Ok, before you get all up in arms over my title, and start wondering if I need to go in for some sort of evaluation, let me preface this post with the fact that, I do not actually think I am not a good mother. Sure, I don’t necessarily think I am winning any mother of the year awards, but I don’t think they are going to make any made for TV movies about me either.
I do the best that I can. And despite the recent bouts of sleeplessness, I think I am actually holding it together pretty well. Sure, the last few weeks have left me completely certifiable, and any of you who follow me on Twitter are probably all “this chick needs to SHUT THE EFF UP ABOUT THIS”, but in general, I think I manage. And I’m the only mother Everly has. So even in the places where I don’t do ok, I can at least take solace in the fact that she doesn’t know any better and that despite those indiscretions, she seems to love me anyway.
I love my daughter with every ounce of my soul, and I would die for her in a heartbeat or sever my right arm if it meant she never once had to feel pain in her life. I spend my days trying to think up new and exciting ways to entertain her. I catch myself doing silly things I NEVER would have thought I’d do. I am now one of those people who will lift a child’s butt to her nose to determine if there is a poop in there, and who will lick my finger and use saliva to wipe dried on tears or vomit from her cheek. I sing A LOT despite my very tone deaf nature, and I have not even thought of buying myself clothes since she was born, but have filled her closets to the brim. I kiss her no less than 10,000 times a day, and tell her I love her even more. I’ll spend 20 minutes working on a giggle, I have exclusively breastfed despite the trouble I had in the beginning (and endless pushing to try formula), and I always put her needs ahead of my own.
The bottom line is, I am a mother. I am a pretty good one. My child is happy almost always. She is healthy. We travel. We play with lots of people. She has a lot of experiences and wants for nothing. But some days, there are thoughts that go through my head which lead me to think “I’m not a good mother”.
And in the spirit of being all honest and open and blatantly insane to all of you out there, I thought I’d share. I suspect I am not alone.
I am not a good mother because….
- Sometimes I look at Everly and think “what have I done?”
- There are days when I wish I could just pull the covers over my head and pretend she isn’t there
- I wonder how different life would have been if I never had children
- I regret not getting X,Y and Z done before she was born
- I feel like a failure when I can’t get something to work right (these days it’s the sleeping. Before that, it was the breastfeeding)
- I have the audacity to complain about the rough days, when there are so many people out there who are dying to be in my shoes and can’t
- I’ve looked my baby right in the eyes and asked her ‘what the fuck do you want’ (she didn’t answer me by the way)
- I’ve woken up for the 6th time in the night, looked at my husband through the tears in my eyes and said “I just don’t have this in me anymore”
- I’ve thought, many a time, never, ever again (and am currently sticking to that)
- I’ve contemplated leaving Everly at the fire department (they take babies, right?), putting her in the mailbox and giving her to the next person on the street
- She has cried, uncontrollably and I have not only let that happen, but have not been able to stop it (good mothers can figure out how to stop it, can’t they?)
- I’ve plotted how I can escape the house, just as the hubs is returning, and never look back – I’d send money though
- I’ve cried to her, at her, about her and over her on more occasions than I can count
- I’ve gone into my bedroom closet, closed the doors and SCREAMED “WHY OH FUCKING WHY? WHAT DOES SHE WANT” several times – no one ever answers, but it helps
- I often feel quite lame for my whining, and wish I was a more easy going person who could handle the rough spots with more grace
- I’ve written a blog post about how I am not a good mother
So what about you? Are you a good mother?
{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }
Sista, I feel your pain. TRULY. I could have written this post, except change ‘Everly’ to ‘Jamie’ and change all of the female pronouns to male ones.
You are not alone.
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I could have written 90% of your list up there. And now I feel guilty about feeling so much better that someone else has felt the same way.
WeeMasonMan’s Mom´s last [type] ..Masons Older Siblings
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Babe_Chilla Reply:
August 16th, 2010 at 10:21 pm
Hey man, misery loves company!
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I love and appreciate your honesty!! And anyone who tells you that they have never felt any of those things you listed in regards to their own parenting is LYING!
Remember that you are certainly not alone, and that you are completely normal for having those thoughts!!
I remember when the 9yr old monster was a baby.. He wouldn’t stop crying. Nothing worked, and I had no idea what else to do for him. I looked at him, screaming away in his bouncy chair and yelled at him to shut up. I then cried for at least an hour for being such a horrible and ungrateful mother. You are definately not alone.
FlygirlWS´s last [type] ..The Customer Service Myth
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Babe_Chilla Reply:
August 16th, 2010 at 10:20 pm
That’s the thing, you yell at them, then cry about it. I’m crying one way or another.
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All those things? They don’t make you a bad mother, they make you a mother. I think we all have those moments, I know I sure do. I would craft a better response but someone here smells a bit like poop and the other is running around the dining room table in circles and I think dinner is burning and I haven’t finished fantasizing about my own escape.
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Babe_Chilla Reply:
August 16th, 2010 at 10:19 pm
AHAHAHAH I’m not the only one dreaming of escaping? Awesome.
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I…have been told that I’m not. By my SMIL. The only person to ever fuel my own voice of doubt.
So now, I REALLY wonder. I feel like I’m a bad mother, because I don’t ‘stimulate’ Nolan enough – or at least, enough to appease my SMIL. We don’t go out enough, I don’t take him to the zoo or beach or or or or.
I thought I was a good mom, because I always put Nolan’s needs before my own. We play constantly, even if we don’t go out or to beaches. We go for walks, go to play group, go on the caresoul, the merry go round, and on play dates but – thanks to my SMIL I always fear that its not enough.
So, I don’t know. Matt says I’m a good mom, and Nolan loves me and is happy..so, maybe?
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Babe_Chilla Reply:
August 16th, 2010 at 10:19 pm
Oh my love that is RIDICULOUS! Your SMIL should go fuck herself. And I can say that, because this is my blog!
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Oh girl.
I walked into Madison’s bedroom one night in the early days when it was Clint’s turn to try and get her down and he just looked at me and said “We’re still in that grace period where the firemen will take her noq questions asked.”
I have yelled at her. Told her to shut up. Cried about making the biggest mistake of my life and I’m sure many many more.
Totally normal. I still have my moments when the crying feels like it is shredding my soul, but it is infinitely better. I promise you… It wasn’t until about 4 or 5 months (maybe even closer to 6 months) when it really just started getting “easy.”
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Babe_Chilla Reply:
August 16th, 2010 at 10:18 pm
There is an ‘easy’?
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I think most people go through the things on your list (at least I tell myself that, because I do!) Except I did do it again, so this time I can’t go into my closet and yell profanities, because then my toddler would repeat them to people at Target, and I would REALLY look like a bad mother.
Hang in there. My son is a terrible sleeper, and with each of your tweets, I think they might be long lost non-sleeping twins (except that they, you know, have different parents and aren’t the same age.)
angela´s last [type] ..On a Swing
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Babe_Chilla Reply:
August 16th, 2010 at 10:15 pm
Oh no, I never thought about the lack of profanity yelling that comes with baby #2!
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When I read this, I feel like we’re the same person. Only, add to that my husband ALSO screaming in our babies face, ‘what the fuck do u want’…. and then me crying because I thought he was going to leave me, with this screaming baby, because he couldnt’ take it anymore. (even though he has in no way, ever, ever hinted that). I call it the crazy mom brain, thinking away.
I don’t think there is a “normal” for ANY mother… so I’m not going to say that, about you. What I am going to say is, I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND YOU. We are only human, and dealing with all of the things a baby puts you through, is HARD. No matter who you are.
For me, life started to get a little easier when my son reached about 4 months.. but now he’s 5 months and teething like a mother. And I again, feel like I’m loosing my mind at times too.
This is the way it is. I’ll admit it. Motherhood is not what I expected. But I still love kissing those lil cheeks, and I’m going to contInue to do the best I can. Isn’t that being a good mother?
Michelle´s last [type] ..Home made wall ART
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Babe_Chilla Reply:
August 16th, 2010 at 10:15 pm
I am pretty insanely lucky that my husband is patient with her. More patient with her than anything else ever. He’s never yelled at her (nor has he witnessed ME doing it) but he has handed her to me, him in tears, and walked away. I also get this ‘OMG he is going to leave us’ thing, as well as the ‘he will NEVER let me do it again’. Not that I want to lol.
She is 4.5 months already! She is good like 90% but that 10%? INSANITY.
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That all sounds perfectly normal to me. Wait until she’s a teenager. This will be nothing and you will look back and laugh
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Babe_Chilla Reply:
August 16th, 2010 at 10:13 pm
I was a terrible baby but an excellent teenager, so I’m holding onto that theory.
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it does get easier, hang in there. it may be hard to imagine, but before you know it, the sleeping thing will be a distant memory (though i doubt you will ever sleep as blissfully as life before children ever again) and Everly will be telling you how much she loves you and all that fun toddler stuff — before you know it, you’ll be pregnant again (oh god, is it too late to back out of this? I’m afraid!!!
)
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Babe_Chilla Reply:
August 16th, 2010 at 10:12 pm
BAHAHAHAHHAHA pregnant again? I don’t think so ha. That scares me big time ha. And yes, I think it is too late now Miss!
I really DON’T want to rush it all away, I just want to get through it with as few grey hairs and wrinkles as possible.
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That list is very familiar to me. I remember wanting to give M to the next old lady who cooed, “What an angel,” to him. I’m not going to lie – I still ask some of those questions from time to time. I just get over it quicker now. And feel less guilty about it. Damn mom guilt.
Lori´s last [type] ..Some Things Arent Meant to be Fixed
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Babe_Chilla Reply:
August 17th, 2010 at 10:54 am
Ya jeebus, I didn’t know this much GUILT came with being a mommy!
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The first list of things? that is why you are a GREAT mother.
The second list of things? that is why you are a competely normal average mother.
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Babe_Chilla Reply:
August 17th, 2010 at 10:55 am
Thanks
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I think every one of those things on your list have gone through my head at some point or another. Seriously though…sleep deprivation does crazy things to you and pretty much just gives you an all around awful feeling about everything. You’re not a bad mom, you are just a sleep deprived mom who is tired. I used to get anxiety when it would start getting dark outside because I knew the difficult “night shift” was about to begin and every time I’d fall asleep, I’d get woken up.
I know everyone keeps saying this but it will get better, she will sleep, I promise.
Erin´s last [type] ..Failing
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Babe_Chilla Reply:
August 17th, 2010 at 10:53 am
OH THE ANXIETY! I’ve never been an anxious person by OMG now? I am so stressed out!
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If all those things make you a bad mother, then I, along with thousands of other moms out there are bad mothers as well.
And when you put it that way, you realize that you are not a terrible mother, you are a mother and most all mothers go through some crazy times in their new mommy life. I hope for your sake Everly starts sleeping soon. The babe? Still doesn’t sleep through the night. He is 8 months. I looked at my husband the other night and told him I couldn’t do it any longer. I need some divine intervention to help this child sleep, because what I am currently doing isn’t helping. But one day they go to college…and we get to sleep in again. It just takes 18 years!
Nikki´s last [type] ..At the End of the Day
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Babe_Chilla Reply:
August 17th, 2010 at 10:53 am
I’m totally fine with 1 or 2 wake up’s per night. No problem. It’s the 6+ and the hour to put back down that is TOO MUCH ugh!
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You are a great mother! I went through it as well, and now look how much fun I have with Teegan! it never gets “easy” but with sleep EVERYTHING is much easier to handle. That fact that you can admit it, makes you a step ahead of alot of people. The day to day stuff becomes so smooth eventually that you dont think about it anymore, you just do it. I love you, and if your little sis can handle it, you will be fine too. Once you sleep, the world becomes much more pleasant. ( and yes she WILL sleep again)
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Babe_Chilla Reply:
August 17th, 2010 at 10:52 am
Can her aunty beat her into sleep submission? Teeg’s is such a good sleeper!
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I can definately relate to your list, and did two times more. And eventhough my second and third children were much easier I still had those nights. Come to think of it eventhough they are older I still have those days, but the sleeping is easier. Well for them, I stay up too late for me time.
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Now if you said motherhood was a piece of cake, then I would worry. I haven’t done exactly as you have or had those same exact thoughts, but I have my versions or crying not with Abigail, but against her. I’ve said in stern tones to her in the middle of the night, “Why won’t you go to sleep?” And then all this effing guilt that goes along with all these feelings…it’s enough to make you mad! That’s the biggest hurdle…getting over the guilt. Once I think I’ve gotten over it, something else happens and the waves of guilt come crashing down. And you know what, I so appreciate your honesty and courage for writing this. Maybe more women will speak up and know it’s ok to feel this way.
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I could have written your list. Hell, sometimes I still really, really want those childfree days to lay on the couch & be lazy, to not have to entertain or chase an active baby, etc. It’s all totally normal. And when push comes to shove, I wouldn’t change it for the world and neither would you. And that’s what makes us good parents. Maybe we’re not winning any awards, maybe it’s the wine that gets us through, but we’re doing the best we can & that’s the best for your girl.
Krista @ Not Mommy of the Year´s last [type] ..Her favorite place to play…
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Today I wrote about being a bad mommy…I know it isn’t the same as what you wrote about, but I want you to know that I get it. I have been reading a book that I think you could really use. It is called, “What Mothers Do, Especially When It Looks Like Nothing”. It has made me realize that all the thoughts I have that seem irrational…are actually quite normal. Here is the link on amazon. http://www.amazon.com/What-Mothers-Especially-Looks-Nothing/dp/1585425915
Mommy C´s last [type] ..Bad Mommy!
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this is all completely normal! i went through it for about 4 or 5 months with my first daughter and thought “how could i ever possibly do this again?” i just couldn’t stop crying- every day for 5 months. it’s a combination of not knowing what the hell to do with a new baby and raging hormones. i felt like i was living in some bizarre universe- like i was outside of myself watching this crazy life.
it seems like you’re never gonna feel any other way. i know. but you do. TRUST ME. it goes away. it gets a MILLION times better. and then when you swore you’d never have another, you’re on baby #3, like we are. and i can truly say that baby #2 as an infant was SO much mentally easier. yes, still have those days where i need to walk away and take a deep breath or else i’ll lose it, and of course i’d love to be able to get away by myself at any chance, but the shock and adjustment of a new life are already there and you find yourself saying, “why did i think this was so awful and hard?” but don’t doubt that it isn’t hard for one second. because it really really is- especially the first time around.
not being able to sleep is the catalyst of miserableness too. i think that’s possibly the worst part about babyhood. but even though it seems like it’s taking forever, it will someday pass and then you will someday look back and honestly forget. i don’t even remember those nights with my daughters anymore. i mean, i remember them, but don’t FEEL them anymore.
hang in there. you’re doing a great job and we all do the best we can! it’s better to be honest with your feelings and put them out there to get support, so you’re doing the right thing!
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So I went through your bullets going yep, yep, yep…so nope, I’m not a good mom either. But it will get easier (and then harder and then easier and then harder). Hang in there, scream when you have to and know she’ll still love you, no matter what.
amber´s last [type] ..Take A Deep Breath
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I suck too. I never figured out how to stop the crying (unless she was hungry – then it was easy). And I still haven’t and now they are 3 and 5. If anyone has some tips I’m all ears. Gagging them is something I won’t do though. Just so you know.
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If this stuff made us not good mothers than none of us would be good moms. i can;t tell you how many times i’ve asked jenna or anyone or myself “what the fuck can ido for you?” i’m finally beginning to forgive myself for getting frustrated or angry or having bad thoughts. parenthood is f**ing hard. they don’t tell you that in all the damn baby books!
Melissa´s last [type] ..A Big Thank You!
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oh brandee…your life sounds like hell right now. that was our first baby exactly in the early days. it did get better (it must have cuz we had another one)…eventually but it seemed like forever when you’re not sleeping. you’re doing great so far…
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Babe_Chilla Reply:
August 24th, 2010 at 9:42 pm
You know, I am FINE in the afternoon and evening, she’s a good baby. I love her. But in the middle of the night and the wee hours of the morning I really do feel like I might lose it. Sleep deprivation is a special kind of torture. Sigh.
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