Dear Pregnant People, I’m Sorry.February 21st, 2013
I think I owe all you “with child’s” somewhat of an apology. You see, struggling to become one of you has sort of made me hate you. No, not your specific person just, you as a general term used to describe a vast and diverse group of individuals.
First off, I certainly have no right to hate you. I mean, I don’t even know your personal story or what you had to overcome to join the group of happily fetused individuals. Maybe it took you a long time, maybe you weren’t prepared for this yet, maybe it was a birth control failure, or worse, maybe you’ve suffered a loss. Perhaps that baby snug deep within your uterus is the result of more medical technology than an expression of physical love, and maybe just maybe that fetuses college fund was used up in the creation of said person.
The bottom line is, I don’t KNOW how you came to be pregnant, but I DO know that you are in fact with a small human and that in and of itself kind of kicks me in the face.
And, it’s so viciously unfair to you all. There you are, all a glow (or is that just sweat from all the vomming? No matter, you’re still a glow), happily rubbing your belly and squeeing about the possibilities for the nursery. You’re spilling the news in various adorable ways which, you keep stealing from my brain but that’s another issue all together (yes internet I KNOW it’s the internet and no ideas are original, I was joking). And to be honest, I am truly happy for you. I’m not even faking it when I congratulate or squee along with you, it’s not a facade, I’m not actually stabbing my voodoo doll and chanting your name later. It’s really not about that at all.
I’m happy for you because you’ve done the one thing I’ve been trying so desperately to do. I am happy for you because babies are awesome and so is building a family. I’m happy for you because you’re happy and I want my friends to feel all joy and not an ounce of pain ever, not even once. I’m happy for you because I am fundamentally a reasonable person (shut it) and that’s what reasonable people do. You’re awesome, it’s awesome, be awesome.
However, I’d be lying if I didn’t say I was jealous. It’s such a weird form of jealousy too because as I mentioned, I’m thrilled for you. This isn’t one of those things like when I am jealous of those really great boots you found at Target or Nordstrom Rack or on your vacation to Europe because, I can’t exactly go on a hunt to get what you have for myself. No amount of internet searching is going to help me (yes, I’ve tried). I can’t wait until you’re done with said item and try to sweet talk it from you, or even offer to pay you double to have it (I know I know, talk to you at 3am about 2 months after birth, am I right?). This isn’t the fabulous career move you’ve made which I hope to one day emulate so I start to plan my tasks and strive towards my goal. I’m not envious of your vacation or that great new hair cut, it’s not something I can strive for with any guarantee I can achieve it. This isn’t the same kind of tangible jealousy that I’d call childish and pathetic.
Only I would, and I do. I think jealous is a pretty piss poor quality in a person. While I know that most, if not all, of us suffer this in our lives, it’s not a becoming trait. For the most part I don’t operate from a place of envy. I understand people’s lives are what they have made of them and that for the most part, I can strive for the things I want. I believe for the most part, people work to get where they are and the only thing to truly envy is perhaps their perseverance.
However, this circumstance is complicated and all my striving produces nothing. Nothing but a resentful, petty little chip on my shoulder that reads your pregnancy play by play and couples joy for you with pity for myself.
It isn’t fair to any of you. You deserve your happiness just as much as I do. So I’m working on accepting that your success with creating tiny humans is more a sign that things do work out for people, and less about me at all.
It’s about you, and to you I say congratulations!