It’s true. I did the unthinkable. I let my child cry it out.
And here is the thing. It was the best thing I’ve ever done for my family. And I’m not even going to pretend it wasn’t.
As you and EVERYONE on Twitter know, Everly’s sleeping was a DISASTER! We were averaging 6 wake ups per night, about 1-1.5 hours between between. We were averaging 2 hours to get her to sleep. We were averaging 3 marital fights per day related to the sleep situation (and deprivation we were both facing). We were averaging 5 mommy meltdowns per week, complete with tears, hysterics and self doubt.
We were on the fast track to a very unhappy family life. The not sleeping was making me do things I never thought I would do. It was making me forget how to function like a normal human being, and it was creating 12 kinds of anxiety in me that I didn’t know existed. I couldn’t listen to reason, I couldn’t accept help, and even when provided the opportunity, I couldn’t sleep. I was sick with anxiety, and caffeine dependence, and with the feeling of failure. Everly looked like an addict, she was not functioning well. My husband started to dread coming home from work. He and I weren’t talking. He’d come home, I’d pass her off, I’d make dinner, we’d eat in silence, trying to entertain her while she cried from exhaustion. Then he’d disappear to put her to bed for 2 hours while I tended to all the house stuff I could not get done any other time. Then, after the 3rd or 4th wake up of the night, he’d go sleep on the couch so he could work the next day, and Everly and I would lie in the bed. What a great way to maintain a marriage already strained by the sheer fact that we produced a human, let alone a not sleeping one.
Beyond the not sleeping at night? Everly was not sleeping during the day. Sure she’d catch a 20 minute snooze while nursing here and there, or pass out in the car on our daily errands. She’d sleep in the stroller for 30 minute increments, after being walked for close to an hour, or pass out on my chest from sheer exhaustion. But napping, that was not happening.
For 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, my husband and I were living and breathing baby sleep. I would sit up at night, while she did sleep and dread going to bed. My heart would race, and I would watch the minutes tick by on the clock. I knew that the moment I got into a deep sleep, Everly would wake up. I dreaded the nights. I dreaded bed time. I just wanted to stay awake all the time because it was better than being woken up. There was no reprieved, there was no break for me, there was nothing but tending to my over tired baby all day long. ALL. THE. TIME. ALWAYS.
I think for awhile there, I was literally crazy. I had no idea sleep deprivation could be like that. I was getting no breaks in the day because I was walking or driving her to sleep, or laying down with a bewb in her mouth so she’d nap. And I was losing my mind. I love that little girl, but I was seriously questioning my ability to continue being her mother. Seriously people, I was crazy. I cried, a lot. Daily is an understatement. I said things I seriously regret, I thought things about myself and my baby that no one should ever have to. And I strongly considered, on many occasions, sneaking out the back door when the hubs came home from work, and never looking back. And I know I’m going to hear a lot about how this is PPD. But it isn’t. It was sleep deprivation.
We knew we had to do something. This was not how it was supposed to be. This was not the way I was meant to live. The isn’t what a family looked like. I could not be this terrible of a mother, could I?
I read 6 books, 57 websites and asked every person I ever saw about their approach to sleep, and I tried to formulate a plan. We tried about 12 different techniques, bought 15 different kinds of ‘sleep aid’, whether it play music or smell like me, I was willing to try it. Nothing was working. People kept telling me that she needed to just cry. I kept telling them she was just a baby, and that that was not fair. I kept telling them I couldn’t do that to my darling. My little darling who was torturing me.
The books weren’t helping. 164 pages about routines, early bedtimes and other bullshit. Mostly they tell you how your kid SHOULD be sleeping, without ever fucking telling you how to get them there in the first place. Hint: If I could get my kid to do those things, I wouldn’t need your piece of shit book! The books tell you they need to learn how to soothe themselves, without crying and without you helping. Those ideas are incongruent. I get that some children can figure this out on their own, they must. And that’s who those books are written for – people who need confirmation that what they are doing is working. However, this was not working for Everly. No matter what we’d try, she wouldn’t go to sleep, or stay asleep.
I bought a book that talked about Sleep Training. Gentle Cry It Out techniques designed predominantly to help lessen your guilt over letting your kid scream in the other room while you sit down to a full bottle glass of Merlot and a pot of macaroni and cheese. And I started to realize I was going to have to just get drastic if I, if WE were going to survive.
And guess what? We did it and it WORKED! We moved her out of our room on a Friday night. We did her bedtime routine, we turned on the newly purchased white noise machine (as an aside, non sleeping babies are fucking EXPENSIVE), and we set ourselves up for a long and torturous night of letting our baby cry herself to near death, passing out only from the exhaustion, and of course the fact she knows we abandoned her. (I’ll get back to this point in a bit here).
Night one, it took her 7 minutes to fall asleep. 7 FUCKING MINUTES of whining and rolling about, until she got on her tummy and promptly passed out. 7 MINUTES people. By my calculations, that is at LEAST 1 hour and 53 minutes less than usual. Shit, I cannot fall asleep in 7 minutes. Throughout the first night, she woke only 2 times. I had told myself I would leave her 10 minutes, and if she didn’t go back to sleep I would go nurse her. The first time? It was 3 minutes and the second? Less than 2.
Angels started to motherfucking sing. Light shone down from above. My husband and I had a bottle of wine, and a CONVERSATION that had nothing to do with sleep. I laid down, alone in my room, and I WENT TO SLEEP.
The second night was by far the worst we’ve had. It took her 20 minutes to get to sleep, and she woke up every hour. My confidence was shaken, and I was IMMEDIATELY back to the anxious pile of disaster I had been. I cried. No, that’s a lie. I didn’t cry, I had a full on meltdown to the point where my husband put me in the shower. What a waste of time.
But we persevered, and on the 3rd night? She went down WITHOUT TEARS AT ALL.
Cue the motherfucking angels.
Since then, we’ve had mostly easy nights, with the odd night where she will cry a few minutes before settling. Often, if there is company over, she’ll protest, but then, what kid doesn’t? I adopted the same strategy for napping, and within 2 days, she was going down for 2 naps a day, over an hour each.
Wait, what? Everly? Sleeping?
Yes, the kid was SLEEPING. I was sleeping. And the hubs was collecting his pile of sobbing wife bits off the floor on a much less frequent basis.
Now? She’s asleep by 8:30pm, up at 8:00am (give or take) and having a nap at 11:00am and 3:00pm. Can you believe it? The naps are still hit or miss sometimes, but they aren’t usually tearful, just, well avoided completely by her. If she isn’t going to go to sleep, she isn’t. I’m not cruel, but I do give her the chance.
So many things have changed since she started to sleep. I can breathe. I can do laundry and clean the kitchen. I can make dinner. I can make baby food. I can have moments to myself. I don’t feel like such a failure at life anymore. I am happier in general. And I am a 500% better mother to my daughter. And she is thriving. Her development has sky rocketed since she started to sleep. She NEEDED to sleep to grow, and she was being stunted by her inability to figure that out.
I could and probably will write another whole post about how things have changed since then, but for now, I want to move on.
So let’s for a minute drop some of the BULLSHIT that goes on about letting your baby cry. Because let me tell you, now that we’ve done it, and now that I can reason again, I have a few not so nice things to say to some people out there.
Do you know what is worse than a baby crying? A baby who has a mother who hates herself because she’s so fucking sleep deprived she can no longer reason. I loathed myself. If I could have left myself in an ally somewhere, I so would have. I was a wreck. I was weeping and crying all day. I looked like shit, I felt fucking worse, and I hated being the person I had become. I was embarrassed. I was withdrawing from the people I know and love, because I did not want them to know how bad I was at being a mother. I was cancelling plans because I was afraid to drive. I wasn’t able to communicate with Everly effectively. I was just going through the motions, counting the moments until my hubs got home, and seriously questioning why I ever thought I was capable of motherhood. And that, that is worse than her crying.
Also, she does not seem to appear to be emotionally scarred by the experience. AT. ALL. Sure, she cries, she sucks her fingers and it breaks my heart EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. But you know what keeps me going? When I go in to get her in the morning, she is wide eyed, bright smiled and happy to see me. And she’s happy ALL DAY long. And she’s learning and developing, because she is sleeping. So am I willing to give up a little bit of her comfort at night, in order to help her excel at life in general. It’s only fair. And I am not cruel and selfish about sleep, it breaks my heart to hear her little cry but, it broke my heart worse to resent her so much.
Not letting her cry it out was selfish on my part. Too many fucking people told me how evil it was. How my child wouldn’t learn to sleep, but would just give up and assume no one loved her. I was told that expecting a baby to sleep was too much, that she was a little person and that I had to just let her figure this out no matter what it took, or how long. But she wasn’t figuring it out. I mean, I guess I was supposed to give her a few years, but I never would have made it that long without a trip to the nut house. People told me that letting her cry was the same as abusing her, and that she would have attachment issues if I didn’t soother her to sleep.
You know what causes attachment issues fuckers? A mother who hates herself, hates her husband and resent her child. Not a child who sheds some tears to learn a new skill.
One thing I will say, is that I had to hit rock bottom before this was a viable option for us. I exercised every last suggestion I got, before I resigned to crying. My inbox, my Twitter feed, my voice mail was full of suggestions, and I gave each and every last one of them a good college try. I continued to deny that crying it out was a possibility for my baby. I refused to let it happen. I would not fail as a mother, I would not let my child cry. I WOULD NOT DO IT.
And then? I got so mad, so resentful, so full of hate and anger at myself and at the world, that I had no choice. It was that anger that helped me through the tears. I listened to her cry, I watched her on the baby monitor to ensure she was not hurt, and I thought to myself “how does it feel to be this overwhelmed baby?”. Because I had lost that much of myself, that I almost didn’t care that she was upset. And that sounds horrible, and I probably shouldn’t admit that, but part of me was so angry and resentful, I didn’t even know if I cared anymore. And guess what? That’s another reason why letting her cry was the best thing I ever could have done. Because only an awful, evil, spit filled horrible person looks at their baby crying, and allows part of herself to think “you deserve it”. And that is by far the lowest I’ve sunk on the mommyhood spectrum.
We tried a lot of things. And Everly was 6 months old before we got to this point. And it had to be done. We started trying to let her cry when we were in the room, but that only upset her more. So we just cold turkey did it, and she jumped right on board.
The bottom line is that she needed help. I’m smart enough to know that not one moment of her sleep issues were caused by her consciously trying to make me insane. No, that was just a byproduct. She just had no idea what she was supposed to do, or how to do it, and as her mother, I needed to teach her.
I suppose I’m going to hear how I should have let her sleep in my bed until she was 7, to avoid letting her cry, or some other crunchy bullshit. And you’re entitled to your opinion. You’re fucking wrong, but you’re entitled to it. At the end of the day, allowing her to cry it out has done nothing negative to her personality or demeanor. It has had an overwhelmingly positive effect on our lives together, and my only regret is that I wish I had let myself believe it might work sooner. And I wish I could let go of the guilt I still hold about it.
So to all you struggling mothers out there, who have been told how cruel cry it out is, and have so much guilt around the idea that you won’t consider it, don’t. It certainly isn’t for everyone, and I am in no way advocating letting your child scream hysterically while she vomits and hyperventilates, just so you can catch some Z’s. What I am saying is that it’s not as bad as you think, and when and if you’re ready to consider it, know that you’re a good parent for helping your child learn to sleep. I didn’t love it, I still don’t like when it takes her a few moments to settle down, but I love that I can see the light and love my child again.
It worked for us. It might not work for you. It might not work for another baby (if we ever have one). But it worked for us now and I honestly believe if we hadn’t done it? I’d be divorced and Everly would be living with my husband. And I would be somewhere, a shell of my former self, living a life of regrets and hate.
So to all you anti-CIO advocates, take that.
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I was the same way as you. I did not want to do it at all. I was going crazy for awhile there.
I broke down and did it too. It’s the best thing ever.
Everly now sleeps way better than B does though. She always wakes up at night and doesn’t put herself back to sleep all the time. Although the other night all of a sudden she turned her Seahorse on and she didn’t cry, so that was a win.
Good for you. And if anyone dares to tell you bad things. Let me know who they are and I’ll cut a bitch.
Eileen @ Bringing Up Bronwyn´s last [type] ..Fun in the sun
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Babe_Chilla Reply:
October 4th, 2010 at 12:30 pm
Awwww B why!?!?! The seahorse is good. I’m about 90% convinced it’s the combo of solids and the white noise machine that really did it, but whatever works, works!
And thanks, I’ll start my bitch cutting list for you
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Eileen @ Bringing Up Bronwyn Reply:
October 4th, 2010 at 12:34 pm
We have a white noise machine, but it’s not loud enough. I keep forgetting to buy the Conair one. That one is LOUD. I think I’ll do that right now
Even when she does sleep through she’s up by 6am. Otherwise she wakes at 4:30 and then again by 6-6:30. That’s my fault for working though, we have to get up at that time during the week.
If only I could teach her to sleep in on the weekends…
Wanna send Everly down to school B?
Eileen @ Bringing Up Bronwyn´s last [type] ..Fun in the sun
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I am pro-CIO. With the exception of the past two evenings, Laura is so good at getting herself to sleep. She might fuss for a minute, but I feel like it’s her way of saying “But MOOOM! I want to watch Mad Men toooo! NO FAIR!” And since she can’t talk, she cries instead.
However, I don’t know WHAT crawled into her diaper the last two nights. I hope it crawls right back out again, because screaming for two hours in the middle of the night – with no warning or anything! – really sucks.
Mrs. MidAtlantic´s last [type] ..I have a cold
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Babe_Chilla Reply:
October 4th, 2010 at 12:31 pm
Hopefully it was a blip. We’ve had a few, and I ALWAYS get afraid it’s going to ruin the progress but, I’m hoping not.
And for SURE she protests when say, grandpa is over lol.
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Niblet mostly slept through from birth but at 6 months she realised we were still up after 7pm and she was missing out, so we did did half-arsed CIO. It was horrible but it worked, I didn’t do the full Gina Ford, but she was left to cry for longer than I was comfortable with (anything over 20 seconds normally!!).
I’m glad it worked out for you and Everly, that’s all that counts, not what other people think.
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Babe_Chilla Reply:
October 4th, 2010 at 4:10 pm
Ya it took me to get to the point of anger before I could leave her. But when she’s up, after 15 seconds of whining, I will do anything to make her smile!
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This… “Angels started to motherfucking sing” is why I love you. And why I shouldn’t read your blog at work – I laugh outloud which calls my dedication to the job into question.
I’m so glad that Everly is sleeping for you. My husband hated the idea of CIO, but I knew that I needed to sleep to be a good mother and wife, otherwise I would have been right there with you in the loony bin. No one LIKES letting their child cry. No one LIKES sitting outside the room in tears because part of them thinks they should make it better. No one LIKES the guilt that comes from your own doubts and all the anti-CIO people. But for us? (For me, actually, I did it when the husband wasn’t home). It worked and my child now sleeps like a champ at naptime and bedtime. And, it’s BLISS.
Krista @ Not Mommy of the Year´s last [type] ..First Birthday Party
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Eileen @ Bringing Up Bronwyn Reply:
October 4th, 2010 at 12:37 pm
I too did the stealthy CIO without the hubs. If she makes one whimper he wants to jump up and get her. Guess who then gets to deal. I’ll give you a hint, not him.
Even now if he’s not around I let her cry a little longer and she goes back down.
Eileen @ Bringing Up Bronwyn´s last [type] ..Fun in the sun
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Babe_Chilla Reply:
October 4th, 2010 at 4:09 pm
That’s when you stifle your laugh with a cough Krista!
I thought I would have to do it solo, but I think my hubs realized he either supported me in fixing this, or he’d be a single dad in no time.
And yes, sleeping? BLISS!
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Although I’m Anti-CIO, I believe in what works for YOU. Whether it be breastfeeding,formula feeding, cloth diapers, CIO, co-sleeping, etc.
I am anti-CIO for the only reason that we just didn’t need to do it. Maybe if H-Man was a MESS when it came to sleeping, I’d think differently. However, he’s a good sleeper, and always has been, so we just never needed it. And that worked for us.
CIO isn’t for everyone, but it worked for you, and that’s awesome.
The Single Mama´s last [type] ..whats in mydvr
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Babe_Chilla Reply:
October 4th, 2010 at 4:07 pm
I was anti-CIO too, until I was insane. I am glad your son was a good sleeper for you. That’s much easier!
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Preach it sista! CIO was a last resort for us, but it worked and saved the family.
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Good for you mama. I’m proud of you. And I’m sure Ev is grateful. It can be amazing when it works!
I’ve learned in the past 17 mnths that sometimes I have to do things I never thought I’d do as a parent to make things work. Also, I learned very early on to not give two shit’s about what other judgements people are putting on my parental decisions. It’s made me a better parent letting go in that way now I focus on what works for us as a family
Xo
Kristi´s last [type] ..Weekend Overview
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Babe_Chilla Reply:
October 4th, 2010 at 4:07 pm
Thanks! And you’re right, i do not know HOW many times I have had to eat my parenting words. Why the heck did I ever make parenting choices and decisions before I was one? How stupid.
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With all due respect, I don’t think what you did was CIO. She fussed for 7 minutes, like you said. She’s 6 months old. I think that the “dangers” lie with 2 day old babies crying for hours and hours and the parents ignoring them.
So glad y’all got everything straightened out!!!! I knew this was really really hard for you. So happy to hear that your nights are so much better now!
And if you feel that what you’re doing is right then that’s what matters. Don’t defend yourself. If it works for your family, then that’s what matters!
Katie´s last [type] ..Protected- Pre-Due Date Inductions- A Judgy Rant
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Babe_Chilla Reply:
October 4th, 2010 at 4:05 pm
Ha ya, we had it easy. I mean there were nights it was longer, but I know what you mean. I just don’t know what other “method” this would be called. She cried herself to sleep so?
In any event YES it FINALLY WORKED! PHEW!
And there is no way I could of done it before she was 6ish months. Someone told me to do it when she was about 3.5, and that would have been cruel I believe.
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I’m so glad it worked for you. And trust me, I myself am anti-CIO, but I got so sleep deprived that I tried it myself. Three hours later I quit. I couldn’t do it. It’s not for everyone. Everly seems to have handled it well. I honestly think my son would have continued crying the entire night. We found other options that worked for us and while he still gets up once a night, it’s not nearly as bad as it used to be.
Nikki´s last [type] ..What I learned at the World Equestrian Games
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Babe_Chilla Reply:
October 4th, 2010 at 4:04 pm
Oh ya, 3 hours? I would have DIED. I mean the LONGEST ever was 25 mins and the last 10 of that was more her talking to herself. Definitely couldn’t of handled 3 hours :S
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I have to say that I laughed at this post. Not at your pre-pain of not sleeping and girl have I been THERE. But the way you described angles and stuff? Hilarious. It was 3 days for us then I heard the angels. Halle fricking luya. So happy it worked for you. Really.
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Babe_Chilla Reply:
October 4th, 2010 at 4:03 pm
Thanks. And I hope you laughed. In the light of the day this is comical.
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Good for you! I was worried about you two not getting sleep. I didn’t even realize you weren’t doing CIO. I’m glad it’s working. And yeah, there will be times it doesn’t, but at least you’ll have had enough rest to cope.
Renee(2old2tap)´s last [type] ..Creature Comfort
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Babe_Chilla Reply:
October 4th, 2010 at 3:59 pm
Thanks. And that’s just it, now when she’s having a rough day or night, I’ve had enough sleep to cope and manage. Before, every whimper had me flying off the edge.
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Brandee, my heart aches at this post so hard. No one, and I mean NO ONE, should ever have to feel like you did nor should anyone ever make you question your decisions as a parent. We question ourselves enough as it is and people should know by now that babies, motherhood, and parenting isn’t a one-size-fits-all kind of deal.
I let my baby cry it out and to the eyes of most everyone I know I was cruel, cold, and heartless. I was the devil incarnate, even. But when I let my baby cry it out, it was only because he KNEW how to manipulate people so he would be held. I never left him alone to cry to the point of hyperventilating, or getting stressed, or turning fucking blue. It always broke my heart to a bajillion pieces even if he was just faking it, but it had to be done. I let him cry it out and HE IS OKAY. A huge fuck you to anyone who would say my son is going to be fucking suicidal someday because Mommy let him cry it out when he was a baby. BABIES CRY. Every fucking one of us CRIES.
I am glad that you are getting some sleep now. I am glad that Everly is getting some sleep now. There will still be days and nights when things will be different, but it doesn’t mean you are a bad mother. I support you. Nuff said.
Love and hugs and more love, mama. Hit me up when someone needs a taco punch. I’m totally behind you.
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Babe_Chilla Reply:
October 4th, 2010 at 3:58 pm
LOL at the taco punch. HA!
I’m pretty sure that CIO has no link to suicidal maniacs. I mean maybe but I doubt it
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AMEN! I waited till Lucy was 11 months to let her cry it out and it was the best decision I could have made for her at the time. She only cried for two nights and after that she would happily go to sleep and wake up happier every day.
Good for you for following your own path and trusting yourself! We all have to learn to trust ourselves more and tell all the judgemental assholes to shove it!
I’m so glad you’re all doing better
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Babe_Chilla Reply:
October 4th, 2010 at 3:57 pm
Thanks
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I myself am against CIO but I never judge someone who uses it in a desperate case like this one. My view is, CIO is bad, but a miserable, sleep-deprived family is worse. You do what you have to.
I can’t stand it when people tell me I should be doing CIO, though, when I’ve got a pretty good sleeper and rarely have a complaint about how he sleeps, because it’s “good for them.” No, I don’t think it’s good for them. But at the same time, I don’t think it’ll kill them either, so if you have to do it, that’s what you do!
You’re not getting any judgment out of me! I’m just glad it worked for you.
Sheila´s last [type] ..Grain-free Update
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Babe_Chilla Reply:
October 4th, 2010 at 3:57 pm
I was fully willing to get up with Everly 1-2 times per night until she was however old, and would naturally not need to anymore. However, 5,6, 8 times, 2 hours to get her to bed, no ability to let her stay with my mom overnight or anything was TOO MUCH! I would never have done it just for the sake of it. nor would I have done it if I wasn’t at my wits end. I think if you can do any other method, and it’s working, then CIO is out of the question.
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I am a firm believer in do whatever works. If someone told me I had to eat only anchovies & prune juice to make Lennox sleep, I would honestly do it. Without thinking twice. I WISH I could say that we had the same CIO results… but bedtime is still inconsistent. The main concepts of CIO are working- L can put herself to sleep. Does she every night? No. Does she for naps? No. But she can & we are slowly making progress. I’ve heard WAY more CIO success stories than failures, so hooray for doing what Everly needed & throwing it in the haters faces
)
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Babe_Chilla Reply:
October 4th, 2010 at 3:51 pm
Well hopefully it will start to work for you soon, because anchovies and prune juice sound pretty disgusting lol.
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I’m anti-CIO but I honestly don’t really consider what you did to be CIO. The idea of CIO in my head is a really young baby shrieking, sobbing, making themselves throw up, for hours on end without so much as a pat on the back or a pacifier-insertion from the parents. Obviously if Everly fell asleep that quickly, she doesn’t feel abandoned or stressed out. Glad you’re feeling better!
Alyssa´s last [type] ..Fall Weekend!
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Babe_Chilla Reply:
October 4th, 2010 at 4:40 pm
It’s true. I don’t know WHAT it’s called that we did but, she learned to sleep by crying so I assumed it was cry it out?
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You should be so proud of yourself for trusting your own instincts and ignoring everyone else’s crap and judgements. I will be honest and admit that mine never had issues with sleep they are absolutely bone idle and would sleep all day if I let them lol, but if they had crying it out would never have worked because my boys are far too stubborn to ever give in. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can have the courage to do whatever they need to do to be a good mum. (((hugs))) I hope she continues to sleep for you. Hugs Crystal xx
Crystal Blake´s last [type] ..Capturing Rainbows
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Babe_Chilla Reply:
October 4th, 2010 at 4:40 pm
Ha, if you had told me about your kids sleeping awesome 3 weeks ago, I would have cyber-slapped you lol
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Crystal (Lukasmummy) Reply:
October 6th, 2010 at 11:06 am
lol everyone says that, I know I am very lucky to have them. I was thinking about you this morning, my youngest is sick at the moment and last night he screamed all night long, add in a sick mummy and a daddy who slept through the whole thing, I truly don’t know how anyone can stay sane with night after night of screaming and no sleep you are a far better woman than I am. Hugs Crystal xx
Crystal (Lukasmummy)´s last [type] ..Capturing Rainbows
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You know I love this. Good work mama.
Emmie Bee´s last [type] ..Toddler Fashion- 9-29 Classic Cool
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Babe_Chilla Reply:
October 4th, 2010 at 4:51 pm
Heeheee thanks!
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I am so glad for you. I could tell you were at that place through your tweets but were struggling with what to do. I was unsure about CIO myself, and there sure are a lot of moms who become zealots about these sorts of issues online, but no one, and I mean NO ONE I talked to in real life was anti-CIO. In fact MOST parents had done it in some form, which made me much more comfortable since I could see their kids were happy, normal, adjusted kids of varying ages (including, finding out my parents did for all 4 of their kids). But they also didn’t leave their babe to cry unconsoled or anything. Anyway, this is a long way of saying I am glad you did finally give it a try and even more glad that it worked for you (as it did for us).
I will add as a post script, when the real teething begins, expect some regressions in both your approach and hers… it’s normal. Teething is a bitch and we just get through it however we can. Once the tooth’s in, we’re back on track.
Good continued luck and SO GLAD YOU’RE SLEEPING!
-T (@tygab)
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Babe_Chilla Reply:
October 4th, 2010 at 5:28 pm
Ha thanks for the teething heads up. I NEED to work on remembering that a few bad nights does not mean she’ll never sleep again. I think I have like, baby sleep PTSD ha.
I too only know people who have kids that are just fine. In fact, ALL the good sleepers I know did some version of CIO. And the rest still get up with their kids all night at the ages of 3+. You’re right, all the real live humans I know have had to do it, my parents included!
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I’m so happy for you Mama, this post has me laughing my ass off!! I too said I’d NEVER let my baby CIO, I read every book, tried everything and nothing worked for my Abby. This post reminds me so much of what I went through with my Abigail now 2.5. I was an absolute wreak from the sleep depravation, breastfeeding, co-sleeping and all that. It’s crazy what a lack of sleep can do to a person. Unfortunately Abigail would cry for MUCH longer than Everly and every time I’d get her sleeping through the night she’d get an ear infection and I couldn’t let her cry. To this day she does not sleep through the night so I’m so glad it worked for you! With Natalie (8months) I knew what had to be done and we do CIO at naps and bedtime and next up nightweaning…..
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Babe_Chilla Reply:
October 5th, 2010 at 11:54 am
Ya I know we were super lucky it worked at all, let alone worked that well. She DID get a cold the first time we were going to try, which set us back about 2 weeks. It’s like she KNEW it was coming. Ha.
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Yea yea yea! I am so happy for you! Laughed through the parks with the motherfucking angels. Too damn funny.
Jessica´s last [type] ..Pssst did you hear
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Babe_Chilla Reply:
October 5th, 2010 at 11:55 am
They were singing. For serious.
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you are so lucky! when i tried cio with liv she screamed for 2 hours. two fucking hours. i would go in ever 5 then 10 then 15 minutes to reassure her and lay her down. two hours. it eventually got better but slowly. and for a very long time she’d cry for at least 30 minutes. i dont consider that a success. at one point she stopped crying. usually would go down without any fuss and if she did cry, it was for 5 minutes or less. then she went and got about 6 teeth at once and everything was fucked. she now refuses to sleep in her crib and were basically back at square one. eff.me.
alissa´s last [type] ..green grass- clear water- & a naked baby
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Babe_Chilla Reply:
October 5th, 2010 at 11:56 am
My dear, I do not know how you do it. I don’t know how you’re sane. I can only assume it’s the fact that you live in Hawaii and it’s hard to be pissed off when you live somewhere so wonderful.
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I am so very very proud of you for solving this thing.
I know you were letting it kill you.
Because you are a good mom, and you always want to do the right thing. And the right thing just doesn’t seem like it could possibly be to let your baby cry it out.
Until?
It so very clearly is the right thing to do.
So very proud of you.
Yay!
Get back to enjoying your life, your marriage, your child.
You did the right thing.
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Babe_Chilla Reply:
October 5th, 2010 at 11:58 am
Hey thanks for coming HA!
Thanks. I did HAVE to get to the bottom of the pile of shit before I could let myself do it. And now I am passed the guilt and onto the enjoyment. It’s a much better place to be.
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*HUGS* You are a good mom! You need to do whatever is best for you and your baby. We did CIO at 9 months and it was the best thing we could have done for our family.
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Babe_Chilla Reply:
October 5th, 2010 at 11:59 am
Seems like such a strange thing hey? Crying is the best thing you did for your family? Why yes, yes IT IS!
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This post made me laugh and tear up. This was EXACTLY me. I cried for no reason, I was a shell of myself, and I started to resent being a mom. I knew it was wrong and went in for therapy and support groups for PPD. I knew I was depressed…just fucking tired.
To note for anyone reading for different takes, we never had a problem with L going to sleep. That was the easy part, he just woke up a lot. I struggled with the “is he hungry?” thing the most. I caved and nursed him to sleep. After one exhausting night maybe around 4 months or so, we were so tired we said we would let him cry when he woke up. He cried for almost 2 hours and I lost it. This was when I went to therapy. I was so sad it didn’t worked and felt so terrible inside. I cried for 2 days straight. We tried CIO again at 8 months when I knew he wasn’t hungry anymore and it worked like a charm…so for us there was a perfect timing for it. He still periodically wakes up in the night and fusses for a minute and goes right back. We all go back to sleep just fine. Teeth, cold, wanna talk to himself, etc. Anything is better than being up for an hour trying to shhhh him back to sleep.
Anyway, long comment but so happy it worked out for you and I am sending this post to the new mom’s in my son’s infant class. They love it!
Brandy´s last [type] ..Work work work
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Babe_Chilla Reply:
October 5th, 2010 at 12:01 pm
I thought FOR SURE I’d be still nursing her 1-2 times per night but I think introducing solids at the same time as moving her to her crib and letting her cry was the trifecta of success for us.
And yes, please share it. I WISH I had found someone to tell me it was ok sooner (I DID have many Twitter ladies tell me that, which SO helped!)
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I actually really needed to read this post right now. I have a 9mo who wakes a ton every night. He is my 3rd child and I will admit that I did the CIO thing with my other two but I am nursing this child and I only nursed those two for a few months each. This time I have him in bed with me and he nurses so many times during the night I have lost count. I know I need to do something about it but I am afraid. It doesn’t help that since he has never slept in his room, only had his diaper changed there, he screames every time we go in. He hates having his diaper changed, and so he associates that room with it. I keep telling myself I need to start sleeping in there with him (on the spare bed) to get him used to the room. But with no child in there it has become a mess of a storage room with clothing everywhere (oh god I am really dumping on you here, my dirty little secrets). We chatted on twitter about Everly’s sleep once. Ididn’t have any good advice, only that it would get better eventually. I totally understand how eventually was just too long away, and I am starting to feel the same way as you did.
Chantal´s last [type] ..Marks made me over
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Chantal Reply:
October 5th, 2010 at 12:42 pm
btw I am @twohandsfull on twitter
Chantal´s last [type] ..Marks made me over
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Babe_Chilla Reply:
October 5th, 2010 at 1:08 pm
Everly hadn’t really slept in her room either before we moved her and did the CIO. What we did to help was to start putting her in her crib in the day, when she was awake and happy. I’d put her in there with a toy, and hang out with her and she’d play a bit. When she started to get fussy or mad or over it, I’d take her out. I did that for about 2 weeks, every day. I mean I have NO idea if that helped, but it at least got her used to the space. If nothing else, it helped me feel confident that her cries were not because of her being scared or unfamiliar with where she was.
At the end of the day, they will learn to sleep where you put them. Or at least, that’s what I think. If it were ME, I’d do what we did and move him to his room the same time you start the CIO. Because if you move to another room, or you move WITH him, and then you try CIO, and then you do another change, I think you’ll have to start all over.
But what the hell do I know really ha.
Good luck. And if you want to know any more details about what we did, you know where to find me
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so happy for you guys! finally, some sleep. well deserved. Everly will be fine.
Grace @ Arms Wide Open´s last [type] ..loss
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Babe_Chilla Reply:
October 5th, 2010 at 1:02 pm
Thanks. We REALLY needed it!
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it’s heartbreaking to read your struggles laid out like this, in plaid black & white print – i’ve been there on twitter watching you go through your sleep struggles with ev. i’ve given snippits of advice & support based on what i know – but honestly i had NO IDEA the sum of you whole experience had gotten so hard on all three of you! i’m so sorry mama! ):
i think it’s 100% obvious YOU MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE for yourself, your wonderful baby, your marriage – everything! no, i never used CIO but holy crap it was CLEARLY the right decision in your case! (and when i say i never did, it does not mean i think people who do are evil, haha!) dude, i’m just so stinking happy for you guys that you were finally able to find a solution to your severe sleep issues. i could seriously write a novel to go along with this post because i SO stand behind absolutely everything you’ve covered here as to why your decision was the right one; suffice to say i’m stoked for you & support you 100,000%!
much love to ye! xoxoxo!
emily bilbrey´s last [type] ..pumpkin-patchin’!
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I am so over modern parenting concepts right now. OVER them.
I am so glad you got this handled! Yay for you! And P.S. being mad at your baby is normal. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture for a reason. If it makes you feel any better there was one night when I really hated my son for about a minute. Then I realised what I was thinking and immediately called for reinforcements- being mad is human, taking it out on someone is the evil part.
Your are a lovely mama, enjoy your hard earned sleep!
Miss Tricky´s last [type] ..Currently accepting donations of Fiesta dinnerware…
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I’m so happy for you!! Yay for sleeping babies!!
also. someone told you that letting her cio was a horrible thing? what the hell? ugh.
k but back to being happy for you!! yay!!!! xo
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Yay!! Fuck the haters!! So, so glad that you were able to figure out what worked to get Everly to sleep and just go with your gut and put the CIO (or whatever) method to work.
If anything, being a mother has taught me that I need to be less judgmental of others — especially other mothers. Most of us want to be the best moms we can be and learn to follow our guts about what’s going to be best for our kids. Not only am I at a point where I’m less judgmental of other mothers, but I also care less what other mothers think of me. You are doing your best to make Everly feel happy and loved. Don’t ever let anyone else’s judgment make you feel bad. I’m so happy you were finally able to solve the sleep dilemma!! Congrats mama!
Jess @ Bringing Up Baby´s last [type] ..Things That Make Me Smile
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Hii- I just discovered your blog and after that post I’ll be coming back!
I got to the point when my son was 6 months old as well to try the CIO. I was against it at first as well- but all it took was 3 nights. The first two nights I had to leave the apartment and go for a walk- I just couldn’t listen to him cry (40 min. 1st night, 15 min. second night) and the third night my fiance called me before I had even gotten to the streets saying “He isn’t crying at All!” And that was it. I never looked back. Now my son is 3 (and two months) and never makes a fuss at bed time OR nap time (he still takes a 2 hr nap every day) which is not something I can say for most of my friends with three year olds.
Darlene
Darlene´s last [type] ..Im ready to share my depressing weekend I talked about
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Well. Done. And that’s all I have to say about that.
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I’m SO glad this worked for you guys! This sounds exactly like what we did with Bubbette and she has been an angel sleeper ever since. While its not the radical CIO that most people think of, it is a version of CIO and it appears to be a lifesaver. I am constantly telling friends that our decision (my decision, hubs called me Foster mom the first night) is the single best decision I have made as a mother and wife in the last year.
I’m so happy for you. SERIOUSLY happy.
Tiffany´s last [type] ..Till Death Do Us Part
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Thanks so much for posting this! The SLEEP thing–it’s so hard and it’s so nice to know your story–which is similar to our own Sleep Saga… No one told me (before having a child) how difficult the SLEEP thing is!!!
Meghan´s last [type] ..Hubby
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Thank you for writing this and for trying it out, I must say I agree 100%, heck more than that with you on this subject. My daughter was the same as yours, almost the same situation. My son was getting to be that way but after a while I noticed that while I was fighting him squirming on me to “cuddle” him to sleep and getting angrier by the second as to why he wouldn’t go to sleep. I put him in his crib to catch a break and he was out cold in seconds! Some nights do take longer than others, but I have set a limit for his CIO situation. unless I know he was completely exhausted and needs those few extra minutes. Your post made me laugh and cry and it’s just incredible, it took me a long time to realize that I had to leave my daughter to cry it out and to be honest now at 5 she falls asleep when it’s bed time and has NEVER fought us on the sleep issue. She still cried up until she was almost 2 some nights but there are no issues from letting her CIO. It’s the best thing ever, my mom did it with me and also had to have a running vacuum in the room. Here’s to not so many more tears (on both your part), and happy mornings! Keep up the good work mama!
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I am so glad you did this, and that it worked for you. I did it with my son when he was 5 months..not because I wanted to, but because I was loosing my mind, it would take me 1-2hrs to get him to sleep, then he’d sleep for 45 minutes, I’d feed him, repeat…all night. Every night. He was napping 20 min at a time during the day and was a miserable, fussy, baby. Sometimes I think people who are so strongly against CIO have maybe not experienced this. They may have a baby who sleeps peacefully in their bed with them and wakes frequently to nurse.. and it is not a situation where everyone is miserable and sleep deprived.
Good for you !!!
Erin´s last [type] ..Halloween on a budget
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Babe_Chilla Reply:
November 1st, 2010 at 7:52 pm
Ya that was exactly us. And I think you’re right, until you are THAT kind of crazy? How can you say “oh CIO is awful”. What’s awful is hating your life because you’re so sleep deprived you cannot rationalize or function.
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I fucking love this post so hard.
Jill @BabyRabies´s last [type] ..Thanksgiving Wrap Up & How To Wrap Up Green Beans in AWESOME
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I think you and the baby have to be ready for CIO. T would cry and cry and cry and not settle. I was a mess freaking about her disturbing everyone else. It has taken till 16 months for her to figure it out and for me to just not give a shit anymore. But I had baggage with this baby:)
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Great post, Great.
Can I just say to those who have suggested in the comments that “that’s not really CIO”…. I so disagree. I strongly believe that some babies (not 3 week old babies, but 4-5month and older babies) need to release tension to fall asleep. And some babies have a preference for being left the heck alone to do so. And for those babies, CIO is the magic ticket. Which is why I totally understand not being a fan of indiscriminate use of CIO particularly with really young infancts, but I don’t agree with being anti-cio full stop. Yeah, CIO isn’t ideal for babies who will scream for hours and hours, seeming to increase tension. But it is fine, even good, for babies who release tension. (By the way, the whole tension increaser, tension releaser concept I totally got from Ask Moxie. Genius.)
This story reminded me of my daughter at 5 months. She would scream and arch her back and generally flip out for hours as I tried to ‘parent her to sleep’. I gave up, did CIO and she feel asleep in no time. What really got me was when I realized she cryed less using CIO then using ‘no-cry’ methods… oh the irony.
Kathleen (amoment2think)´s last [type] ..Free Range versus Highly Engaged Parenthood- The Debate goes on
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Babe_Chilla Reply:
November 29th, 2010 at 6:17 pm
YES EXACTLY!!!!!!!!!! She flops around and cries, and wants to be put down and scratches me. I mean, you’re hugging, cuddling, singing, bouncing and she is TEARING at you!! You put her down? She whines and grunts until she get’s comfortable, and she falls asleep. She WANTS you to go away and let her sleep!
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Your experience is one reason why I do not understand the co-sleeping and attachment parenting. I was a single mom when I had my oldest 11 years ago, and all the people I knew with kids still had them in there beds. I decided to put my daughter in her crib day one, and though I love my daughter I knew I would need my own time. We definately had nights of little sleep, but all in all it was ok. She seemed to understand from a pretty early age what bed time was. I know todays moms would probably look at me harshly, but I am totally ok with how my kids have turned out. I have 3 now. Continued well wishes to you and your journeys with motherhood.
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I have to say I love most of this post! I have been all over the spectrum on my feelings toward “CIO” and gentle sleep techniques. And I could have written most of this except that we waited until after a year to take any measures toward CIO.
We did Ferber, if seemed to work, then he regressed when he was sick and anytime something didn’t go on schedule. Long story short, it didn’t work for us for the long haul. Before Ferber we tried everything under the sun, and after we continued trying other things.
What I decided is that some babies need some form of CIO. And CIO doesn’t mean “lock the baby in their room all night with no monitor and let them scream until they puke” either. My son needed something else, and we figured it out by the time he was 2.
My personal mantra is not to let a baby CIO before 1 year, however, it seems your baby really needed this and so did you. I co-sleep with my new baby and we will see what we need for sleep when he is older.
While I am certainly on the “crunchy” end of the spectrum I am not blind or one-sided. I don’t attack formula moms or crib moms.
But just as you had the right to publish your opinion on your CIO experience, so does the mom who believes it is the worst thing in the world. Calling her wrong is just as wrong. That was my only issue with the post. Maybe she has had the same experience and dealt with it (like I did for over a year, son woke 10 times a night and took 30 mins-1 hour to go back to sleep. I was a zombie) or maybe her baby was a great sleeper so it never came up so she can say no CIO but not know how bad it can be. Either way, she gets to say it.
Kim´s last [type] ..BIG Winners list!
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Babe_Chilla Reply:
November 29th, 2010 at 6:15 pm
You’re right. I was quite angry when I wrote this post, and I probably was too harsh and judgmental of the other side. And TRUST ME, if there was ANY OTHER WAY I tried it, and it was rock rock bottom when we got here. I WISH I could have handled the co-sleeping, or the zombie or the anxiety, but I could not.
And I never said I was right. I’m mostly wrong about everything lol.
Everly regresses every time she get’s sick, a tooth, has a developmental thing. And then we nurse, and sit up, and play in the dark, and co-sleep. The nice thing is, SO FAR, once whatever ail’s her has past, she will go back to her room and sleep
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So glad you found what works for your baby and your family! We have done similar. We let our babies fuss for tops 20 minutes before they fall asleep. And no, they are not permanently damaged goods. Yes, they know we love them!
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Babe_Chilla Reply:
November 29th, 2010 at 6:08 pm
Whatever works to keep everyone happy, sane and thriving!
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Okay, I’ll take a stab at ponying up some of what you charmingly call “crunchy bullshit”. I think CIO is wrong, period. Even with the caveats of doing it with older babies, more “gently”, etc., it’s still wrong–just not quite as cold-bloodedly evil.
You make a straw man of cosleeping by snarkily referring to letting your daughter “sleep in my bed until she was 7″. I have three kids, age ten, seven, and eight months. The two oldest have been in their own beds for years–since about age two. The youngest is still in our bed, but I’m sure she’ll be out long before age 7. I honestly don’t see why parents are so dead set on putting babies in their own separate rooms. There’s plenty of time for that later.
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Babe_Chilla Reply:
November 29th, 2010 at 6:01 pm
That’s fantastic for you. For me, co-sleeping meant me lying awake all night, afraid to crush my daughter (or more likely my husband crushing her). And I know, I had a child so I signed up for never having a moment to myself again, but I am a selfish bitch who needs her own space once and awhile. If that’s in my bedroom, so I can read a book or get some rest, then so be it. She was in our room for 6 months, and I think that is fair, but everyone needs their own space. Parents are dead set on putting babies in their own rooms because that is what works for them, and what they need. Obviously the baby is priority 1, but having children does not require you to eliminate all your needs. For me, a child in my bed for 2 years just will not work. Last time I checked, that wasn’t illegal.
Also, after 2-3 hours of rocking, cuddling, singing and otherwise soothing the baby to sleep, what is a person SUPPOSED to do? The child and the parents literally need sleep – it’s just biology. So if none of those things work, and co-sleeping isn’t working and there is no other way to survive, what do you suggest? I guess you’re not evil, so you will just stay up forever. Kudos to you.
It is not evil. You can think that, that’s your opinion. What’s evil is being so sleep deprived you cannot leave your house or function, and you just sit home and cry and hate your life. That’s evil. Babies cry sometimes, or at least most do. I am very happy that you have 3 children that have never once been upset or cried, and that you’re not evil, but my child? She cries. And 99% of the time I do everything I can to stop her, but SOMETIMES she is crying because she is EXHAUSTED and cannot get to sleep. Let me know what you did to get children who never cry when they are tired, there are many women out there who would like to know.
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I never said I had children who didn’t cry. My older daughter had colic for several months (or at least a couple months, but it sure seemed longer). The baby we have now cries as much as an average baby, I’m sure. But one of us holds her when she cries, that’s all. We don’t necessarily do all kinds of stuff to try to stop her crying (rocking, etc.); if she’s got a clean diaper, is warm enough but not too warm, refuses the breast or an offer of some other kind of food, then we just hold her and let her cry in our arms. I think babies deserve at least that.
No, doing otherwise is not illegal; but personally I’d like to strive for a little more than the parenting version of “barely legal”. Kind of a low bar, isn’t it?
SlackerInc´s last [type] ..Voluntarily watching commercials–say what!
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Babe_Chilla Reply:
November 30th, 2010 at 12:32 pm
Well I’m glad you have the stamina it takes to hold a crying baby all day all night, but I just don’t. At some point, I literally can’t take it. And maybe that means I shouldn’t be a mother in your eyes, but a person can only take so much not sleeping, not eating, being screamed at and punched. She is fed, cuddled, rocked, sung to, and otherwise soothed for an hour + before bed. 90% of the time she just goes to sleep. The other 10%, she cries until she is settled. If I pick her up, she won’t settle. And that is what works.
And honestly, my child is worn, soothed, cared for and otherwise treated like the amazing little bean she is all the time. I would hardly say I’ve set the bar low.
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My god that was an awesome blog post…
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We tried a little CIO on my son a couple of times, just to see if he was one of those babies that just needed to cry a bit to get to sleep. Apparently not – after 5 minutes one day (and 10 minutes another day), he was no closer to sleep than when we started. Not sure what would have happened if we had tried for longer, but since he was a pretty good sleeper most of the time it wasn’t necessary. Since then we’ve found other things to help him get his sleep under control.
But if I had been in your shoes I would have tried CIO – not just for my sake but for my child’s. I think the risk of him being scarred by some crying is way less than the risk of being negatively affected by no sleep.
The one thing I don’t get – if it is truly scarring to let my son cry for 5 min on his own, what about all those other times he cries.Three times I’ve had him erupt while we’re stuck driving in rush hour traffic – obviously I can’t just stop the car to pick him up. Granted I’m in the car with him, so it’s a bit different, but from the sounds of his cries he doesn’t seem to think so. For me that’s been the most heartbreaking – trying to ignore his crying and focus on my driving so I don’t get us killed.
I feel so grateful that I haven’t had to make the choice to CIO, and I have so much respect for mothers and fathers who have to deal with severe sleep problems
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I just found this post, and I have been struggling a lot with this. Our baby is only 2 months old, too young, I think, to let him CIO but we have the same problems with him sleeping. It takes 2 hours sometimes to get him settled down, and while he does end up sleeping a long time, that 2 hours is daunting. Someone recommended CIO and I refused, my hub and I fought about it, I left the room and sat in the living room crying because he was crying. I haven’t done it since. I felt too much guilt. It’s nice hearing a positive story about it because it does feel cruel, but at the same time, isn’t stunting their growth cruel too? I’m with you. Great post.
Amanda´s last [type] ..Lets talk about the good ol days of graduate school
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We also did CIO about a month ago and it was the best thing we have ever done. All of us as a family are much happier now that we are getting some sleep. I am so glad that you found something that worked for you.
Apple´s last [type] ..Last art journal pages
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Hi! I just found your blog from Jennifer at Baby Makin Machine, and I loved your writing so much that I decided to catch up from the beginning! I have two kids (3 years and 9 months) and I did CIO with both. Both of my kids are like Everly in that they just want to be left alone to go to sleep. When my first was 1 month old, he would cry at night, he was inconsolable, and would arch his back while we were holding him. I thought he was in pain and took him to the pediatrician. She told us, to just lie him down and let him cry and see what happens (she bet me $100 that he would be asleep in less than 5 minutes). We did that, and he cried for 2 minutes, while I sat next to his crib and sang to him, and then he fell asleep for 6 hours. By 6 weeks he would squirm around and whine for less than a minute and then sleep for 9 hours. By 10 weeks he was sleeping for 12 hours. My daughter was about the same, except it took her to 14 weeks to sleep through the night. Some babies just need to cry a bit, it is normal. If CIO makes me an evil person, then hell is going to be full of well-rested mothers!
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