Dear Pregnant People, I’m Sorry.
February 21st, 2013I think I owe all you “with child’s” somewhat of an apology. You see, struggling to become one of you has sort of made me hate you. No, not your specific person just, you as a general term used to describe a vast and diverse group of individuals.
First off, I certainly have no right to hate you. I mean, I don’t even know your personal story or what you had to overcome to join the group of happily fetused individuals. Maybe it took you a long time, maybe you weren’t prepared for this yet, maybe it was a birth control failure, or worse, maybe you’ve suffered a loss. Perhaps that baby snug deep within your uterus is the result of more medical technology than an expression of physical love, and maybe just maybe that fetuses college fund was used up in the creation of said person.
The bottom line is, I don’t KNOW how you came to be pregnant, but I DO know that you are in fact with a small human and that in and of itself kind of kicks me in the face.
And, it’s so viciously unfair to you all. There you are, all a glow (or is that just sweat from all the vomming? No matter, you’re still a glow), happily rubbing your belly and squeeing about the possibilities for the nursery. You’re spilling the news in various adorable ways which, you keep stealing from my brain but that’s another issue all together (yes internet I KNOW it’s the internet and no ideas are original, I was joking). And to be honest, I am truly happy for you. I’m not even faking it when I congratulate or squee along with you, it’s not a facade, I’m not actually stabbing my voodoo doll and chanting your name later. It’s really not about that at all.
I’m happy for you because you’ve done the one thing I’ve been trying so desperately to do. I am happy for you because babies are awesome and so is building a family. I’m happy for you because you’re happy and I want my friends to feel all joy and not an ounce of pain ever, not even once. I’m happy for you because I am fundamentally a reasonable person (shut it) and that’s what reasonable people do. You’re awesome, it’s awesome, be awesome.
However, I’d be lying if I didn’t say I was jealous. It’s such a weird form of jealousy too because as I mentioned, I’m thrilled for you. This isn’t one of those things like when I am jealous of those really great boots you found at Target or Nordstrom Rack or on your vacation to Europe because, I can’t exactly go on a hunt to get what you have for myself. No amount of internet searching is going to help me (yes, I’ve tried). I can’t wait until you’re done with said item and try to sweet talk it from you, or even offer to pay you double to have it (I know I know, talk to you at 3am about 2 months after birth, am I right?). This isn’t the fabulous career move you’ve made which I hope to one day emulate so I start to plan my tasks and strive towards my goal. I’m not envious of your vacation or that great new hair cut, it’s not something I can strive for with any guarantee I can achieve it. This isn’t the same kind of tangible jealousy that I’d call childish and pathetic.
Only I would, and I do. I think jealous is a pretty piss poor quality in a person. While I know that most, if not all, of us suffer this in our lives, it’s not a becoming trait. For the most part I don’t operate from a place of envy. I understand people’s lives are what they have made of them and that for the most part, I can strive for the things I want. I believe for the most part, people work to get where they are and the only thing to truly envy is perhaps their perseverance.
However, this circumstance is complicated and all my striving produces nothing. Nothing but a resentful, petty little chip on my shoulder that reads your pregnancy play by play and couples joy for you with pity for myself.
It isn’t fair to any of you. You deserve your happiness just as much as I do. So I’m working on accepting that your success with creating tiny humans is more a sign that things do work out for people, and less about me at all.
It’s about you, and to you I say congratulations!
See, I was even one of you once.
Tags: Baby Fever, Heart Hurts, Mommy Crazy, Secondary Infertility, Why Oh Why
I’m struggling with my own version of this right now. It doesn’t help when LITERALLY half of my friends are up the duff. Lots of hugs, lady.
Jenna´s last [type] ..Currently.
Me too lady, me too. That or they’ve entirely lapped me and are done and done.
Hugs to you as well <3
As I said before, I know exactly where you are coming from. I was going through rounds of IVF treatments as my friends were getting pregnant. It was the hardest time of my life. Then when I decided to adopt. I was buried in paperwork while my friends were seeing their babies sit up and crawl. Now that I have a daughter thru adoption I’m happy as I ever will be. BUT there is a question about having #2. I can never just plan to get pregnant, it’s not in the cards for me. And my body can’t handle Ivf treatments. My last option is adoption and that will cost another 40k. So right now I’m dealing with we might just be a 1 child family. It’s sad and I am trying to not let it bother me. All while everybody is pregnant AGAIN! Hang in there!!! I know how hard it is….
That’s a whole other world of things you’re dealing with
I mean, it’s hard enough knowing your body won’t do what you want it to but then to have to work out if you can afford an adoption, oof. I mean, kids are expensive but usually not creating them. That’s so harsh for you guys, I’m sorry 
Thanks sweetie!! It’s hard no matter what. I just my husband had a differ view right now. He seems to be content with one.
Those damn husbands are always in the way
Definitely no apology needed, lady. Your feelings are yours and there is nothing wrong with feeling them. I know that mixed up jealous/happy for someone feeling. I truly hope you don’t need to feel those feelings for long. I can’t wait to see another mini you.
Abigail´s last [type] ..Maternity Photos (part 1)
Thanks lovely
Been there. A lot.
It’s hard to come to the realization that someone else’s happiness/pregnancy isn’t taking away yours because it feels just like that some days. It was worse the second time because everyone cheerfully looked at us and said, “well at least you’ve got one already,” as if it made it better.
I’ve been through a whole mess of craziness in the journey to have my two.
Michelle´s last [type] ..Moo.
Yup, definitely harder the second time because, as you say, I already have one so WHY would I be stressed about not getting to have #2?
Glad to know that it was messy for you but then you had success twice…I mean, not happy it was difficult just happy to hear of the success
Gives me hope!
no need to apologize. honestly, i think it’s a completely normal feeling. and i think we all have been there (women that is). i know it’s cliche but it will happen…relax and have fun with it.
remember all the new married fun that was had…do that. 
Lol ya, been doing a lot of that, for many months.
Oh my god, get out of my head. SO there with you. That being said, I’ll keep my fingers crossed, you keep your legs uncrossed, and hopefully things will pan out.
LOL. Best plan ever!
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Totally hear you. So hard! Took a year with my 1st, and with my
3rd even longer than that. Hugs!