Nothing Good Ever Came Easy

Could we cut the bullshit for a minute? Or even better, could we cut it for a lifetime? I mean why do we have to keep covering these same topics over and over again when really, there is no right answer?

Face it, motherhood is hard. Scratch that, PARENTHOOD is hard. They’ve even made a whole SHOW about that, and the different dynamics that are present, even within one family. I think it’s time that we all just got down off our soapboxes, threw our reality into the ring and breathed a sigh of relief for finally coming clean about all these things. Some days you’ve got it under control, and other days you don’t. We all deal with it differently, but the bottom line remains the same.

You’re not a bad parent if some days you find yourself overwhelmed, frustrated or wondering why you even had kids in the first place. You’re not a bad parent if you have moments of impatience, or if some days you start the countdown to bedtime before you’ve even liberated your child from their sleeping quarters. And you most certainly are not a bad parent if you need to take time for yourself once in a while so that you don’t up and run away in the night. The only bad parents I know, are the ones who live a double life, pretending it’s all wonderful when sometimes, it just isn’t; those parents are damaging to both their children and their peers  (obviously, there are abusive and neglectful parents out there as well but, I’m not talking about that here).

Unfortunately, the internet age has given birth to a wide range of overly opinionated people with the world at their fingertips. You arm some chick with a computer and a thesaurus and she deems herself a parenting expert; then she spends time attacking other people for not sharing her views, all the while crying about being judged for her choices (because clearly hers are right so, who are you to judge?). Sadly there are a lot of those nutters out there, and they are kind of tainting the rest of us. The whole thing is pretty ridiculous but, to say I’m not a part of it would clearly be hypocritical because obviously, you’re reading this on my mommy blog.

The problem is, we’ve moved away from the quiet support of a few good friends to oversharing across the world. We’ve lost the common courtesy that goes with interacting with people on a personal level. We are caught in this space where we are able talk freely about the choices we make, but now our openness is met with judgment. No matter how small the choice, someone is always there petitioning against it. It’s a stupid waste of time (but maybe a good way to burn a few extra calories?).

In general, for most of us, we put ourselves out there so other people can relate, can offer support, and can give up kudos for being such magical parents. We put ourselves out there because we like to hear ourselves speak, and because let’s face it, we like attention. We put ourselves out there because we like the dialogue that comes with sharing, and most often the interactions we have are positive if not enlightening. Most of the time, you get the positive reinforcement you crave. Other times, you hear opposing perspectives delivered in mature, pragmatic ways that may even cause you to rethink a choice you’ve made. There is constructive feedback and helpful suggestions, and if nothing else, there is the reinforcement that people everywhere do things differently, and that it’s ok.

However, for every 10 good interactions we get, there is that 1 that sends us reeling.

I have these trigger issues myself. Certain types of comments are left on my blog or said about my bloggy friends or written in someone else’s post and I can’t help but get uptight about them. There are many days I sit here biting my tongue or rewriting my snarky comment retaliation into something a little more constructive (and thus better received). There are other days where I just can’t help but call people out for their bullshit, and sometimes I have to abandon a conversation because I realize I’m heading too far down the path of being one of those mean bloggers who no one respects. And that isn’t me. I don’t want to be that way. I have my opinions, and I am not afraid to voice them. I will use harsh language and get to the point, but I try not to get into a pissing match with anyone because, to be honest, I don’t think I’m any better than anyone else.

When it comes to certain things though, I just want to choke some people.

I cannot take these holier than thou mothers who scour the internet for any sign of parental frustration so they can come in and kick a person while they are down. So often I see people telling other people (or telling me) things about how kids are kids and we should love them unconditionally; that feelings of anger or frustration or just plain overwhelmed are wrong. They tell you that if you’re feeling anxious about something you probably need medication, or they ask you completely out of line questions about your choices to have a child, or have additional children, because you clearly cannot handle what comes with parenting.

And then I am infuriated.

Have you MET children? I mean I love my daughter more than anything ever. I can’t even describe how much I love her, but also, she is annoying. Of course I love her unconditionally. Of course I would do absolutely anything to protect her, to make her happy, to keep her safe. Of course overall I think she is a wonderful and amazing human being, and I KNOW how lucky I am to have her. All that stuff aside, she’s an almost 2 year old, highly spirited little person who can make me laugh and simultaneously cry in frustration. She’s a toddler, and toddlerhood is psychological warfare.

Any person that tells you that they haven’t had moments of thinking parenthood is hard is lying. They are either lying or they are not sharing their clearly wonderful drugs with the rest of us. It just isn’t possible for someone to find parenting wonderful and joyous 100% of the time. It just isn’t. It isn’t human nature.

Now, I know there are a lot of women out there who have dedicated their lives to being mothers. A lot of them do love every moment of it, and many times they don’t understand those of us in the other camp, those who are trying to balance motherhood and themselves. And I get it. I WISH I was one of those people who could look at my child throwing herself on the floor of the grocery store because I won’t let her drink bleach and think “oh the poor dear, she is so frustrated that she can’t even control her emotions”. I wish I was more that way, but I’m not. And I think that is ok.

If you’re one of those people, that’s great. The world needs people like you to keep it in check. We need those mothers to give us perspective once in a while. Those of you who can look at your 5 children at the end of 3 weeks of cleaning up vomit while you yourself are vomiting, smile and think “I am so lucky to have such a wonderful family” are special. You might also be crazy but it’s the good kind of crazy so who cares. I know you people are out there. I read your blog posts about how blessed you are, and how even on the hardest days you can’t think of anything better than being a mother. I see you comment to other mothers who are having a rough time to offer an encouraging “motherhood is messy but isn’t it AWESOME?” And sometimes, I can even SEE the sunshine pouring out of your ass.

My point is, there are wonder moms out there. These are the women all us regular mom’s compare ourselves too, and then generally eat a bucket of ice cream and cry about how we pale in comparison. You’re out there, and you’re wonderful, and honestly you may even being doing it right. You’re approach to motherhood is admirable, and I for one could take a lesson or two from it. Maybe you’re just better at dealing with difficulties then I am. Perhaps you are ok with a serious delay in gratification for all your hard work, or you’re able to foresee the rewards enough to not get suffocated by the challenge. Maybe you really are just one of those people who can extract joy from any situation. Whatever it is, keep it up. I can only assume motherhood is a little bit easier without the heavy cloak of guilt and stress I carry around.

Then there are the rest of us. The ones who are frantically looking for the corkscrew at 11 seconds passed the bedtime hours. Those of us who cry in frustration after a day filled with terrible 2 antics that culminate in a war on bath time and a refusal to sleep.  There are those of us who sit and wonder what happened to our lives on occasion, and carefully contemplate the fact that maybe just maybe, motherhood wasn’t meant for us. We make distasteful jokes about abandoning our kids, and run out the door before our husband can even finish saying the sentence “maybe you need some me time”. We are the mothers who sometimes face the hard choices that inevitably result in trying to maintain a sense of self when another person is so heavily relying on us. And I hate to say it but, I think we are the norm.

At the end of the day, no person is right or wrong in their parenting choices, as long as those choices are informed, made with a clear head and intended to improve family life for both parents and children. You might think that using disposable diapers is a completely ridiculous choice, but as long as you know it’s only ridiculous as a choice for you personally, then you’re still right.Parenting is so subjective, and my point is that any choice is the right choice as long as it’s not harming anyone and it’s working for you. So when I see mothers telling other mothers that what they chose was wrong or that they shouldn’t be feeling a certain way, I get 15 kinds of rage.

Do you remember how hard being a new mother is? How guilt ridden and impressionable you are? How you question ever step you take, every thought you have, every plan? I still go through this daily, but I’m both confident enough in my abilities and strong enough in my convictions to know that even if someone disagrees with me, it doesn’t mean they are better (and I welcome disagreement that is constructive, but not that is inflammatory or accusatory in nature). The problem is there are so many other mothers, new mothers, timid mothers, mothers who have suffered a life time of condescension that can’t handle these comments.

These mothers who like to say that parenting isn’t hard, who will tell you that you should have known what you were getting into or that maybe you shouldn’t have more kids are mean. These flippant, ignorant comments they dole out without a second though could have a lifetime of repercussions for someone who is struggling. As mothers, or women in general, we question ourselves regularly, and we don’t need anyone else’s help.

So I beg you internet mean girls hiding in super mom cloaks to shut the fuck up. You’re not a super mom if you’re mean to everyone but your own children. Try for once to support someone who is struggling with their day, to offer something constructive and helpful, or don’t say anything at all. Stop telling me that I should learn to relax or that I’m psychologically damaging my child by not rocking her 2 year old self to sleep every night. Stop pretending to be this awesome person who revels in every challenge of motherhood and never ever feels a moment of tension when your kids are running amok, because you are promoting an untrue vision of motherhood.

Maybe you don’t let it get to you, maybe you know exactly what you’re doing, or maybe your children are just spiritless and don’t challenge you. I don’t know what the reason is, and I don’t care. I applaud your ability to roll with the punches but please don’t crucify me for being unable to enjoy the same. You need to stop telling other people how wonderful you are, and start telling them how wonderful they are, because you are clearly already full of yourself, and the rest of us could use a confidence booster once and awhile.

Most of all please stop lying and telling people that motherhood isn’t hard. It is hard; it has to be because nothing this rewarding and wonderful could possibly be easy.

Tagged as: Advice, Happiness, Mommy Rant