My Open Letter to the Haters – For Jill at Baby Rabies.
January 12th, 2012I don’t usually do this. I don’t usually write open letters on my blog, or even engage in any of the mommy war bullshit. I won’t judge you, and I won’t let you judge me. You can try, have your thoughts about who I am or how I parent, you can even talk about me behind my back, that is all fine. I really don’t care. The truth is, not one of you is even close to being as critical of me as I am of myself. So when people are judging me, for the most part, I just ignore. it. A good friend once told me that when people are trying to bring you down, it’s only means you are above them. And it’s true. So all the bullshit about AP parents versus other types, or working versus staying at home moms, or purple haired vs. never been died doesn’t apply to me. You do it your way, and I’ll do it mine. If we are lucky, we’ll both learn something new we can share with each other, and that is that.
However this time, you people (and by “you people” I mean you self righteous, judgmental, dramatic, alarmist mom bully types) have gone too far. You’ve publicly called out one of my favourite bloggers alive, and I can’t just let it go. It’s not that she cannot defend herself, because she can. The woman is all that and a slice of cake. It’s just that I’m angry, and the subject is one of the few things I am passionate about in motherhood. And that’s sleep training. (I shouldn’t say it’s the one thing I’m passionate about. More, it’s the one thing that will have my blood boiling faster than you can say “psychological damage”.).
You can read Jill from Baby Rabies post here, and if you’re so inclined and feel like being angered, you can look at the slaughter that’s happening over on her FB page here.
Here is the the thing, I started out with all the best intentions. Having both a best friend and sister who had employed sleep training methods, the idea didn’t sit well with me. I mean, they are babies, they will learn to sleep, you just need to give them time. And letting them cry is cruel, your babies should never want for anything, and keeping them content is your only job. There are easy ways to teach your kids to sleep, and I was going to prove to everyone that it could be done….it’s funny how much you know about parenting before you have kids.
If we move many months later, we are faced with me, on the verge of a nervous breakdown, completey batshit crazy. You can read about MY post on CIO here. And I’ll warn you, if you think what Jill said was bad or wrong? Then you already aren’t going to like me.
At the end of the day, I am pro sleep and pro sanity, and I am also pro knowing your limits. I think that is one of my biggest regrets from the early days with Everly, I didn’t know my limits. I didn’t know how to ask for help, or be honest about how I was feeling, and I certainly didn’t know how to make tough decisions about things like sleep, for the benefit of my family.
So it angers me, greatly, when I see misinformed women pushing their own beliefs and selfish agendas onto people, especially new mothers.
Now of course, Jill isn’t new to this game. She is 1 year into being the mother of 2 children. She can (and does) teach me a boatload of things about parenting. And here is my point, many other NEW mothers turn to Jill for support. Be it through her blog, her Facebook page, or her Twitter, Jill is all up in the interwebs, being an accidental authority on parenting (and by that I mean, I suspect she didn’t intend to take over the internet with her blog, but she has, and now she is she is bound to a certain level of discretion in what she says…unlike me, who can piss off whomever I choose). So when these crazy alarmist bully moms are spouting complete and utter bullshit all over Jill’s Facebook page? New mothers are seeing this, and that’s adding to the guilt they are already experiencing because they’ve given life and that seems to come with the package. People turn to Jill for her honesty, and if she lied or sugar coated the challenges of this, should would be a doing a much greater disservice to life than she is by teaching her daughter to sleep.
I read some comments about readers claiming to recall being left to cry for hours upon hours at 9 months old, and how they now suffer PTSD from that. What a fucking load of crap. First of all, if your parents let you cry FOR HOURS on end, then I suspect they were lacking in other area’s of their parenting as well, and perhaps the PTSD isn’t entirely related to that one time you had to cry so your mom could take a poop. Also, there is no fucking CHANCE you remember being 9 months old. It’s not possible, honestly, can you even remember yesterday? If anything, your therapist is using the awesome trick of helping you construct memories so you have a scapegoat for all the shitty things in your life. That is your problem, not Jill’s.
I read all the comments about how Jill chose to have a baby, and thus chose to care for that baby. I read that it was cruel to leave your child to cry so you could do something selfish like sleep or rest, and how part of being a parent is giving your all. And that is true, part of being a parent IS giving your all, but what do you do when there is nothing left to give?
Let’s pretend for a moment that Jill could heed all the wonderful assvice she is getting. How she should just learn to sleep when the baby is sleeping, and accept that parenting is hard and sometimes you have to make sacrifices. Sure, that makes sense, and if Jill was a SAHM with a rich husband, cleaning people and NO OTHER CHILDREN, that even MAY be viable (though, my child only napped when I was physically pushing her in the stroller or driving her around, so THEN WHAT ASSHOLES? Last time I checked, sleeping while driving was a no-no. I mean, I guess not as bad as your child shedding a tear because it would only be killing innocent ADULTS and not allowing a 1 year old to cry). However, Jill isn’t a SAHM to a single child with no other responsibilities. She has a toddler, and active little boy who she is also caring for. Sleeping when the baby is sleeping means, theoretically neglecting the older child, so is that the way? Is it ok that her son, her first born, be neglected and ignored so she can catch some sleep? Are we not worrying about HIS psychological welfare? Apparently not. Let him run free in the house, JUST DON’T LET HIS SISTER CRY.
Or perhaps, she should ask for help and get someone to come over so she can take a nap. You know, so that she can spend 2 hours trying to sleep while consumed with guilt for not being able to handle it all, while simultaneously being so amped up on sleep deprivation induced anxiety that she’s physically shaking. I am CERTAIN that a 2 hour nap and someone to do the dishes once or twice would cue all that ails her AND teach her daughter to sleep. SIMPLE RIGHT?
Or, how about if you’re like me, and your child is a tension RELEASE crier, who actually needs a few moments to settle on her own before falling asleep? Pretend for a moment that this concept goes against everything you’re taught about babies, so you spend weeks upon weeks trying to soothe your child to sleep, all the while exacerbating the issue. You try co-sleeping but your child doesn’t want to sleep with you after she has self weaned at 13 months, and would rather play play play, or cry right next to you. Then you read an article or two like this one on Ask Moxie, and learn that you’re attempt at parenting your child to sleep may actually be causing more harm than good. Then pretend you accept that as possible, and offer your child a chance to do what she needs, and you learn that 4 hours of parenting to sleep could be solved with 8 minutes of fussing? Now where is your pedestal girls?
Let’s not forget that having children means adding to you life, not giving it up. Yes, you’re responsible for them. Yes, any good mother will sacrifice whatever she needs to care for her children, and yes, Jill understood all of that long before she had her second child. All that said, what about her? Becoming a mother does not mean you suddenly become a robot who lacks basic needs (though you wouldn’t know it by our lack of eating, sleeping, showering and peeing). And further, caring for your kids requires you to care for yourself. I don’t give a shit what kind of lies you’re spouting off to the internet, you’re not a fucking stepford wife, and everyone has a breaking point. Maybe you’re an amazing person who thrives on stress and anxiety, who never needs to sleep and who can take the psychological torture your darling children sometimes deliver. Maybe you are all that and a bag of chips, but even if that’s the case, YOU are the anomaly and not Jill, and you should never ever ever make any other mother feel inadequate for trying to take care of her needs. If you’re ignoring yourself, your children are going to suffer much larger consequences as they grow, especially when you start to put perfectionist pressure on them for everything.
It is that kind of bullshit that has every second mother I know diagnosed with some form of PPD.
Jill sought out to make a change in her life, the life she and her husband have built for their family. She didn’t put her child down and let her scream so she could get a pedicure, she isn’t watching Oprah while her children are locked in their rooms, and she isn’t sitting there content and happy with herself as her darling daughter tries to figure out her shit. She didn’t say she let her kid cry for hours, or even that that was ever an option. She simply detailed a plan for sleep that took everyone’s needs into consideration, because THAT is what a good mother does. She is a caring and compassionate woman, who is at her wits end and needs to do something before a real tragedy occurs. Jill did her due diligence here. I sent her an eBook I used on gentle sleep training, and at the point that someone like Jill, with a million followers and expert parenting resources at her finger tips reaches out to a small blogger like me, to collect (in her words) “any advice or ideas on how to get her daughter to sleep”, you know she’s giving it her all. She didn’t make this decision with a callous heart. She isn’t one of those women who are crying in their latte when their 5 week old isn’t sleeping all night, and she certainly didn’t make this choice just to piss you self righteous bitches off. She did what she needed to do for her family.
If you don’t like it? That’s your choice. You don’t have to read about it, you don’t have to agree with it, and if you want, you can even offer constructive feedback about why you made the choices you made for your family. In fact, Jill is one of the most receptive bloggers I know to that sort of thing. But flaming her? Threatening a CPS call? Being a complete and utter bitch? Trying to pile on guilt or pass your inadequacies onto her? Is not acceptable. She put herself out there, and is honest and true to who she is. Even if you don’t respect the choices she and her husband made for her family, you should at least respect her as another mother and human being.
I for one am proud of Jill for making a choice, and trying to make healthy changes for her family. I am proud of her for putting it out there, even though she KNEW what kind of response it would get. That says a lot about her, about the type of person and parent she is. It says a lot about how hard this whole thing has been for her. It says a lot about how she is raising those kids. If you can’t be a decent human being, then go back to raising your children to be assholes just like you….because fuck it, at least they aren’t crying when the push people down right?
Being a bully is ugly, no matter how you try to cover it up.
Like this? Check Out These!
Oh No, Say It Ain’t So! You Did Not CIO!?!- Punishing You, Punishing Me
- Our Mothers Were Better Than Us
- This is MADNESS!
- Before You Say It…Don’t…
Tags: Advice, Mommy Rant, Sleeping Baby, Sleepless Infant
All I have to say is AMEN!!! Well, said. I wish I had been as strong as Jill it took me 14 months to finally CIO. I wish I had done it sooner. So AMEN!
Hey, that just means it took you longer to get to your breaking point
You are the bomb!
Thanks!
Wow. I never realized how many people judge other people's parenting. Mind you, the internet is full of idiots (present company excluded).
Our son didn't fully sleep through the night until he was a year and a half old. We broke down and got professional help – a sleep trainer who consulted with us.
There was a lot of crying, but I never left his side. He'll never remember it. I'll never forget it. It was the most awful parenting experience of my life (so far), but one of the most positive. He sleeps like a champ now, and so do we.
Before this, though, when he wasn't sleeping, there was no shortage of other parents offering advice and the overwhelming response was "you gotta let him cry it out".
No. Fucking Way. Maybe that worked for your kid and your family. I'm not going to judge you. That's not going to work for us.
Parenting is brutal, amazing, joyful and terrifying and incredibly personal. People need to realize that you can't just apply one theory to every baby. It just doesn't work that way.
Instead of being black and white about it, other parents should learn to just offer support instead of advice.
Well see, you're a man. And men, while infuriating on many levels, don't tend to partake in this "parenting wars" bullshit. When the hubs and his friends with kids talk about their kids, they are simply talking. No one is judging or offering stupid advice (well, ok they probably are but not in the same way) or creating guilt or doubt. They just be a couple a dude, talking bout stuff.
Women on the other hand can be vicious. And many, in an attempt to manage their own feelings of inadequacy, work to bring other mothers down, so that they can feel superior. It's pathetic.
We ALMOST consulted a sleep specialist ourselves. That was the next step. I talked to a few and one offered me her book which I ultimately used. Her method gives the option to sit in the room as you did with A. I tried that for naps but ZOMG so much worse. My child wants to play if I am around. Full stop. No other option. So we had to go the other way. That is what worked for her, for us, for my family. And like you said, this whole thing is incredibly personal, and there is no one solution for all their problems.
Some people are just too judgmental to understand that.
When we did the sleep training, it was suggested that I do it, and not my wife, for that very reason. I took the week off work and sat with him every night to reassure him that I was there if he needed me. My wife slept (for the first time in months) in the other room. She finally got some rest and I felt what it was like to be constantly needed by another human. As hard as it was, it worked well for our family.
I hate to use finality terms like "never" but after an experience like that, I will never judge another parent's methods.
You're totally right about dudes, though. For the most part, we are not overly critical of each other. That being said, it was all my guy friends telling me to have him cry it out. That made me want to learn more about infant sleep patterns. Rather than being total assholes about parenting, dudes tend to make it a competition!
Geoff´s last [type] ..It’s all about the equipment
It is something you cannot understand until you go through it. The hubs was trying SO hard to help me, but even when our kid WAS sleeping, he'd find me washing dishes and crying at 3am because I wasn't able to sleep, and I didn't know when else to do the damn dishes. He was there to help but I didn't even know what I needed.
But see, A DID cry, didn't he? You were there, but there were tears right? The sleep book we eventually used was written by a sleep expert and a baby expert and even SHE said that after a certain age, sometimes you just have to let them cry. I believe what SHE says over a bunch of PTSD claiming mom bullies.
I think too, there is a HUGE misconception about sleep training. Legit CIO is when you really do just walk away and leave them to cry for hours. Sleep training is when you do all you can to assist them, and then eventually allow them the opportunity to learn themselves. Sometimes that includes tears.
And hey, nothing wrong with a little competition
<3
Yes, A cried for a while, and yes, I did not ever leave the room. Part of the training was just being around when he cried. There were different time increments and different times when I could pick him up and when I just needed to let him cry. Watching, hearing him cry was the traumatising part for me. But it worked and now we all sleep.
As a quick side note, I still check on him every night before I go to bed. I have to. I still do. He's well past two now. When, in one week of training, a baby goes from not sleeping for the first year and a half of his life to an uninterrupted 10 hour sleep, I always have a nagging thing in my brain that he has died. Every night I kiss his head and check his pulse. I know he's fine. I just feel compelled to do it.
Long live parental anxiety.
Geoff´s last [type] ..It’s all about the equipment
We have a video monitor and we stare obsessively until she moves at least 10 times a night. And more often than not, the hubs sneaks in there to check on her. I anticipate still doing this when she's about 14.
Wow, I was blessed with a baby that was sleeping through the night at around 1 month old, but I don't understand what the big deal is. I would put my baby down for a nap after I fed and changed her and she would cry. Sometimes for 20 minutes. But now, when I lay her down for a nap, she just kind of hangs out until she falls asleep. She wasn't being neglected and had all her needs met. Now she's on a schedule and she knows the routine. People should really just worry about parenting their own kids and leave this poor woman alone!
Rachael´s last [type] ..He’s Army Strong
OH you're so lucky. It took me about 16 months to get Everly to nap lol.
And you're right, worry about your own kids, that's all you can do.
LOVED this. You put things in such a perfect way. I just kept shaking my head "yes" the entire time!
I fear more for their children that these women will pass along their shameless bullying and ability to belittle other people way more than I fear mine will be "damaged" from having to learn to fall asleep and soother herself to sleep.
Exactly, EXACTLY what I was thinking. I'd rather my kid cry a few times then grow up a judgmental wench.
Hot DAMN, woman! I like, love you, for this. Can we go get a beer and people-watch someday, while people talk about us for [abandoning] our children with our husbands, because, how dare we take 30 minutes for ourselves once in a while?!?
Lindsay´s last [type] ..Ravine
YES yes we can. I also like to go for pedicures while my kid is at daycare sometimes, or go for lunch with my friends while she is home with the husband. OH THE HORROR of taking care of thyself.
Abandon away… abandon them with their father….? People are so annoying.
I love you for this. For saying so much of what I've felt. More than anything, I love that I have bloggy friends who support me for being the person I am, regardless of the choices I make. You rock!
Jill @BabyRabies´s last [type] ..The Gift Of Silence
You rock yourself lady! You're the first person I've ever written an open letter to. It is a whole new world!
Really enjoyed the post! We had a long time of poor sleeping (us) because we couldn't bring ourselves to let D CIO and ended up doing a lot of co-sleeping, waking up in the middle of the night etc. Until one day at nap time, he was fighting it so much and I put him in his room and he cried for about 10 minutes and slept. And then I realized that he could put himself to sleep. Duh! So I guess we did end up doing a bit of CIO.
Anyway, long story short, I'm so tired and fed up with the judgment. D is circumcised, primarily fed formula as an infant and I work outside the home. Oh, and guess what…I didn't give birth to him either, so obviously I'm a complete failure as a mother. Who cares??? He's loved and thriving. Jill's kids are loved and thriving. Your daughter is loved and thriving. At the end of the day, that's what matters.
KH99´s last [type] ..An Open Letter to My Son’s Preschool Teachers
I am not a mother, but I have been a nanny several times over and, for the past 8 years, have worked at a 24-hour crisis nursery for children birth to 6-years-old. I can flawlessly pinpoint which kids are sleep trained and which kids aren't. I am not judging either way–I think each and every child/mama is different and should do what feels right for their family. The one big difference I've seen: Mamas who sleep train get infinitely more sleep than mamas who don't. INFINITELY MORE!!! As someone who relies on sleep to be a decent human being, I most definitely reccomend 8 minutes of fussing over 4-hours of parenting.
As I was reading this, I thought you were going to go the other way and tell me that the sleep trained kids are a mess….I am SO glad to hear you say it's about what's right for the family.
And I agree, sleep is funny like that, we actually NEED it to function.
I love you, and you're so so right. While letting a newborn cry themselves to sleep still gives me hives, a 1 year old can sort themselves out once in a while as long as their healthy.
"one time you had to cry so your mom could take a poop" hahahhaha I love love this. Geeze I was terrible at putting Alexa down for anything, and I'm certain that her sleep issues were because of me, at least partially. I'm pretty sure my second daughter will be left to fuss a bit more, because babies don't die from crying for a few minutes. You love them, you feed them, you change them, you hold them when you can, but you CAN put them down…and if they cry….they'll live.
I didn't sleep for 18 months, and sleep training was the only thing that finally saved us at 20 months (Peter held her for those 2 months before we were ready but I was just too out of sorts). When we did leave Alexa to CIO (though not really, she only cried for 15 minutes one night, then 10 the next) she actually DID learn to sleep. Imagine that. All the judgey scantimomies were wrong.
I mean, maybe she would've had horrible issues had we did that that at 6 months, I dunno. She was refluxy and there was no choice but to keep her calm because there was actual pain from crying. At almost 2 she finally became the dream baby we always knew she could be…because we didn't hate every single thing about life after the sleep deprivation had been cured!
I wonder how long I'll wait this time if I get another never-sleeper?
Amber @ Backwards Li´s last [type] ..Planning a Healing Birth
I saw this mess go down on Baby Rabies post and was dismayed, not all anti CIO people are so aggressive, and not all children raised non CIO are disasters. I am anti CIO to the core, so I didn't do it. I co sleep, I have a wonderful sleeper, and am die hard AP. But I am also human, I am a parent, I am a friend to women who have done versions of CIO. I tell my friends that if they need a cheerleader to help them not CIO, they know who to call. If they need a friend to listen as they talk about their CIO, I will listen. End of story.
I also want to say that when we speak about babies and their sleep, I think it is important to remember that we are talking about individuals with different temperaments. Just as I know adults who sleep well or poorly, I know some babies are just better sleeper than others regardless of our methods.
I hated seeing what happened in that comment thread, but I was also bummed out to see my own parenting style harshly judged in the same breath as others were saying they didn't want to be judged. Perspective and parenting methods completely aside, there was a lot of bad behavior in that comment thread. The biggest thing I did not have in common with most commenters was a totally bad attitude – not my thoughts on CIO.
Very well said.
This is exactly what we need, people understanding that parents AND babies are people. They are different, and things don't work the same. The combination of temperaments between parents and children contribute to behaviours, that's just pure life. You cannot control those things, you can only learn to adapt to them. My husband is a HORRIBLE sleeper, even as an adult. If I thought crying would help him get some shut eye, I'd be sleep training him as well.
It's like me and breastfeeding. I am a BIG HUGE advocate of it, that said, if it isn't working for you and you want to stop, then I will still be there for you. Sure, I would rather talk someone through different things to try to continue on, but if that isn't how they want to proceed, then I am there for them to talk to.
The comment thread got WAY out of hand. WAY. While I am in no way a die hard AP parent, I always start with those ideals when trying new things. I think you can be anywhere on the spectrum and still respect people for where they are.
I really don't think this crying vs. parenting to sleep thing is a AP issue at all. The AP parents I know, are a kind group of caring people, who wouldn't act the way some people did on the comment thread. I don't know how someone can claim to be so compassionate to babies when they are being so hateful to their peers; it just makes no sense to me? And I too find it ironic when people are judging people while saying "don't just me" .
And I also tried the co-sleeping route. I am also blessed with a child who hates to co-sleep. If I am with her? It is ALL PLAY ALL THE TIME. NO matter HOW long you wait. Sometimes her dad can get her to sleep with him but never me.
And this? RIGHT ON:
I laughed out loud about sleep training your husband!
The hypocrisy in so many of those comments was just incredible. "Don't judge me, but I'll judge you." "Be kind to your baby, but fuck you." Seriously, unbelievable.
I share your parenting philosophy, start with high ideals, then adjust. If my high ideals cause me to be cruel, rigid, or a hypocrite I will have to take a good, hard look at myself. I figure my baby is the one allowing me to be a diehard AP, if I have another child I will, without a doubt, have to reinvent myself!
I wanted to share this with you, my parenting philosophy
"Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow where they lead." — Louisa May Alcott
That is an AWESOME quote. Thank you SO much for sharing!
Seriously I WISH someone had taught the man how to sleep without the television on long enough for sheer exhaustion taking over.
Isn't that the kicker? No matter what you try and learn now, there is no way to know if that will work on another child. Perhaps my next kid will be one of those who doesn't have to exercise her will in every thing she does. Not that that is something I don't admire in my child, the head strong ones just take a little more patience…or so I assume seeing as I only HAVE the one type
And I think I tell it like it is! You're the master.
By the way, did you patent the term "assvice"???
Shannon´s last [type] ..Reversed Separation Anxiety
Ha I'd LOVE to patent the term but, I am pretty sure I heard it from someone else.
You know what, parenting is about working out the best way for you and your child. Some methods work for some and different ones for others – and the personality of the child can weigh heavily. I have two very different boys and have not used all the same techniques with them. We should support each other rather than judge. My Mom used to always say, never judge until you have walked a mile in someone else's shoes…not just around the block.
Great point, your mother is wise!
Awesome post dude. Ptsd from crying at 9 months old? Hahahaha!
I know, right?!?
Great POST! I love Jill too and couldn't believe all the crap that people that follow her wrote. Got me thinking that some people follow people so that they can critcize. Thanks for standing up and saying what I felt!!!
Hats off to you ladies. Raising a baby isn’t a perfect science, and there’s certainly no one right way to do it.
Some women seem to think that because they’ve had a kid, they know all, and get to judge others for their parenting style. Giving birth makes you an expert on children about as much as taking a shit makes you a nutritionist. Everyone muddles through as best they can, and really, if these people have that much energy to devote to criticising someone else’s parenting they more probably not spending enough energy on their own kids anyway.