Month 16

November 4th, 2013

There is a numbness that comes from 16 months into this journey; at least for me. For someone else that numbness may start earlier, or it may never happen at all.

The last 2 weeks, I’ve been contemplating a post about this feeling of calm I’ve arrived to. I thought I was getting a handle on my emotions. Starting to accept reality and come to terms with fate. I thought I had finally reached a point in which I was content enough with what I had, to accept that I may never get more. I thought that this was the point at which it all changed; where I spent more time feeling grounded and less time feeling out of control.

Only, I think my brain is just getting a bit better at lying to itself.

It could be that we moved in the midst of what would be “go” week, and then 4 days after we moved, I immediately left on a week long business trip, only to arrive home to all the things that come with just having moved. I guess you could say I was properly distracted, only I took that moment of respite from my brain and I ran with it. Sometimes, you just need a break, even if it’s from yourself.

However, I realize now that this calm that I thought I was feeling is in fact, more a numb.

It’s a numb because to me, calm is positive and numb is just, numb. It’s not really negative, it’s just, neutral with a chance of negativity.

So now, I don’t know what I’m feeling. I thought I’d reached a point of acceptance where things would be clearer and easier. I actually for a while there, thought that “destiny” had intervened and despite causing pain, had shown me what I actually wanted. I thought maybe, just maybe, this was all the universes elaborate way to make me feel confident that we’re a 1 child family. I wasn’t happy about the process, but I was starting to accept the reality.

Only, that wasn’t the case at all.

Maybe it’s because I want so bad to stop feeling the ways that I do. Maybe it’s because my brain is desperately trying to build a wall around my heart so it doesn’t have to keep taking a beating. Or maybe it’s just that 16 months is a long time to watch the world go by, to feel the sting of everyone else’s success, to wait and wonder.

I’ve watched people decide to grow their families, get pregnant then have a whole human being who is now rolling over since we started. I have watched a friend who struggled along with me finally make it, and we’re waiting on her bundle to join the world any time now. I’ve watched people have a baby, birth it, and be pregnant with another in this time. I’ve watched a lot of life be created these last 16 months and to be honest, I’m tired of watching without participating. I’d like to get off the bench now, and if I’m not going to play, I’d like to sort out how I can just go home and avoid watching the game.

Numbness isn’t the same as calm, because it allows ugliness to creep in.

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8 Responses to “Month 16”

  1. Higgy says:

    I love you.
    I love your brave honesty. Which probably doesn’t always look like bravery but trust me it is.

    I wish I could fix this for the three of you.
    Canadian healthcare may be good for alotta things, but we need to work on shipping reproductive systems across the country…

  2. Rebecca says:

    I never know what to say in situations like these. Usually I end up just blubbering around, muttering all those things you’re NOT supposed to say.

    I agree, you ARE brave in your honesty. I can’t help but wish you didn’t have to be, though.
    Rebecca´s last [type] ..Just Keep Swimming

    • Babe_Chilla says:

      The thing is, there ISN’T anything to really say and that’s why it’s hard. On different days at different times I want and need to hear different things. It’s why no one wants to talk about it any more.

      Mostly, I just need to know someone is listening. So thank you :)

  3. Brittany says:

    I’m listening. I’ve been reading your blog for awhile now. Your post on cry it out saved my sanity when I was a new mom dealing with PPD and a very fussy baby. I’m sorry that you are going through this now. hugs.

  4. Naomi says:

    I’m also listening! I’m at around the 18 month mark trying for number 2 (although I’ve also failed two IVFs due to poor response and am approaching age 42, so it’s pretty much the end of the road for me now. Of course, while my brain knows this to be true, I have still far from accepted it. My daughter has only just turned 2, so I am still in shock about how I could have gone from a breast feeding new mum to peri-menopausal woman overnight). Anyway, I know exactly what you mean about wanting to hear different things on different days and even from different people (e.g. your pregnant neighbour versus childless friend). I more or less just speak to my husband about it now, as I have the time to express myself fully (even telling him that yes, I may have wanted to hear ‘that’ yesterday, but not today!) And when he’s not around, I go on forums and blogs where there’s always some helpful comment or at least someone else in your position who understands and makes you feel less lost and disconnected with the world.

  5. I am sorry to hear that. I can deeply relate to this better days will come :)

    http://www.ddnprint.com

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