Month 16November 4th, 2013
There is a numbness that comes from 16 months into this journey; at least for me. For someone else that numbness may start earlier, or it may never happen at all.
The last 2 weeks, I’ve been contemplating a post about this feeling of calm I’ve arrived to. I thought I was getting a handle on my emotions. Starting to accept reality and come to terms with fate. I thought I had finally reached a point in which I was content enough with what I had, to accept that I may never get more. I thought that this was the point at which it all changed; where I spent more time feeling grounded and less time feeling out of control.
Only, I think my brain is just getting a bit better at lying to itself.
It could be that we moved in the midst of what would be “go” week, and then 4 days after we moved, I immediately left on a week long business trip, only to arrive home to all the things that come with just having moved. I guess you could say I was properly distracted, only I took that moment of respite from my brain and I ran with it. Sometimes, you just need a break, even if it’s from yourself.
However, I realize now that this calm that I thought I was feeling is in fact, more a numb.
It’s a numb because to me, calm is positive and numb is just, numb. It’s not really negative, it’s just, neutral with a chance of negativity.
So now, I don’t know what I’m feeling. I thought I’d reached a point of acceptance where things would be clearer and easier. I actually for a while there, thought that “destiny” had intervened and despite causing pain, had shown me what I actually wanted. I thought maybe, just maybe, this was all the universes elaborate way to make me feel confident that we’re a 1 child family. I wasn’t happy about the process, but I was starting to accept the reality.
Only, that wasn’t the case at all.
Maybe it’s because I want so bad to stop feeling the ways that I do. Maybe it’s because my brain is desperately trying to build a wall around my heart so it doesn’t have to keep taking a beating. Or maybe it’s just that 16 months is a long time to watch the world go by, to feel the sting of everyone else’s success, to wait and wonder.
I’ve watched people decide to grow their families, get pregnant then have a whole human being who is now rolling over since we started. I have watched a friend who struggled along with me finally make it, and we’re waiting on her bundle to join the world any time now. I’ve watched people have a baby, birth it, and be pregnant with another in this time. I’ve watched a lot of life be created these last 16 months and to be honest, I’m tired of watching without participating. I’d like to get off the bench now, and if I’m not going to play, I’d like to sort out how I can just go home and avoid watching the game.
Numbness isn’t the same as calm, because it allows ugliness to creep in.