The Great Sham: Parenthood

From Gregg and Megan to you – my first guest blogger set in my Chill Out Week!! 2 of my favourite parents, and definitely a favourite company (uh Modern Bird if you haven’t been there, go…but not until after you’ve read my post), I’m very excited to have them kick off this series!!

The Great Sham – Parenthood

Parenthood. It’s a word synonymous with pride, pleasure, excitement, annoyance and pure unadulterated horror. Everything they tell you about rearing children is true, and a straight up lie. The lie is sometimes blatant, and sometimes by omission. In my book, a lie is a lie. Megan and I talked about it and while we can’t imagine a life without our children, nor would we want too, we have to admit that parenthood is sometimes hell on earth. It is with this that Megan and I would like to list a number of lies and omissions associated with parenthood.

Breastfeeding: Baby latches on, baby feeds on mom’s milk, baby grows and get’s strong. Simple, right? No. Not at all. In fact, it’s more or less the opposite. As the husband, you’re basically just sitting around helpless as the infant my wife is holding and trying to get to latch on, and as a wife, you’re near tears with the thought of failure and frustration coming through like a freight train. And the pain. HOLY HELL does it hurt!

Formula: Formula helps with the afore mentioned issues of breastfeeding. No one, and I do mean no one, tells you 1) how much this ish stinks, 2) how much it makes your baby stink and 3) how nasty this stuff is. Of course if you start using formula, all sorts of people will be sure to let you know how much better breastfeeding is for your baby. Thanks for that, champ.

Diaper Changing: There is little else that brings about a smell that could only exists and originate from the deepest darkest depths of hell.

Diaper Genie: If the smell of diapers comes from the deepest darkest depths of hell, the Diaper Genie takes it a few steps lower. It is the unsung enemy of my home.

Babies Cry: This is the understatement of the decade. While your child is beautiful, perfect and so fragile and helpless, it can create a sound that will send chills through even the strongest man…or woman. This too is one of those things where you have to consider whether or not your child is possessed. Probably.

Stroller Rides: You spend all this time researching the best baby gear on the market. The stroller is your baby’s first set of wheels, and you want to make sure it is functional, sturdy, easy to maneuver, and most of all uber cute and trendy. No one tells you that sometimes, just sometimes, you’ll be blessed with that baby that screams her ever living head off when strapped into the damn thing. There goes those tender walks around the neighborhood. The sweet cooing sounds you imagined are replaced by what sounds like the wailing of a child being mauled by a grizzly bear.

Car Seats: See above.

My Daughter is 4 and I still Wipe Her Butt: Ok, we all know we have to change a baby’s diaper, but lets be honest here, we didn’t see that one coming. Thanks for the heads up.

Dad, I Have a Question Or Two…Or 30: Kids talk. How cute. They ask questions, and it’s fantastic to see them take it all in and learn stuff. Sometimes they repeat their questions to really get it down. Sometimes they ask again. And again. And again. And again.

Family Vacations: The best part of envisioning life with children before they actually arrive are family vacations. Relaxing moments of sand castle building coupled with running from the waves as they roll up on shore. Nope. The truth is vacationing with young children is the furthest thing from relaxation you will ever encounter. Melt downs on the hour every hour. Everyone is miserable. You debate whether to just go back home and forget the whole thing. Oh, and don’t forget the hours of traveling in the car to get there. See ‘Car Seats’.

Sleeping In: What is that?

Meals: When the kids get older (and not much older, mind you) and you’re preparing a meal, you will literally be making 3 or 4 different meals.

The First 3 Months: At a minimum, the first 3 months are hell. You become a recluse bound to you home running on minimum sleep generally received in 1 to 2 hour increments. No one tells you that you will reach a point where you will be jumping for joy when you get 3 solid hours of sleep.

The Checkout Line: There is a reason your mom would get irritated when you want one of those worthless trinkets as a kid hanging near the checkout line. Mom always got irritated about those things, but never told you why. You’ll soon find out.

I Have No Friends: There is a short, albeit significant time, in which you will be a hermit. Everyone is pretty stoked about your new addition at first, then will avoid you like you have AIDS. There are always exceptions to this rule, but none have been seen.

Of course, these are just a few. We’d go so far as to say that they’re common even, but they’re all things you don’t consider when you start. We love our kids so so much and would do anything for them, but still maintain that parenthood is one big blindside. There isn’t much you can do than simply gird up and get through it while doing your very best to appreciate all the milestones associated with parenthood. Trust me, you will be overwhelmed and willing to forget the hard issues that first time your little one lets out a little fart, and then smiles.