My darling daughter has always been advanced in all things, including her asshattery. She started the behaviours of a 2 year old long before she was 2. And it didn’t surprise me when I realized she’s been fully entrenched in her 3′s for a few months now, despite not turning 3 until the end of March. The 2′s themselves were relatively easy. She’s always been extremely articulate which helps us manage her frustrations and communicate with her. I wouldn’t say I scoffed at the 2′s, but I certainly didn’t see the problem with them to the extent everyone was warning me. “Terrible 2′s” they were not, more like “sometimes a bit of a challenge 2′s”.

So now, I’m in for it.

Why doesn’t anyone tell you the honest truth? That 2′s are like a long walk through a bright meadow that has the potential for landing a little dog poop on your shoe, but that 3′s are like, the equivalent of walking on shards of glass? It’s like some sort of conspiracy. My almost 3 year old seems to have developed all the angsty, hormonally charged, mood swinging goodness of a teenager, all crammed into the body and mind of a 3 year old. It’s, something.

Here are some of the signs that tell me I have a threenager on my hands; watch for them in your own bundles of joy:

• Going to bed: much like MY teenage self, the whole concept of getting a restful sleep is lost on her. Her stall tactics continue to shock and impress her father and I, and more times than not the night ends with some screaming and wall kicking (mostly by her ehm) and a firm and not-so-gentle reminder that it is TIME FOR HER TO GO TO SLEEP.
• Waking Up: The only other people I’ve seen  have THIS much trouble getting up in the morning are my husband, and frat boys. She rolls over, kicks her legs, pulls the blankets over her head and otherwise complains. She says things like “I’m not ready!” and “I want to stay cozy” and “Go away I’M SLEEPING!”. She wakes up slowly and with much anger.
• Getting Dressed: I don’t care if it’s pajamas, clothes to roll around in the mud with or something to wear to school, the girl’s got demands! It has to be a skirt, it has to have purple and pink and it HAS to be chosen by her, right down to the socks and undies. We’ve had to start picking our clothes out the night before because otherwise, there is simply no getting out of the house in the morning. Not to mention having to let her dress herself….
• Attitude: I’m in for it here because if you haven’t noticed, I’m kind of a bitch. My daughter? Well I wouldn’t call her that but oh man she can give you an icy cold look that could frost over Satan himself. Her ability to do it behind your back or time it perfectly are skills even I haven’t mastered.
• Demands: Reasonable or not, if she wants it, she wants it and she wants it NOW. Whether it’s her favourite show, the pink cup or the ORANGE princess gummy vitamin, it’s gotta happen. And in those rare circumstances where say, the demand for chocolate cookies for breakfast ISN’T met with a yes, well you better believe things will be stomped on and slammed. 3 going on 13 from what I can tell.
• Patience: We are working on this to no avail. She has no time to wait for you to do what she’s asked, and watch out if you happen to be otherwise occupied when she needs you. I don’t even want to get into what happens if you can’t deliver what she’s after promptly and correctly. Let’s just say there tends to be tears and loud words.
• Volume: While we are on the topic of loud words WHY ARE THEY SO LOUD? She absolutely must YELL everything, unless she’s whispering which, from what I can tell is just an elaborate plan to ensure you have to keep saying “pardon” so she can flip out that you just don’t understand her AT ALL.
• Eating: She  never stops, unless of course I want her to eat in which case she hates everything.
• Drama: This might be more a pre-teen thing but I distinctly remember my little sister going through the stage of singing everything and behaving as thought she was in an all life acting class. My kid does the same thing.
• Cleanliness: I’m not sure WHY teenagers hate to be clean, but threenagers are no different. This one hates to have her hair washed, and will develop elaborate stories to get out of it. They range from telling us we washed it yesterday so we don’t need to today… which she will say for as many days as you allow her, to telling us they ‘had hair washing day at school”. Nice try kid I WISH.
• Being Sneaky: I had no idea that at the tender age of almost 3, my child would have developed such a distinct ability to be sneaky, but here we are. Her manipulation skills are sky high, and she is already trying to play mommy against daddy. I don’t want to call her a liar so I’ll just say she’s adept at the fine art of fibbing.
• General Disdain for Life: While in general she’s a happy go lucky, roll with the punches type of girl, there are things that set her off like a Mento in a coke bottle. What those things are or when they are going to set her off is a mystery to everyone. We learn as we go, it’s always changing, I suggest an umbrella or maybe some sort of suit of armor.

I could probably do this for days. I love her, she’s hilarious. She tells jokes and laughs maniacally. She’s an amazing side-kick and I absolutely adore taking her with me everywhere because every moment is an adventure. She saves her general threenagerisms for the privacy of our own home or the car for the most part, and while all of that can make a mama crazy, by the end of the day I just have to laugh, because she’s awesome…and also crazy <3

Yes, this is what I’m wearing!

Like this? Check Out These!

• An Ugly Mind
• Tough Love Tough
• This is MADNESS!
• Confessions of an Unintentional Helicopter Parent
• I Do Not Own My Child

Tags: Changes, Mommy Crazy, New Chapters, Threenager, Toddlerisms, Transitions, Why Oh Why