in a good way. You’re left wondering how it can be so mechanical and chore like.  You are in a rut WITH sex involved. Who knew?

Well I am here to tell you, you aren’t alone. This was us. We decided to try for Landon pretty much around our 3rd anniversary. I threw out the birth control and we were ready for bangin’ with a purpose. We even went on a cruise to celebrate our new life we were starting. We got home with a new kindled relationship that usually comes with time away but this was even better. We were working on something together. What can I say? We are really good at teamwork.

Two weeks later, I peed on a stick and BOOM. Baby! First real try!!! That sure was easy. Unfortunately, 4 weeks later, we lost our little pumpkin and we were heart broken. It then took me almost 2 months to get a period to try again and all the while I read and read and read. Fortunately I learned more about my lady parts but that also lead to me micromanaging my said parts and “lady’s day.s” I charted, took temps, stuck my fingers THERE to check the situation…all of it. I am, after all, an engineer who must know how stuff works. If I couldn’t MAKE it happen, I could sure as hell do everything I could think of…or so I thought.

We became sex robots controlled by calendars and cervical mucus. It started to take its toll. We were growing apart at a time we needed to be growing together. I was crying because my “body wasn’t working” and how can that be sexy? Neither of us were really trying to woo the other. We were about the mechanics. We were all about the end result. It was troubling.  This is where I give my husband the credit. He talked to some people about it and learned it was completely normal. He came to me and said he wanted to work on it together. Take a break and get back to the fun. We were both young…we would make a baby again…no need to stress and make it worse.

So we started over. No more sex marathons. We went back to sack romping when we felt like it. I was still aware of my situation from a science perspective but it wasn’t something to beat myself up about. It’s true sex begets sex but you can also just get plain burnt on it too. We needed help…and maybe you do too…

Talk

Try to take some time to explore something new here. First off, you need to open up the lines of communication. Simply put: TALK ABOUT SEX. This may lead to a new position, sharing a fantasy or just plain feeling more comfortable with your partner. How often do you actually do this? I know I always have a heightened sense of sexy when we really connect about something…so why not be about the “task” at hand.  If you need a test run, talk to your girlfriends…you know the ones. Hell, shoot me an email…or Alicia…or Brandee. You should SEE some of our text messages (or maybe you shouldn’t). Try to remember that sex is a GOOD thing…talking about it isn’t going to diminish that. I find talking to friends, even if in a hilarious fashion, loosens me up (not that way, perv) and makes it easier for me to talk with mu husband.

Note: Refrain from words such as “ovulation”, “cervical mucus” or “peeing on sticks”.

Visual Stimulation

I’m not talking Debbie Does Dallas or a stripper (well if you want…knock yourself out) but even just a good action movie with a spicy sex scene can get you out of a funk. Put down the TTC book and really watch something together. I bet it will help you forget about cycle days and temperature spikes for just a little bit. 90% of this game is getting out of your own head…so let the idiot box brainwash you just like it does with Thomas for your kid. Some suggestions:

• Romantic Comedies
• Action movies with hot guys for you and scantily clad women for him
• HBO series…TRUST me
• Lovey Dovey movies*

*I have no idea how to categorize these movies because I don’t watch them…think The Notebook and such

Liquid Courage

OK this might not be your thing but let the pregnant (non-drinking) woman talk, alright? This might actually help with the first 2 above. If you are a little free of your cares, you might be more open to talking and possibly watching something new. Then that leads to TRYING something new. But in general, it helps with that mind thing. Focus on your partner. Remember how sexy it was when you were dating? Notice how he looks in those jeans. Let a little Merlot (or moonshine!) help you.  Also once you get pregnant, there is no more wine…and it blows. ::angry eyes:: Live it up!

Since we are all moms (and some dads) here, you may have run into this before making your precious snowflakes.  What got you out of the funk? What made sex fun for you again?

photo credits:
tired couple: http://www.parentsask.com
talking couple: www.essence.com
Kahl Drogo: www.hbo.com
wine: http://www.theheirtoblair.com

In talking to my bestie/mother of 2 extraordinaire the other day about having more children, she said to me “we have our first child because we want them, but every subsequent child we have for the first one.” And while that may not be true for all of you, I know it’s true for her and many other mothers out there.

It’s not that you don’t WANT more children. It’s not that you lack the love to give them, or that you purposefully have a child you aren’t ready to care for just so that your first has a sibling. I don’t think it’s that at all. I think what it is is that, your choice can be tipped in favour of “another child” when you think of the bond your children will have. Or something, it sounded profound in my head.

Currently, I’m sitting perched up high on this very pointy fence, and honestly my ass is starting to hurt. On the one hand, I am completely happy with the 1 child I have. I love her to death, she is my whole world, my everything. She is everything I ever could have hoped for in a small human and as the days go by, she’s growing into someone so amazing I can hardly handle it. We are out of the “baby” stage where she needs me for everything, and are just embarking on our terrible 2′s (or at least expecting them to arrive shortly). She sleeps fairly well, she talks and communicates perfectly,  she walks and somewhat dresses herself. Homegirl has even taken to showering as opposed to having baths. This whole parenting thing is getting, well not easier but certainly different. I no longer owe my body to her, I am no longer the worn out 24/7 mom of an infant. I am that mother who enjoys evenings with her husband and weekends away with her friends and even the odd babysitter so the hubs and I can go out together. We sort of have this thing working for us right now, and the idea of starting back over at square 1 is overwhelming and daunting. Not to mention the sheer cost of having 1 child, and the thought of doubling up on things like daycare (which we already pay $1250 a month for) is hard to willingly accept. And often time, I feel pulled. I lack free time, rest time, me time. I have mother guilt when I take off for an afternoon, and quite honestly I never found my brain again after pregnancy so who knows what happens if I try again. My body is back to as close to pre-pregnancy as it can get, and I’ve lent out pretty much all the maternity clothes I once had….the list goes on and on. I can convince myself of a million different reasons why we should be “one and done”, in fact I bet I could even write a book on it.

And then I keep thinking about it.

That baby stage, it doesn’t last forever, and this toddler stage is pretty awesome (and also terrifying, frustrating and hard on my liver but, you know). The daycare costs won’t always be that high and honestly we already have all the stuff (boys rock pink frilly dresses no?). Sure our ability to ever leave the house simultaneously will be all but eliminated if there are additional children, but we won’t be able to afford to go out together anyway so who cares? I’ll have to give up my body to another baby, but it’s a pretty good detox for those 9 months plus breastfeeding. Plus infants seem easy in a way compared to toddlers, and the idea of never having someone utter their first word or take their first step towards me is a little bit depressing.

And the number 1 overwhelming reason I’m even remotely considering doing this all again (hi hunny, are you ready to have another baby?) does in fact come back to the child I already have.

I have a sister. We’re tight and I cherish the bond we share. She allowed me to become an auntie, she is there when I need to rant about certain family members or remember others. She shares a past with me, a past no one else shares because kid life is different than adult life. We have jokes and an understanding about certain things that no one else can know. And as the years go by and time takes it’s toll, her and I are there to support each other through good and bad. I won’t ever be left alone trying to sort out how to care for someone who is ailing, and I won’t ever have to face a family function without some solidarity. I have someone to call in tears when I feel like I’m failing at motherhood, and she has someone to help her answer all those tough questions like what to put on her passport application. It is an important relationship and it just works.

It seems like a really strange reason to consider another child I suppose, so that the one you already have won’t be left alone, but for me it weighs heavily on my mind as a major factor.

A friends grandfather recently passed, which happens as we age. In a time of remembrance he headed off to celebrate his granddads life, and he did so with cousins and brothers. Everly has 4 cousins (though 2 live on the other side of the country so they aren’t here), and she won’t have any more. And the cousins she does have don’t belong to my fathers side of the family, where I am still an only child. This made me think about a time, many years down the road, when we have to celebrate someone’s life. Will she be there, alone? No sibling to comfort her, no one to help her make decisions, no one who shares her same memories? And what about when her father and I are gone? Will she be left alone, not an aunty or a sister to anyone, just a daughter to people passed?

Leave it to me to turn a post about having more babies into something morbid hey?

The reality is, I cannot deny how strongly I feel that she needs someone to be there for her and with her. I cannot deny how strongly I feel about sibling bonds and the (eventual) built in play mate.

I am not against only children. I don’t think only children are spoiled or get too much attention or act strange since they grew up without other children in the same house. In fact, as mentioned, I am technically an only child to my father, and while I may be spoiled rotten and fawned with attention, I don’t think I am any stranger for it. I’m also not thinking I should make a whole other person to put on this earth so that my daughter isn’t alone at a funeral home someday. It’s just all part of the process of trying to sort out if we should have another child (though I can tell you VERY DEFINITELY that we are Two and Through people at best, if not One and Done).

I really don’t know what to do to be honest. I know the fact that I’m even having this “conversation” up in my own head lends credence to the fact that obviously, I want to have another child some day, but that does not just make it so. I know that there is never enough time, money, patience, space etc etc etc for any children, so that I can’t let myself get bogged down in the details. What I don’t know is if I’ll be capable of mothering 2 people, if there will be any daycare available for them, if I’ll even have a job to go back to, where a new baby would sleep and if my daughter would feel replaced? Do my hubs and I even stand a chance of surviving if we have any less time to dedicate to each other? And don’t even get me started on the logistics of getting 2 small humans out of the house or to sleep or to eat or to anything…I’ve kind of just assumed once you no longer outnumber the children, you have to stop doing anything (I know, that isn’t true but I’m in my fear bubble ok?).

All these things weigh heavy on my mind. I am an over thinker and am always getting myself way too worked up over things, and no I can’t help it. What I can do though is pretend my brain and my heart parts are aligned enough to start begging virtual strangers to tell me why they made their choices so that hopefully I feel better about mine. So that’s what we’re going to do. I’ve got a list of guest posters set up to share with you why they are “One and Done” “Two and Through” “Three for Me” and “Four no More”…and maybe? I’ll find a “Five and Alive” person so we can see who is truly crazy I know of a “Seven is Heaven” mama as well but at some point, I need to cut this shit off

So tell me, what kind of family are you? Or are you sitting with a pointy fence post rammed up your ass like I am?

These 3 things, they are interrelated. At least they are for most women, and at this stage in our lives, probably for most people. At this point in my circle of friends, a majority of those having sex are doing it with someone they love and are committed to. The rest of them, well the rest of them are out having wickedly hot make-out sessions with whomever they choose and then boning the night away at their leisure but, they don’t really need any help in that department. No, the ones who  need help are the ones who are facing a rut, or who are simply facing the effect life, children and jobs have on their sex lives.

Spontaneity is a laughable word at this point. I can only really be spontaneous if I plan it which, does have the negative effect of making said plan no longer spontaneous at all. Busy, tired, stressed, touched out, self loathing, stretch marks, saggy tear drop boobies….I could go on and on, the point is, none of those things make anyone feel sexy or horny. Wrapped up in our own heads, we’re fighting an uphill battle here. To feel connected you need to bond, to feel bonded you need time together, to find time together you need to do just that FIND IT, and when you do, you need to be open and willing to put that time to good use (and no I don’t mean having a nap…..or at least I don’t JUST mean having a nap).

Why am I blathering on about this? Well because my sexpot southern friend Brandy and my fiery red headed hottie friend Alicia, along with myself, are embarking on a series over on Liberating Working Moms about just this: when did sex become a challange, how did we get here and how do we get back?

Let’s preview shall we?

We are here to tell you that you can have the relationship that YOU want, and that if you put some effort into enjoying yourselves together, a lot of the other things will just seemingly fall into place. This is an honest account of what each of us have been through, and how we perceive sex and romance to impact OUR personal lives. We only hope that you can relate to one of us, and that when all is said and done your life is somewhat better…and of course full of more orgasms (WHAT? Tracy said I could say that!)…..you know you wanna keep reading…

SO, read along, comment, share your stories, or participate silently in the back….whichever you choose, just choose to take back some control (and I mean that both figuratively, meaning you can work on this, and literally meaning you can tie him to the bed posts). We hope you enjoy!

Do you ever get the sense that our children are more aware than we think? That they are actually born with an innate ability to know just how far they can push you before you’ll snap, and learn to back off RIGHT before the breakage occurs? That cycle of torment, the bad day into bad night into challenging day into long night dance which has you thrown to your knees, begging for mercy, only to end with a glorious streak of adorable toddlerisms? The way they just test you and test you until you “fail” (I use quotes because frankly, from what I can tell, we are the only ones who ever think we’ve failed) and lash out at them, saying things you don’t mean that you soon regret, and then crawl into your lap like nothing ever happened.

Maybe your kid doesn’t do this but mine sure does. She is smart and devious and full of ideas which don’t correspond with mine. For instance, I like the idea of her having teeth past the age of 5, and she likes the idea of acting as though the toothbrush was designed to rob her of her soul. I think it might be a good idea to try eating something new once in awhile, whereas she likes the idea of making noodles the worlds only food group. I like the idea of resting, while she likes the idea of maybe moving constantly every minute of every day for the rest of her life.

These may just seem like differences of opinion but, where toddlerhood is concerned they are also reasons to freak your freak.

My darling has been 2 for exactly 46 days, and in that time I’ve seen a lot of things. Good things, awesome things, and frightening things. I’ve witnessed the shift from agreeable baby to defiant toddler, and all the baggage that comes with it. I’ve learned that coaxing and distraction no longer work to quell a mounting tantrum and that mommy  needs some new tricks in her bag to avoid public humiliation. I’ve learned that I can be angry with a child at the same time as loving her so hard my heart wants to burst. And most importantly I’ve learned that my baby is no longer my baby, she is a toddler and the toddler is her own person.

There is so much about this time that I love than I fear. The ability she has to communicate with us now. How she tells us what is upsetting her, narrates everything we do, and asks for the things she wants. I love that she is starting to understand the value in choice and consequence, and that when all else fails I can bribe her with a Smartie (which for those of you in the US, is a candy coated little piece of chocolate heaven). I love the non-stop stream of completely hilarious things that come out of her mouth, and the fact that she has decided that from now on, she is going to shower because who wants a bath? I love that when I am sad she asks “what’s wrong mommy?” and follows it with a hug and kiss delivered with conviction, like it’s her only purpose in life. I love that she believes all the worlds problems can be solved by a snuggle and a band-aid, and that she hasn’t figured out what exactly “5 more minutes” means anyway. I could go on all day about the things I love. I spend so much time looking at her in complete awe, and wanting to make 10 more just like her, the her of that moment. I get lost in la-la land, the one where my darling is just darling all the time.

Then of course, there is the flip side. It would be wrong to tell you I don’t know how good life is with her. She is, for the most part, an agreeable happy little person. She appreciates a good joke and with enough counting and negotiation I can get her to do almost anything. She throws the odd public wobbly, but thankfully saves her most dramatic acts for the comforts of our home. When she decides to truly go for it, a fit can last well over 20 mins, but they always end in cuddles and a theoretical understanding of why she didn’t get what it was she wanted. Overall, I suspect she’s an easy kid but that doesn’t make parenting a toddler any more simple.

We have our moments and the moments are not often fleeting. Everly seems to get into a funk, and then act out for several days on end. To my earlier point, it’s the cycle of torment. She will start each day with a tantrum over getting dressed and it will continue through the entire morning routine. Finally arriving at school, she acts like all is grand, only to pick up where she left off when we’re heading home. Fighting us on everything, and completely incapable of even pretending to listen. No bath, no teeth, no dinner, no jammies, I want TV, no bed, crying and jumping in her room until she passes out, the fighting won’t stop. I feel like a nag, like that mother who is too busy yelling to love, like someone I never wanted to be. These times lead me to a dark place in my mind, where I feel like I am simultaneously failing her while suffering the fate of a spirited child. It is my fault, I did something wrong, but it’s not my fault she’s just being a kid. Round and round the crazy talk goes until I break down and admit I cannot do it.

And then the hubs has to talk me off the ledge. And my friends and sister get text messages like “WHY ON EARTH DID YOU HAVE 2?!?” and “WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING”? And the wine store closes it’s doors and hides from fear that I may just set up shop there and refuse to leave. This goes on for a few days, right up until the point that the 5th grey hair has sprouted and I am contemplating professional help for all of us. And then? Well then, she pulls out all sorts of awesome like this:

And everything is right in the world again.

I don’t know about all of you, but parenting a toddler sure makes me dizzy…and thirsty….and thankful…but mostly thirsty.

(the amount of times this has turned into Sex, Love & Bondage are innumerable but, I assure you that’s not what this is about…well at least not totally but, It can be if you’re into that sort of thing!)

Not too long ago I wrote a post. A post which was personal without getting TOO personal. A post I wasn’t sure would go over well. One I wasn’t even sure Tracy would want to post on LWM, but I wrote it anyway. It was this post, on how Working Moms Need Sex Too!

And then it happened. All of you overworked, undersexed moms came out of the woodwork. Comment after comment, Twitter DMs, emails, they came pouring in. Everyone exclaiming the same thing.

“That is so me!”

“My husband and I are going through this!”

“I showed this to my partner because we need HELP!”

“I feel like you took the words right out of my mouth!”

And so on and so forth. It turns out, the hubs and I are not the only ones guilty of letting life take over and putting our relationship on the back burner in light of other more pressing issues one in awhile.

I chatted with friends about this for awhile, and I formulated a plan. If everyone is having the same problems, and we’re all looking for ways to solve it, then shouldn’t we work together? And no, I don’t mean that in some sort of “let’s start a commune and become swingers” way. I mean that in the “if I can fix me I can fix you along with me” way.

Of course, I knew I couldn’t do it all on my own. First of all, my situation is MY situation, and not everyone can resonate with it. Secondly? We are talking about love, sex and romance here and I am far from the authority on any of those things. And lastly? While I am fundamentally without shame, the personal nature of this subject puts me in the position of having to tread lighting, because some things really are personal, despite how I may appear online. So I recruited my fellow sexified interweb friends  Brandy and Alicia to help me out. After copious amounts of text messaging (thanks iMessage!) and gChats, and no less than 26 outbursts of hysterical laughter, we settled on a plan of attack. We would each blog about our experiences, continually over the next month or so, with the hope it helps others, including ourselves. We will also be recruiting some guest posters, who are willing to spill the dirt about what goes on behind closed doors…or at least how they manage to get there.

This is a series we’re embarking on here. We hope to share our ups, our downs (not like that pervs!), our highs and lows, our advice and commiserations, and our successes. We expect nothing out of this, other than to help the rest of you get the conversation (figuratively or literally) going in your bedroom. Sex can be hard to talk about, and for women especially, it can be hard (pun not intended!) to get busy when you’re feeling disconnected from your partner and overwhelmed by all the hats you wear. It can so easily be pushed to the side. The “not now” “I am tired” “what about the dishes” narrative constantly running in your head. None of that gets me in the mood, and I suspect it doesn’t get you in the mood either.

We are here to tell you that you can have the relationship that YOU want, and that if you put some effort into enjoying yourselves together, a lot of the other things will just seemingly fall into place. This is an honest account of what each of us have been through, and how we perceive sex and romance to impact OUR personal lives. We only hope that you can relate to one of us, and that when all is said and done your life is somewhat better…and of course full of more orgasms.

To kick us off, I start by introducing your resident Working Mom Sexologists…..but again, we’re not professionals (like really at all), so take this at face value:

Preggo Diva Brandy:

Hi! I’m Brandy (with a Y). Currently 29, working full time as a software developer and mom to a 2.5 year old and a fetus due in July. But more importantly, I am a wife to a smokin hot piece of man meat, K, for going on 7 years. We met in college nerding out which in turn lead to making out…and then here we are. Even with a toddler and a big belly, I can be found salivating over him in his skinny jeans and t-shirts.

I wanted to be a part of this series because I understand the value of intimacy in a relationship and I also think I bring a different perspective about it. I am not one to be “romanced” in the general sense. I don’t care about flowers and romantic movies. I don’t need a production to be “in the mood.” I like the simple things: Laughing until I snort. Trying new ice cream places. Shopping together. This makes me the most excited on a date night. When we are both having a great time, I am in my element. But that being said, the stars don’t always align. We get sick, busy and just plain tired. We let sex fall by the waste side and before we know it, we are in a rut and pissy with each other. It takes some balancing and I am excited to work at getting better as well as share my story for the greater mommy good…even pregnant.

 

Hot Mama x3 Alicia:

Alicia: not-yet-30yrs old, married ::gulp:: seven years to one smokin hot uber-patriot, mother to three (!!)…and no more. No seriously, snipped and closed that baby factory almost two years ago. Ryan and I are in the unique position of having survived a year of our marriage that was filled with self-esteem and emotional issues and have made this seventh year itch a laughable anecdote. We have every built-in excuse to pocket the intimacy in our marriage in favour of a thousand other pressing issues of just life in general. At almost a decade of being together, it wouldn’t shock anyone.

But instead? Oh instead we’ve made the spark in our marriage burn hotter. HOTTER, PEOPLE. With the threat of more babies gone, we found our way back to playfulness and a more sophisticated version of our dating selves. We want our daughters to be hopelessly in love with their husbands…the way they’ll always see me with their dad. I want to bring the perspective of “the preoccupied married-for-awhile-why-are-these-kids-sleeping-in-my-bed-let’s-go-the-couch-hey-hey-hey”. I’m just as excited to find some new ideas to bring to those inevitable lulls that happen when you just let it slip. Not that kind of slip…yet;)

 

Uno Babe Brandee:

I’m the one with 2 E’s. The other Canadian (like Alicia EH!), and apparently the old fart. 32, married for almost 4 years, and the mother of a spirited 2 year old. My husband and I have been together around 7 year, but have known each other for closer to 14. We have one of those weird love stories where, I knew him when I was WAY young and he proceeded to pine over me (unbeknownst to me) for several years before the stars aligned and we actually got together. Magic right?

Nothing is without challenge. In the span of 2 years, we bought a house, made and baked a baby, I enjoyed an entire year off work, and then hubs lost his job for almost the entire following year. Financially it was difficult, but emotionally it was borderline suffocating. There were countless reasons to fall apart; self-esteem takes a hit, stress runs high, finances, children, decisions etc etc etc… it is enough to make you want to just give up. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that that was hard. In the end, the sale of our house and his recent employment at a kickass company have us back to a place we can focus on us. Us. Us now means 3 people, and that creates its own challenge.

I feel like we’re in a unique situation, where we’re trying to learn again how to be the partner the other needs, and now in this new life. With so much time focusing on how to survive, we lost sight of the need to connect. There is a difference between emotional support and feeling together, and when you take the intimacy out of the relationship it can have dire consequences. Resentment, hurt feelings, and the sense you may just be living with a glorified roommate takes a toll on both your head and your heart. So we’re working on it, together, and things are going great…but I’m going to focus on making them awesome!

So there you have it. That is the Who, the What, the Why…..and now was just have to sort out the How? We hope you’ll stay along for the ride. If you’d like, this is our handy dandy little badge.

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The fear I have about Everly’s bedtime, it runs deep. I don’t know what it is. I know we spent a good 6-8 months of  her early days, daddy rocking her to sleep for well over 1.5 hours only to have her wake up crying again in 45 mins and need me. I know that I damn near almost lost my mind entirely when she wasn’t sleeping for any night stretches, and she wasn’t napping until I was driving or strolling her. I know that even when my husband took over and tried to give me a break, the anxiety I had was so amped up, I couldn’t even rest. I know all of that, but that was well over a year and a half ago and yet, I still stress about bedtime every night.

Often she is good. She goes long stretches of going to sleep nicely, without much struggle, and sleeps through the night and well into the morning. We are blessed with the only toddler I know that will sleep until 8:30-9am on a weekend. Overall we are lucky. Then there are nights, or stretches of nights where she fights bedtime. She jumps in her crib, she stalls, she cries out for daddy. A few of these in a row and I am mentally back to the days where she wouldn’t sleep, and I’m panicking. A ball of nerves, pessimistic and frustrated, I revert. My husband reminds me that she’s been good for weeks, but I can’t get out of my head. It’s silly.

A major byproduct of all this anxiety is that I am excessively afraid to move her to a big girl bed. For now, when she flat out refuses to go to bed, she stays in her crib. Honestly, I don’t care how fast she goes to sleep, she just needs to stay in bed. And I know that once we have a big girl bed, that tactic no longer works. When I think about making the switch, I can’t even fathom how anyone will ever sleep again. I picture all night negotiations where we keep putting her back and she keeps getting up. I picture her destroying her room or hurting herself trying to climb out the window. I picture hell.

It hasn’t mattered much though, since I’ve been ok with the idea she will stay in her crib until she’s old enough to convert it to a toddler bed herself. I figured we’d just have that kid who is well passed the age all her friends got big people beds, but she would never know. I figured I could hold out forever.

I figured wrong.

It’s becoming inconvenient to have her in her crib.  Not only does it stop daddy’s ability to read to her in bed, it is starting to really mess up plans. My friend invited her for a sleepover with her toddler, but how would that work when her toddler has a big girl bed? We want to go out of town but we need to find a crib to rent when we do. At my moms house, there is a crib and a queen sized bed in the same room but my nephew is only 6 months old so if all the kids are there, he needs the crib, which means Everly cannot stay there with her cousins.

This weekend, we are heading off to my father’s beach house, and we don’t know what to do. Up until this point, we’ve used a playpen but my kid is over 30lbs and really into jumping and climbing and a number of other things that puts the fear in me. What is way worse than just an annoying toddler who won’t sleep is one whose tipped over her playpen and hurt herself. What’s more, even if she does sleep in there, she is ridiculously too big for it. It just doesn’t look comfortable. I’d feel like a jerk.

So we’re at a cross roads. The hubs thinks we should take the mattress off the twin bed that is in her room at the beach house, put it on the floor and give it a go. We’d have to safety up the room first, and be hyper vigilant about getting to her when she woke up obviously, but it might be the only option.

Only HOW WILL SHE EVER GO TO SLEEP?

Am I way over thinking this? Do you have any tips for me? Thoughts on this plan? HELP!

Now, don’t fall off your chair or have a heart attack or anything else major. It’s true, your eyes do not deceive you, I am in fact, actually blogging something on my own actual blog. It’s crazy, I know. I suspect at this point, I’m talking to myself, because I’m not sure who would stick around here when I can barely manage a post a month but, if you ARE here, I thank-you immensely for your patience. You patience or your disorganization, which has left you unable to delete this blog from your reader or however else you follow, whichever. The point is, I thank you.

If you wonder what the hell happened to me, I wish I could tell you. Life happened to me, it just did. The latter part of last year was rough. There was looming spousal unemployment, mounting debt, face melting stress, holidays, toddler illnesses (nothing major, just the joy of being a kid), there was a busy job, a house for sale, a bout of poor me-ism. There was the discovery of a blog with a page dedicated to me, and how shitty I am. There were tears and rage and thoughts about how unfair things can sometimes be. There was a lot of fun to be had with my friend and family. There was business and sadness and happiness and goodness and all of the normal things that one goes through in life. Nothing catastrophic, nothing so overwhelming I couldn’t deal with it, just life. I can honestly never figure out how the rest of you manage to blog weekly, let alone daily, when I can’t manage to do it even monthly. I am going to go ahead and assume it has more to do with my inability to write a post of less than 2000 words, and less to do with you all just being more kick-ass than I am.

In any event, I am going to make a more conscious effort to blog around these parts. I built something here and to be honest, it pains me to see it starting to fall apart. I do enjoy blogging, the community aspect, the ability to get out of my own head sometimes, the whole thing. I just get caught up in work and life and then I feel pressure to be amazing and then I can’t do it so I just give up. You must post like this, you have to have pictures, you need to link out, you should be looking for ads….it is dizzying and a bit ridiculous. I’ve been reading my fav bloggers and getting re inspired. I’ve been checking out articles on why people blog, and how to use your blog for your own purposes. I’ve been talking a lot to myself. My conclusion is that I want to keep blogging here, but that I have to change some things about my approach if I hope to survive.

So I’m going to try. I am going to keep being me, all bitchy and opinionated. I am going to tell you how I really feel, even if that makes SOME people run screaming to the PPD police or questioning my sanity (*please know I DO take PPD very seriously and in NO way intend to make that sound like I don’t. I just don’t think every mother who ever has a hard day needs 65 people to tell her she needs medication. Sometimes, things are just tough). I am still going to swear to much and talk about poop, all that will still remain. I am just going to try not to obsess so much over the structure of every sentence. I will go back to blogging how I want and breaking the rules because honestly, I’m not trying to build an empire here. I am going to attempt to stop blogging out 2000 words, even if that’s how much I have to say. I am going to try and just be more present. I hope that with that, it will be easier to accomplish my blogging goals. If it didn’t take me a good 4 hours to crank out one post, I think I would be way ahead of the game.

And if you really still can’t get enough of me? I am ALWAYS over at my other home Liberating Working Moms, where me and 7 other ladies talk working mom life, and are building a community for the likes of us. Even BETTER? I will be attending this years BlogHer ’12 in NEW FREAKING YORK so, you better come and say hello if you’re going to be there too.

And with that, I cut myself off, at just over 750 word…..because that’s better than 2000, right?

Now? I shall insert the obligatory photo that every post must have because why not?

Everly turned 2 while I was MIA!

Don’t think I feel for a second like you all want to know anything else about me, I mean, how much MORE of me could you handle? For real?

That said, my alter-ego same name BFF Brandy over at Mannly Mama has tagged me in today’s version of that high school note passing thing we used to do so, I’m here to tell you more about me anyway. You can thank her later.

The Rules

1. Post these rules
2. You must post 11 random things about yourself
3. Answer the questions set for you in the post you were tagged in
4. Create 11 new questions for your tagees to answer
5. Tag them on Twitter, Facebook or your blog

Random Things About Chilla (you know, other than EVERYTHING):

1. I hate when my food touches, or get’s soggy. And not like, “that wasn’t very good” but like “OMG this bun is soggy throw it out the window NOW before I die…YES DIE”. I believe the sog comes from the touching, so everything must stay in it’s place!
2. I have not and will not EVER drink the milk from my cereal bowl. HOLY GAG. I thought this was completely normal but, apparently it is not. I find it more foul than soggy things, and it just cannot happen. It’s all warm and chunky and sweet and I’m gagging just writing this. NOTHING touches my milk, NOTHING. It can only been consumed ice cold. No cookie dipping, no sitting on the counter for 20 mins, no nothing.
3. I have only had 1 Big Mac in my entire life, and it wasn’t until I was 28. It was in Winnipeg in the hubs cousins garage at 4:00am and I take no responsibility for my actions.
4. I’m 5’11″ but my feet are only a 7.5/8. This is my excuse for falling down so much.
5. I think in words and never in images. Again, I thought this was the norm but I’m learning that MOST people are visual thinkers and that’s something I just can’t do.
6. I’ve only thrown up on 3 occasions since I was 8, though I’ve WANTED to many more time.
7. I cannot ice skate, roller skate, ski or any other activity that requires strapping things to my feet and transporting myself.
8. I consume most of my daily calories after 9pm because I’m more of a snacker than anything. Yes I know that’s not good for you.
9. I believe that all colours match each other, and almost never dress in common colour combos.
10. 2 times in my life I have been cited for public urination…and both times were behind a dumpster in the Buns Master parking lot when I was in high school.
11. I am a cling-on when I sleep. My poor husband doesn’t need a blanket because I am almost always wrapped entirely around him. This happens when I share beds with friends too, which is NEVER embarrassing or anything.

My Questions:

1. Where do you buy most of your clothes? There is no answer for this. I will buy them anywhere I can find them, but they need to be cheap, awesome and work for more than one occasion. The more “slightly crazy” I can look, the better.
2. What is your favorite drink recipe? Unscrew the cap and pour? Hmn you want an actual recipe? This would be a toss up between Tarts (very limely gin and tonics) and Mojitios…oh who am I kidding, I will drink anything.
3. Describe your most memorable high school experience. Holy gawd I don’t know?!?! High School was mostly awesome and fun and I did a lot of things so, I cannot be expected to pin point any 1 in particular. I just can’t. Actually wait, my friend and I lived and worked in Banff for the summer before grad and that was AWESOME. No parents, basically legal drinking age and all the party you can handle? MOST MEMORABLE.
4. Is there a song that you always have to sing aloud every time? Um, all of them? I literally cannot not sing a song if I know it. But if I have to give you ONE song, then maybe Free Your Mind by En Vogue because I was a teen in the 90s and it’s awesome.
5. Do you prefer beach or mountains and why? I live SMACK in the middle of both so I love them both but, if I had to choose one, it’s beach. I like sun, and it being warm, and frosty vacation beverages, and people in bikinis.
6. Do you still hang out with any of your childhood friends? I have a core group of ladies from High School I hang out with but anyone pre Grade 8, nope.
7. Coco Pebbles or Coco Krispies? Um blech, neither.
8. If you could meet one blogger (besides me of course), who would it be? The only way to answer this fairly is to ignore your brackets and say YOU BRANDY!
9. If you were deserted on an island and could only have 3 beauty items, what would they be (not basic hygiene)? Facial moisturizer because I get STABBY when my skin is dry, mascara because that’s pretty much the entire extent of my daily make-up routine, and a hair tie/headband because my hair is out of control wavy and I’d want to contain that shit.
10. What is your favorite fancy coffee choice? Daily I drink Americanos but if you put me near an egg nog latte I will absolutely piss my pants with excitement (and because I had a baby and sometime peeing, it just happens).
11. When did you get your first cell phone? When I was 16. It was only to be used to check my PAGER LMAO!

Questions for my tagees to answer:

1. When I say “rock out” what immediately comes to your mind?
2. Finish this sentence: “I am awesome because ________”
3. How many licks does it take to get to the centre of a Tootsie Roll?
4. What was the last song you listened to?
5. What is your guilty pleasure?
6. How many pairs of shoes do you really have?
7. What movie do you know all the words to?
8. What were your kids names going to be when you fantasized about that in high school?
9. Do you or do you not dance and sing like a fool around you house, should you ever be alone in it?
10. How many sexual partners have you had? HA TOTALLY KIDDING! I mean, how old were you when you had your first kiss?
11. Can you eat with chopsticks? And I mean, effectively.

My Tagees: 

This is HARD yo!

1. Katherine from Somewhere In The Middle
2. Law Momma from Spilled Milk & Other Atrocities
3. John from Daddy Runs A Lot
4. Bitchy Librarian from Homance Diaries
5. The Motherfucking Wine Librarian from Homance Diaries
6. Amber from Backwards Life
7. Candice from Baked In Vancouver
8. Elizabeth from All That Biz
9. Jessica from Notes Of Life and Love
10. Jen from The Martha Project
11. Veronica from Crunchy VT Mommy

And done. If I tagged you and you’re not into it, I will not take offence. Play along only if you wanna

Could we cut the bullshit for a minute? Or even better, could we cut it for a lifetime? I mean why do we have to keep covering these same topics over and over again when really, there is no right answer?

Face it, motherhood is hard. Scratch that, PARENTHOOD is hard. They’ve even made a whole SHOW about that, and the different dynamics that are present, even within one family. I think it’s time that we all just got down off our soapboxes, threw our reality into the ring and breathed a sigh of relief for finally coming clean about all these things. Some days you’ve got it under control, and other days you don’t. We all deal with it differently, but the bottom line remains the same.

You’re not a bad parent if some days you find yourself overwhelmed, frustrated or wondering why you even had kids in the first place. You’re not a bad parent if you have moments of impatience, or if some days you start the countdown to bedtime before you’ve even liberated your child from their sleeping quarters. And you most certainly are not a bad parent if you need to take time for yourself once in a while so that you don’t up and run away in the night. The only bad parents I know, are the ones who live a double life, pretending it’s all wonderful when sometimes, it just isn’t; those parents are damaging to both their children and their peers  (obviously, there are abusive and neglectful parents out there as well but, I’m not talking about that here).

Unfortunately, the internet age has given birth to a wide range of overly opinionated people with the world at their fingertips. You arm some chick with a computer and a thesaurus and she deems herself a parenting expert; then she spends time attacking other people for not sharing her views, all the while crying about being judged for her choices (because clearly hers are right so, who are you to judge?). Sadly there are a lot of those nutters out there, and they are kind of tainting the rest of us. The whole thing is pretty ridiculous but, to say I’m not a part of it would clearly be hypocritical because obviously, you’re reading this on my mommy blog.

The problem is, we’ve moved away from the quiet support of a few good friends to oversharing across the world. We’ve lost the common courtesy that goes with interacting with people on a personal level. We are caught in this space where we are able talk freely about the choices we make, but now our openness is met with judgment. No matter how small the choice, someone is always there petitioning against it. It’s a stupid waste of time (but maybe a good way to burn a few extra calories?).

In general, for most of us, we put ourselves out there so other people can relate, can offer support, and can give up kudos for being such magical parents. We put ourselves out there because we like to hear ourselves speak, and because let’s face it, we like attention. We put ourselves out there because we like the dialogue that comes with sharing, and most often the interactions we have are positive if not enlightening. Most of the time, you get the positive reinforcement you crave. Other times, you hear opposing perspectives delivered in mature, pragmatic ways that may even cause you to rethink a choice you’ve made. There is constructive feedback and helpful suggestions, and if nothing else, there is the reinforcement that people everywhere do things differently, and that it’s ok.

However, for every 10 good interactions we get, there is that 1 that sends us reeling.

I have these trigger issues myself. Certain types of comments are left on my blog or said about my bloggy friends or written in someone else’s post and I can’t help but get uptight about them. There are many days I sit here biting my tongue or rewriting my snarky comment retaliation into something a little more constructive (and thus better received). There are other days where I just can’t help but call people out for their bullshit, and sometimes I have to abandon a conversation because I realize I’m heading too far down the path of being one of those mean bloggers who no one respects. And that isn’t me. I don’t want to be that way. I have my opinions, and I am not afraid to voice them. I will use harsh language and get to the point, but I try not to get into a pissing match with anyone because, to be honest, I don’t think I’m any better than anyone else.

When it comes to certain things though, I just want to choke some people.

I cannot take these holier than thou mothers who scour the internet for any sign of parental frustration so they can come in and kick a person while they are down. So often I see people telling other people (or telling me) things about how kids are kids and we should love them unconditionally; that feelings of anger or frustration or just plain overwhelmed are wrong. They tell you that if you’re feeling anxious about something you probably need medication, or they ask you completely out of line questions about your choices to have a child, or have additional children, because you clearly cannot handle what comes with parenting.

And then I am infuriated.

Have you MET children? I mean I love my daughter more than anything ever. I can’t even describe how much I love her, but also, she is annoying. Of course I love her unconditionally. Of course I would do absolutely anything to protect her, to make her happy, to keep her safe. Of course overall I think she is a wonderful and amazing human being, and I KNOW how lucky I am to have her. All that stuff aside, she’s an almost 2 year old, highly spirited little person who can make me laugh and simultaneously cry in frustration. She’s a toddler, and toddlerhood is psychological warfare.

Any person that tells you that they haven’t had moments of thinking parenthood is hard is lying. They are either lying or they are not sharing their clearly wonderful drugs with the rest of us. It just isn’t possible for someone to find parenting wonderful and joyous 100% of the time. It just isn’t. It isn’t human nature.

Now, I know there are a lot of women out there who have dedicated their lives to being mothers. A lot of them do love every moment of it, and many times they don’t understand those of us in the other camp, those who are trying to balance motherhood and themselves. And I get it. I WISH I was one of those people who could look at my child throwing herself on the floor of the grocery store because I won’t let her drink bleach and think “oh the poor dear, she is so frustrated that she can’t even control her emotions”. I wish I was more that way, but I’m not. And I think that is ok.

If you’re one of those people, that’s great. The world needs people like you to keep it in check. We need those mothers to give us perspective once in a while. Those of you who can look at your 5 children at the end of 3 weeks of cleaning up vomit while you yourself are vomiting, smile and think “I am so lucky to have such a wonderful family” are special. You might also be crazy but it’s the good kind of crazy so who cares. I know you people are out there. I read your blog posts about how blessed you are, and how even on the hardest days you can’t think of anything better than being a mother. I see you comment to other mothers who are having a rough time to offer an encouraging “motherhood is messy but isn’t it AWESOME?” And sometimes, I can even SEE the sunshine pouring out of your ass.

My point is, there are wonder moms out there. These are the women all us regular mom’s compare ourselves too, and then generally eat a bucket of ice cream and cry about how we pale in comparison. You’re out there, and you’re wonderful, and honestly you may even being doing it right. You’re approach to motherhood is admirable, and I for one could take a lesson or two from it. Maybe you’re just better at dealing with difficulties then I am. Perhaps you are ok with a serious delay in gratification for all your hard work, or you’re able to foresee the rewards enough to not get suffocated by the challenge. Maybe you really are just one of those people who can extract joy from any situation. Whatever it is, keep it up. I can only assume motherhood is a little bit easier without the heavy cloak of guilt and stress I carry around.

Then there are the rest of us. The ones who are frantically looking for the corkscrew at 11 seconds passed the bedtime hours. Those of us who cry in frustration after a day filled with terrible 2 antics that culminate in a war on bath time and a refusal to sleep.  There are those of us who sit and wonder what happened to our lives on occasion, and carefully contemplate the fact that maybe just maybe, motherhood wasn’t meant for us. We make distasteful jokes about abandoning our kids, and run out the door before our husband can even finish saying the sentence “maybe you need some me time”. We are the mothers who sometimes face the hard choices that inevitably result in trying to maintain a sense of self when another person is so heavily relying on us. And I hate to say it but, I think we are the norm.

At the end of the day, no person is right or wrong in their parenting choices, as long as those choices are informed, made with a clear head and intended to improve family life for both parents and children. You might think that using disposable diapers is a completely ridiculous choice, but as long as you know it’s only ridiculous as a choice for you personally, then you’re still right.Parenting is so subjective, and my point is that any choice is the right choice as long as it’s not harming anyone and it’s working for you. So when I see mothers telling other mothers that what they chose was wrong or that they shouldn’t be feeling a certain way, I get 15 kinds of rage.

Do you remember how hard being a new mother is? How guilt ridden and impressionable you are? How you question ever step you take, every thought you have, every plan? I still go through this daily, but I’m both confident enough in my abilities and strong enough in my convictions to know that even if someone disagrees with me, it doesn’t mean they are better (and I welcome disagreement that is constructive, but not that is inflammatory or accusatory in nature). The problem is there are so many other mothers, new mothers, timid mothers, mothers who have suffered a life time of condescension that can’t handle these comments.

These mothers who like to say that parenting isn’t hard, who will tell you that you should have known what you were getting into or that maybe you shouldn’t have more kids are mean. These flippant, ignorant comments they dole out without a second though could have a lifetime of repercussions for someone who is struggling. As mothers, or women in general, we question ourselves regularly, and we don’t need anyone else’s help.

So I beg you internet mean girls hiding in super mom cloaks to shut the fuck up. You’re not a super mom if you’re mean to everyone but your own children. Try for once to support someone who is struggling with their day, to offer something constructive and helpful, or don’t say anything at all. Stop telling me that I should learn to relax or that I’m psychologically damaging my child by not rocking her 2 year old self to sleep every night. Stop pretending to be this awesome person who revels in every challenge of motherhood and never ever feels a moment of tension when your kids are running amok, because you are promoting an untrue vision of motherhood.

Maybe you don’t let it get to you, maybe you know exactly what you’re doing, or maybe your children are just spiritless and don’t challenge you. I don’t know what the reason is, and I don’t care. I applaud your ability to roll with the punches but please don’t crucify me for being unable to enjoy the same. You need to stop telling other people how wonderful you are, and start telling them how wonderful they are, because you are clearly already full of yourself, and the rest of us could use a confidence booster once and awhile.

Most of all please stop lying and telling people that motherhood isn’t hard. It is hard; it has to be because nothing this rewarding and wonderful could possibly be easy.

I don’t usually do this. I don’t usually write open letters on my blog, or even engage in any of the mommy war bullshit. I won’t judge you, and I won’t let you judge me. You can try, have your thoughts about who I am or how I parent, you can even talk about me behind my back, that is all fine. I really don’t care. The truth is, not one of you is even close to being as critical of me as I am of myself. So when people are judging me, for the most part, I just ignore. it. A good friend once told me that when people are trying to bring you down, it’s only means you are above them. And it’s true. So all the bullshit about AP parents versus other types, or working versus staying at home moms, or purple haired vs. never been died doesn’t apply to me. You do it your way, and I’ll do it mine. If we are lucky, we’ll both learn something new we can share with each other, and that is that.

However this time, you people (and by “you people” I mean you self righteous, judgmental, dramatic, alarmist mom bully types) have gone too far. You’ve publicly called out one of my favourite bloggers alive, and I can’t just let it go. It’s not that she cannot defend herself, because she can. The woman is all that and a slice of cake. It’s just that I’m angry, and the subject is one of the few things I am passionate about in motherhood. And that’s sleep training. (I shouldn’t say it’s the one thing I’m passionate about. More, it’s the one thing that will have my blood boiling faster than you can say “psychological damage”.).

You can read Jill from Baby Rabies post here, and if you’re so inclined and feel like being angered, you can look at the slaughter that’s happening over on her FB page here.

Here is the the thing, I started out with all the best intentions. Having both a best friend and sister who had employed sleep training methods, the idea didn’t sit well with me. I mean, they are babies, they will learn to sleep, you just need to give them time. And letting them cry is cruel, your babies should never want for anything, and keeping them content is your only job. There are easy ways to teach your kids to sleep, and I was going to prove to everyone that it could be done….it’s funny how much you know about parenting before you have kids.

If we move many months later, we are faced with me, on the verge of a nervous breakdown, completey batshit crazy. You can read about MY post on CIO here. And I’ll warn you, if you think what Jill said was bad or wrong? Then you already aren’t going to like me.

At the end of the day, I am pro sleep and pro sanity, and I am also pro knowing your limits. I think that is one of my biggest regrets from the early days with Everly, I didn’t know my limits. I didn’t know how to ask for help, or be honest about how I was feeling, and I certainly didn’t know how to make tough decisions about things like sleep, for the benefit of my family.

So it angers me, greatly, when I see misinformed women pushing their own beliefs and selfish agendas onto people, especially new mothers.

Now of course, Jill isn’t new to this game. She is 1 year into being the mother of 2 children. She can (and does) teach me a boatload of things about parenting. And here is my point, many other NEW mothers turn to Jill for support. Be it through her blog, her Facebook page, or her Twitter, Jill is all up in the interwebs, being an accidental authority on parenting (and by that I mean, I suspect she didn’t intend to take over the internet with her blog, but she has, and now she is she is bound to a certain level of discretion in what she says…unlike me, who can piss off whomever I choose). So when these crazy alarmist bully moms are spouting complete and utter bullshit all over Jill’s Facebook page? New mothers are seeing this, and that’s adding to the guilt they are already experiencing because they’ve given life and that seems to come with the package. People turn to Jill for her honesty, and if she lied or sugar coated the challenges of this, should would be a doing a much greater disservice to life than she is by teaching her daughter to sleep.

I read some comments about readers claiming to recall being left to cry for hours upon hours at 9 months old, and how they now suffer PTSD from that. What a fucking load of crap. First of all, if your parents let you cry FOR HOURS on end, then I suspect they were lacking in other area’s of their parenting as well, and perhaps the PTSD isn’t entirely related to that one time you had to cry so your mom could take a poop. Also, there is no fucking CHANCE you remember being 9 months old. It’s not possible, honestly, can you even remember yesterday? If anything, your therapist is using the awesome trick of helping you construct memories so you have a scapegoat for all the shitty things in your life. That is your problem, not Jill’s.

I read all the comments about how Jill chose to have a baby, and thus chose to care for that baby. I read that it was cruel to leave your child to cry so you could do something selfish like sleep or rest, and how part of being a parent is giving your all. And that is true, part of being a parent IS giving your all, but what do you do when there is nothing left to give?

Let’s pretend for a moment that Jill could heed all the wonderful assvice she is getting. How she should just learn to sleep when the baby is sleeping, and accept that parenting is hard and sometimes you have to make sacrifices. Sure, that makes sense, and if Jill was a SAHM with a rich husband, cleaning people and NO OTHER CHILDREN, that even MAY be viable (though, my child only napped when I was physically pushing her in the stroller or driving her around, so THEN WHAT ASSHOLES? Last time I checked, sleeping while driving was a no-no. I mean, I guess not as bad as your child shedding a tear because it would only be killing innocent ADULTS and not allowing a 1 year old to cry).  However, Jill isn’t a SAHM to a single child with no other responsibilities. She has a toddler, and active little boy who she is also caring for. Sleeping when the baby is sleeping means, theoretically neglecting the older child, so is that the way? Is it ok that her son, her first born, be neglected and ignored so she can catch some sleep? Are we not worrying about HIS psychological welfare? Apparently not. Let him run free in the house, JUST DON’T LET HIS SISTER CRY.

Or perhaps, she should ask for help and get someone to come over so she can take a nap. You know, so that she can spend 2 hours trying to sleep while consumed with guilt for not being able to handle it all, while simultaneously being so amped up on sleep deprivation induced anxiety that she’s physically shaking. I am CERTAIN that a 2 hour nap and someone to do the dishes once or twice would cue all that ails her AND teach her daughter to sleep. SIMPLE RIGHT?

Or, how about if you’re like me, and your child is a tension RELEASE crier, who actually needs a few moments to settle on her own before falling asleep? Pretend for a moment that this concept goes against everything you’re taught about babies, so you spend weeks upon weeks trying to soothe your child to sleep, all the while exacerbating the issue. You try co-sleeping but your child doesn’t want to sleep with you after she has self weaned at 13 months, and would rather play play play, or cry right next to you.  Then you read an article or two like this one on Ask Moxie, and learn that you’re attempt at parenting your child to sleep may actually be causing more harm than good. Then pretend you accept that as possible, and offer your child a chance to do what she needs, and you learn that 4 hours of parenting to sleep could be solved with 8 minutes of fussing? Now where is your pedestal girls?

Let’s not forget that having children means adding to you life, not giving it up. Yes, you’re responsible for them. Yes, any good mother will sacrifice whatever she needs to care for her children, and yes, Jill understood all of that long before she had her second child. All that said, what about her? Becoming a mother does not mean you suddenly become a robot who lacks basic  needs (though you wouldn’t know it by our lack of eating, sleeping, showering and peeing). And further, caring for your kids requires you to care for yourself. I don’t give a shit what kind of lies you’re spouting off to the internet, you’re not a fucking stepford wife, and everyone has a breaking point. Maybe you’re an amazing person who thrives on stress and anxiety, who never needs to sleep and who can take the psychological torture your darling children sometimes deliver. Maybe you are all that and a bag of chips, but even if that’s the case, YOU are the anomaly and not Jill, and you should never ever ever make any other mother feel inadequate for trying to take care of her needs. If you’re ignoring yourself, your children are going to suffer much larger consequences as they grow, especially when you start to put perfectionist pressure on them for everything.

It is that kind of bullshit that has every second mother I know diagnosed with some form of PPD.

Jill sought out to make a change in her life, the life she and her husband have built for their family. She didn’t put her child down and let her scream so she could get a pedicure, she isn’t watching Oprah while her children are locked in their rooms, and she isn’t sitting there content and happy with herself as her darling daughter tries to figure out her shit. She didn’t say she let her kid cry for hours, or even that that was ever an option. She simply detailed a plan for sleep that took everyone’s needs into consideration, because THAT is what a good mother does. She is a caring and compassionate woman, who is at her wits end and needs to do something before a real tragedy occurs. Jill did her due diligence here. I sent her an eBook I used on gentle sleep training, and at the point that someone like Jill, with a million followers and expert parenting resources at her finger tips reaches out to a small blogger like me, to collect (in her words) “any advice or ideas on how to get her daughter to sleep”, you know she’s giving it her all. She didn’t make this decision with a callous heart. She isn’t one of those women who are crying in their latte when their 5 week old isn’t sleeping all night, and she certainly didn’t make this choice just to piss you self righteous bitches off. She did what she needed to do for her family.

If you don’t like it? That’s your choice. You don’t have to read about it, you don’t have to agree with it, and if you want, you can even offer constructive feedback about why you made the choices you made for your family. In fact, Jill is one of the most receptive bloggers I know to that sort of thing. But flaming her? Threatening a CPS call? Being a complete and utter bitch? Trying to pile on guilt or pass your inadequacies onto her?  Is not acceptable. She put herself out there, and is honest and true to who she is. Even if you don’t respect the choices she and her husband made for her family, you should at least respect her as another mother and human being.

I for one am proud of Jill for making a choice, and trying to make healthy changes for her family. I am proud of her for putting it out there, even though she KNEW what kind of response it would get. That says a lot about her, about the type of person and parent she is. It says a lot about how hard this whole thing has been for her. It says a lot about how she is raising those kids. If you can’t be a decent human being, then go back to raising your children to be assholes just like you….because fuck it, at least they aren’t crying when the push people down right?

Being a bully is ugly, no matter how you try to cover it up.